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Question
Posted by: Hurt | 2005/11/22

Affairs destroy

I wrote to u a couple of months ago re: my affair with a married man. I wrote about how I did not think myself strong enough to leave him and how I believed that one day we'll be together even though he was making all these promises that he has not fulfilled yet. After 5 years of being with him I walked away. It's been a week of no contact. I cant believe I managed to last this long. I am now faced with the fact that maybe he didnt really love me. That all those "cliche's" about married men never leaving their wives, having the best of both worlds are true. I am still in denial though. Does it now mean that he didnt really love me? Yet, he did so much for me. The worst part of it all is forgiving myself for hurting his wife. I am at a point where I am stuck and dont know how to move on. Do I call her and ask for her forgiveness? I've also met someone and he is the most amazing person. He knows what happened and is supportive in terms of how I am feeling now. For the first time I can now walk in public with my boyfriend and he gets along really well with my family and friends. However, I feel so much anger that I seem to be taking out on him. All the while he is so patient with me. I dont want to lose this man and need to find a way to get over my past. Yes,I know what I've done is wrong but does that mean I must feel guilty forever. Do I have a right to deal with things and then move on? What is the best way of dealing with this and ensuring that I move on with my new found life?

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Our expert says:
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Sorry this is so upsetting to you, Hurt, but there's no MAYBE about whether he didn't love you. Just because some saying are cliches doesn't mean they're not mostly true. What he did for you in the past, served his interests, so it was ultimately done for himself.
Its good for your soul that you regret what heppened and feel remorse. Don't just call the wife out of the blue, though --- she may not know of this affair, and your apology might bring her more sorrow. Maybe accept support from this other guy, but don't rush into a fresh relationship on the rebound ; rather wait till you've finished learning from this one. And see a counsellor to deal with all the other emotional baggage

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Brown | 2005/11/22

congrats!! u walk away

stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. anger, guilt and shame won't get u anywhere. deal with ur grief because clearly u still love this man and the best thing to do now is to deal with ur loss. u'll get over it, in no time. u have met someone new, even though i think it was so soon after ur loss concentrate on building ur relationship. calling the other woman will only make things worse,you've already hurt her enough just leave her alone and let her deal with her husband.

Reply to Brown
Posted by: Lee | 2005/11/22

Well done for walking away. !! IT was a step in the right direction. With this step you will get back your self esteem and respect. Remember that you have to respect yourself first before you can ask it of someone else.

I think the most important gift you can give yourself is forgivness. Without it you are going to find it difficult to move on.

Try to curb your toungue when it comes to your new boyfriend. He sounds lovely and supportive. It must be an amazing feeling for you to be able to be with someone without the feeling of shame and guilt that follows you around. Draw your strength from this. I'm sure you have the willpower to stay away from the married man. If you could walk away you can stay away. Trust in yourself and give yourself time.

I think the best thing at this moment in time you can do is stay away from his wife. She is probably very angry and bitter and I doubt whether forgiveness is at the top of her list right now. Let them get on with their lives and try and save what little there is left.

Remember that you also deserve a shot at happiness... don't let anyone tell you any different!

Reply to Lee
Posted by: bb | 2005/11/22

Feel guilty or bad I think you should. You have done a horrendous act – sleeping with somebody else’s husband. I do not condone him. He is equally guilty.


Moving on will take the greatest will power ever, between the two of you. In fact I doubt very much if you really have it – both of you. You did this act for five years, knowing very well how bad it is and what the probable consequences are. And yet you continued to do it. Therefore, your level of will-power is very minimal. Even right now you are not just by yourself. You have no will-power to stand on and by your own. You have quickly jumped for another man.

Let me tell you this. You are not going to last with this new man in your life either. You will have ups and downs and at the end hurt him very much – he means what he means but you are not. You are using this process as a test whether you can stay away from your infidelity and for how long. It has just been a week and I am not convinced yet. If you could find a man in next to no time – I doubt your power to move on.

You need to stand on your own first of all. You need to practice that power to resist your married roll-on. Otherwise you are going to fall back into the same good old hanky panky with a married man. Most probably the same one. You need to proactively seek some professional help. Maybe that would help you examine closely why did each one of you two fall into this infidelity? And accept that push or pull factor and then you can work your way away from that disorder. It will take a very hard work to leave the cheating habit behind for good. Take it form me. Yes you need all the support – from friends, family particularly. Be with yourself for a while. As it is now, you are going to be frustrated a lot and will hurt every man or woman you date.

Reply to bb
Posted by: Lois_Lane | 2005/11/22

My marriage ended a year ago, my husband had an affair for two years. i was friends with the girlfriend, welcomed her into our home and family. How stupid i was. But good for you, although you were the other woman, you were used. It has been a bitter pill for me to swallow and normally i would have condemned you and criticised you, but i have come to realise it takes two. You deserve to be with someone that can fully commit their heart and mind to you. The other woman had already stolen that away from me and I was left in limbo. I am now much happier with someone else. You will be too. Good luck

Reply to Lois_Lane
Posted by: Ice | 2005/11/22

I feel so sorry for you because I know how you feel. I've been in the same boat for years. I was also married and my then lover promised me everything, but never left his wife for me, i've sacrifise my marraige for him and gave him all my love. He makes me believe everything he said and I was under the empression that he is devorcing his wife but in the meantime she was pregnant!!! I found this out when I saw them together. It was such a shock! Even after I discovered the lies he tried to convince me otherwise. This happen 2 years ago. I just broke all communication with him and pick up the peaces of my life. I've seen him about two days ago for the first time and all that is left is the hate I feel for him and the pity for his poor wife and child. He is such an arsehole!!

Maybe you wil feel the same way one day. And yes maybe he was in love with you, but not enough to leave his wife. You just have to get over him and concentrate on your new boyfriend. He is not worth your pain and tears!!!

Reply to Ice

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