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Question
Posted by: KATHY | 2011/01/26

AFFAIR

MY BOYFRIEND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED FRIEND OF OURS &  SHE IS CONSTANTLY AT OUR HOUSE WHEN I AM AT WORK. HER HUSBAND IS NOT SOMEONE YOU WOULD MESS WITH. WE HAVE BEING LIVING TOGETHER FOR 8 YEARS AND NOW HE''S TELLING ME TO LEAVE. THEY DON''T KNOW I KNOW AND HAVE PROOF.

QUESTION: DO I ACT NORMAL UNTIL I AM READY TO LEAVE ON MY TERMS AND WHEN I CAN AFFORD IT

OR DO I CONSTANTLY ARGUE &  FIGHT WITH HIM SO THAT HE COMPLAINS ABOUT ME WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER. HIS COMPLAINING &  BAD MOODS SHOULD EVENTUALY PISS HER OFF HAVING TO LISTEN ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

SHOULD HE TRY &  FORCE ME TO LEAVE BEFORE I AM READY, I WILL TELL HER HUSBAND. I PRETTY SURE ONE OR BOTH OF THEM WILL NOT SURVIVE HIS WRATH UNSCATHED.

THERE IS ALSO THE CHANCE THAT THIS AFFAIR MAY FIZZLE OUT IN MAYBE SIX MONTHS. SHOULD I JUST DRAG OUT LEAVING. SHE WILL NOT LEAVE HE HUSBAND, HE JUST WANTS ME OUT OF THE WAY. WHY SHOULD I LET THEM ENJOY IT?

PLEASE SUGGEST WHICH OPTION WILL PROBABLY WORK BEST TO MY BENEFIT AND PUT AN END THEIR AFFAIR. I WOULD RATHER NOT MOVE, I AM VERY COMFORTABLE THERE.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ouch ! Please don't ever type messages in all CAPITAL LETTERS - that's shouting, and harder to read.
Constantly fighting doesn't benefit you. Work urgently towards being able to move on your own. And telling her husband sounds like a potentially valid response should he try to force you out prematurely. Interesting coments from other readers.

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Our users say:
Posted by: KATHY | 2011/01/27

To Outsider, Your point one is yes to all mentioned, love him, comfort zone, financial &  convient. However I can''t get him to leave it is his house, I have no claim on it at all. No children to worry about. Still no sure if I should tell her husband, warn my bf or tell her to f....off. I''m just playing it by ear at the moment.
Good weightless programme. Can''t stop thinking about it day &  night and I know it will all come to a head &  hope &  pray I do &  say the right thing. Still hoping maybe we canfix things but I would have to resort to blackmail to stop the affair. Not the best way to try &  fix things.

Reply to KATHY
Posted by: Outsider | 2011/01/27

I would partially agree with Nicola. You would still need to ask yourself a few questions - before acting anything out or taking action

Do your homework constructively and look at all the angles of how to approach either him at first or both of them or even all three of them.

1.) Do you love him and do you want to stay in the relationship, or are you just there for convenience and a comfort zone or even for financial reasons.

2.) Is your house in both your names and or do you have children together, who will move out you or him etc. etc.

You should however consider changing your life, if someone who is supposed to " love"  you can do something like this to you he has no respect for you - even if it does end, once a thief always a thief he would most likely still have a roaming eye.

Don''t take his crap - you deserve better!




Reply to Outsider
Posted by: Nicola | 2011/01/27

I assume that you have made the right decision that you don''t want this man any longer and that you will leave him when the time is right and when it suits you. As you said, you are comfortable there and dont want to leave,. I agree - why should you pay the price for their infidelity. That means you have to find a way to make it so uncomfortable and stressful for THEM so that THEY will want to leave.

The best way to do that is to tell your bf and your friend that you know about the affair and that you know that he wants you to leave because of the affair. Then you tell them clearly that you WILL NOT be the one to leave and that HE should leave, or else you will tell her husband.

Trust me, that will make them extremely nervous and worried and it will make their life miserable. Hopefully they will be so scared by your threat that your bf will move out.

Then enjoy the situation you are in, and still tell her husband after he has left. That way you get your revenge, you get to stay where you are and you do the right thing by telling her husband.

However - whatever you do, dont stay in any romantic relationship with your bf for one day longer. He is not worth it and you can find someone better.

Trust me, this will work - I have experienced it.

Reply to Nicola
Posted by: Trace | 2011/01/26

You are looking for validation, He is cheating on you why do you want to protect him or her leave him and move on with your life go... If this if that, if you moan more you are wating precious time and your energy he is not worth it... GET OUT and move on you do not need a man to make you happy.

Reply to Trace
Posted by: Suzi | 2011/01/26

No your consant bitching and moaning will make him more determined to dump you eventually .. it''s not going to drive her away ... how could you possibly want to be with someone who cheats ... leave him ... you should also tell both of them that you know what they are doing ... that you are onto them ..... well if you want to stick around and play 2nd fiddle to another woman that is entirely your choice .... cheating is unacceptable and no woman with a shred of self respect should take cr*p like that ....

Reply to Suzi
Posted by: Hitman | 2011/01/26

I can sort her out for you.

Reply to Hitman
Posted by: Kathy | 2011/01/26

Luckily I have always believed in " just wait, the right time will come."  and everything happens for a reason.

Reply to Kathy
Posted by: Anon | 2011/01/26

The only course of action would be to tell her hubby.......
by him complaining to her about you asking questions will not get rid of their relationship .
Hope you have valid evidence of the 2 culprits .
If he is messing around now , he will do it later as well.
Tell the hubby and let him beat the crap out of em both .
however you need to read the situation and do it , when the time suits you...but don''t leave it for too long

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Kathy | 2011/01/26

Thanx you all seem to agree, " tell her husband"  but no comments on he could shoot one or both of them.

Also no one has commented on " if I constantly make him angy he will bitch &  moan to her"  do you think this will irritate her to have to hear him complaining all the time and spoil some of their time together.

Reply to Kathy
Posted by: Romany | 2011/01/26

Tell her husbank, but be sure you have proof. Even better if you could spill the beans when all 4 of you are together.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Trace | 2011/01/26

What a friend you have, do you know here for long? If you have sound proof that they are having an affair tell her husband, let them feel his wrath why should they go on while you have to suffer. I hope all works out for you and you can move out soon, it cant be easy...

Reply to Trace
Posted by: Caroline | 2011/01/26

Why on earth would you want to stay with a man who is having an affair ..... you are not married to him ... why put up with this nonsense? And yes, maybe you should tell her husband so that he knows too ... what has being comfortable to do with it? He is deceiving you and you are basically accepting his behaviour ... tell him that you are onto them and make plans to leave ... this is such a humiliating experience to have ... don''t stick around, if he does it once the possibility is there that he will do it again with someone else ....good luck, sounds like you need it!

Reply to Caroline
Posted by: XXX | 2011/01/26

You might be comfortable there but he is getting his bread buttered on both sides ! Do you really want a man that is having an affair with another woman !
If you really love him then tell him you know about the affair and see what he does.If he calls the affair off then you might have a chance of working things out,if not,dump him.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Casey | 2011/01/26

Maybe you should play open cards with her husband.

Reply to Casey
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/26

Ouch ! Please don't ever type messages in all CAPITAL LETTERS - that's shouting, and harder to read.
Constantly fighting doesn't benefit you. Work urgently towards being able to move on your own. And telling her husband sounds like a potentially valid response should he try to force you out prematurely. Interesting coments from other readers.

Reply to cybershrink

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