Posted by: Thandiwe | 2009/06/15

Afraid of stepdaughter

Its going to be the 7th month since we are together including the stepdaughter. The daughter is 13years old but mindyou she acts as if she is 21 years old. She hardly listens to me but when the father is there she does everything as if i am telling lies when I report to the dad. Last time I reported and the father said " unochuku"  meaning I am anoying his daughter. I have a 9months old baby to take care of, to clean the house and cook, she does not do anything. Yesterday she cleaned the sitting room and because she is not used to she did not dust the wall unit and the father tried to dust it and I said thank you for that he said he is doing it because I have paid money for lobola. I told him that no ways its because he does not teach his daughter and we fought a lot last night and the other thing that I notice is that maybe the daughter is seeing her mother she is the one who tells her all this what to do and what not to do, but we are living in the same roof she has to obey and take to consideration that her dad is now a married man. The other thing is nowadays she likes to be in our bedroom a lot as if she is playing with my son. Please advice what do I do I have spoken to my husband a lot about her daughter he said I have issues against his daughter, what do I do. Do I continue with the relationship or not, I have told him that I will never ever ask anything from the daughter that needs assistance in the house and she must also not ask in return and he was very angry saying I am very much unfair.

I am afraid the daughter can kill us if ever what I am thinking is right that she is seeing her mother.

Please assist

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Our expert says:
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lets se what other readers can suggest here. Sounds like he is bringing his daughter up to be a selfish child and one unable to care for herself or a house. When the daughter stays with her biological mother, she can keep to the rules of that house, but when she lives with you she should respect you and the way you run your house, and your husband ought to support you in that.
Sometimes a guy who has been divorced feels guilty tow3ards the child, and reluctant to discipline her, without realizing that discipline and good manners is something she needs as much as food and shelter. And if a malicious Ex-wife is priming her to cause troubles, he should recognize that and act against it. I doubt that the child would kill you, surely ? she may find some nasty satisfaction in creating fights and arguments,, but that is unpleasant rather than dangerous.
Is marriage or family counselling an option ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Eolathin | 2009/06/15

You need to take charge of the discipline! Tell your husband that you are going to help him raise a daughter worthy of a very high lobola, but you can only do this if he stands with you.

Make rules and punishments and put it in the kitchen, so that she knows that if she doesn' t do A, then B will happen - WITHOUT FAIL. Also try telling her like this: If you don' t help with dinner, then YOU CHOOSE not to go out on Friday. Teach her to do her chores by doing them with her once, then the 2nd time, watching as she does them and advising. Remember, she is still a child at 13 and children need to know that there are rules and consequences. They do well when they know they live in a stable home where MOM and DAD are in charge of all the problems and can sort them out. Think like this: You are her 2nd mother and not the " bad"  step mother.

Put a pot on the kitchen and then, if she does something well, put a stone in the pot, if she has 10 stones, she can get a reward. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

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