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Question
Posted by: Boo | 2004/09/29

Affair

Hi All

I don't know what to do? I am having an affair with a married man. We both love each other, but deep down I know that he won't leave his wife.

We have tried to end this realtionship but we always seem to come back to each other. We have a connection that I can't explain.

This situation is driving me crazy. I love him but can't be with him and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get over him.

Any Advice??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Boo, such afairs hardly ever work out, and almost always end in grief all round. Whatever sort of connection you feel you two have, you CAN end the relationship, and if you haven't it's because you don't really want to do so.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/09/30

Now I understand why some women have affairs - you have all made you points. To understand why men are doing it go to:
women24.com/women24/life/lovesex and read the article with the heading "Why do men cheat?"

Sad state of affairs (no pun intended) but I really do feel for you girls and I am not being sarcastic or nasty. After reading the article and understanding why affairs happen (from a mans point of view) I cannot help but feel sorry for the mistresses. After all - you only want love, friendship, companionship, a relationship, etc like every other woman (with or without strings attached) but in the end it is the mistress that always ends up with nothing.

So glad I have a husband who I can share life with - makes me appreciate him even more (if that's possible) after reading your postings.

Hope you all find happiness in the end though and I truly mean that.

Reply to Lucia
Posted by: Boo | 2004/09/30

All I can say is "wow" I really seem to have sparked a debate.

Ec: I also work with this man. So you know what it is like. For those of you who say we don't have a connection, we do. When we met we just clicked and were friends before this all started. It isn't about sex as much as it is about companionship. Yes we do have sex on the odd occasion, but we spend most of our time talking.

We are BOTH trying to end this, as neither of us want his wife and child to get hurt. But the going is tough.

Thanks for all the advice, I will keep trying to stay away.

I also believe that was goes around comes around and I have had this done to me, so I know what it feels like.

All I can say is sorry to all the "Non Mistress" people out there. But if his wife gave him the support and caring that he needs at home, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.....

Still ending it though. Thanks Everyone

Reply to Boo
Posted by: JM | 2004/09/30

Sorry for the Afrikaans but thought it is well worth to read

Moenie oordeel nie, sodat oor julle nie geoordeel word nie ..." (1)

Regsklere pas sommige mense baie goed. Hulle eien hulleself die reg toe om links en regs opinies oor ander uit te spreek en om mense voor die voet te veroordeel.

Natuurlik is dit 'n gevaarlike speletjie. Jesus waarsku ons hierteen. Want mense wat hierdie soort spel speel, gaan eendag deur God met presies dieselfde oordeel beoordeel word as dié waarmee hulle ander veroordeel. En God het natuurlik al die feite tot sy beskikking. Daarom gaan hierdie selfaangestelde regters tweede kom as hulle voor Hom staan.

Moenie ander oordeel nie. Nee, gaan stel eers jou oë fyn in by die hemelse Oogdokter. Laat Hy jou leer om reg te kyk, om feite van leuens te onderskei. Laat Hy jou eers bevry van al jou menslike vooroordele. Dan sal jy wel in staat wees om reg te kyk. Dan, en dan alleen, mag jy met ander praat oor hulle foute en tekortkominge. Maar doen dit eers nadat jy voor God gebuig het sodat Hy jou kan help om al die feite uit sy perspektief te beskou.

As jy wel vandag iets oor ander mense in hulle afwesigheid moet sê, maak dan seker dat jou woorde nie met gif of met bitterheid gelaai is nie. Praat opbouend oor ander agter hulle rug. Beskerm mense se eer en integriteit as hulle nie daar is om dit self te doen nie. Laat staan jou regsklere. Jy is nie geroep om vonnisse met jou tong te fel nie. Los dit vir God. Hy het al die feite, jy nie!

Here, leer my om nie te oordeel nie.
Uit: Uit die Beek 2004 - Stephan Joubert

Reply to JM
Posted by: WENA | 2004/09/30

MINE IS NOT USING ME WE EVEN HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Reply to WENA
Posted by: Pam | 2004/09/30

NO! You dont have a connection, you have lust. He is just using you for Sex - that's what all married man do. Wake UP!!

Reply to Pam
Posted by: ec | 2004/09/30

Hey Boo - been there done that! Never cried that many tears in my life! The affair lasted years - we worked together so saw each other all the time, couldn't stay away from each other... Loved him to bits and he loved me(?) (but his wife still fell pregnant and had more kids, soit seems the men 'sleep' wherever they lay their heads down!! I didn't want him to leave his family but I never felt satisfied with MY life and eventually I moved on - no contact and different city- NOT easy and lotsa tears. It's now 10 years later and in retrospect it was the best thing for ME! It drives you crazy, makes you impulsive, sometimes irresponsible etc etc BUT you are the only one that can make the change and you will eventually realise you CAN be without him and life goes on....good luck with whatever you decide! ps : I'm now greatful I wasn't his wife!

Reply to ec
Posted by: Shannon | 2004/09/30

Sheesh - what a load crap! Leave the mistresses to be the people they want to be. You are so judgemental - bitching and crying over someone else's problems. If Lulu and Jana and Boo want to be someone's mistress then let them be. Its their choice - sorry J, you are choosing those long and empty nights - and they will have the benefit and punishment of their chosen lifestyle, however it may pan out. If you disagree with them then at least let them have the right to lead thier own lives. Prostitution may be the oldest profession but being a mistress is a close second. Always has been around and always will be. Society invents the people it needs to keep ticking over. It would be a different story if these women were being forced or being lied to but they have all the facts and they have made their own decisions.

Personally I disagree with them but, heck, its their lives and not mine and who am I to stand in judgement of others?

Reply to Shannon
Posted by: CP MOM | 2004/09/30

I had a 3 and 'n half year affair - also met the guy when he was separated from his wife.... All this time he moved between myself and his wife every 4 months or so. I thought we were soul mates - I thought I was special - I thought if it was not for that b*tch I'd have him.... She then eventually left him and JAY ! I HAD HIM ALL TO MYSELF.... for 6 months till I found out about the indian chick.... yes one a cheater always a cheater.

I use to say the good times were FANTASTIC but boy oh boy the lonely times were so BAD !

I did not listen to others - some1 once said to me when will you open ur eyes... I said when he probably hurts me enough.... these guys play with us, use us and at the end of the day DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS GUY FOR LIFE ? How do you EVER trust him ? He WILL do to you what he's doing to her now.

Get help and move on. The best is to totally break it off. No calls, no sms's no mails etc.

Good luch and I know it's hard it took me 2 years to get over him and sometimes songs etc. still remind me but I'm glad he's no longer my "baby"....

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Jana | 2004/09/30

Ladies, I think it is best if we stop this conversation cause some people are on the wrong track.
I was in a relationship, dumped for a mistress, and now I am the mistress myself. I am playing the no strings attached game and it is working.
I don't care what you think or say. What I do with my life is up to me.

Reply to Jana
Posted by: J | 2004/09/30

my advise to any woman who is considering having an affair would be to run, run as far away from a married man as you possibly can. To have an affair is like being addicted to drugs. You know its wrong, and you feel guilty and you want to get out of it, but somehow you get addicted to being the mistress. I'm having an affair for 4 years, we have known each other for 12 years, i am deeply in love with this man, but i have tried several times to stop it, only for him to convince me not to every time. We also work together. Somehow, being the "other woman" seems to break down your self esteem so much, and it hurts, it hurts so much if that man tells you he is not going to leave his wife. On the other hand if he leaves his wife for you, how long will it take him to discover the next, considering the situation will you ever be able to trust each other?. The saying goes. If a man marries his mistress, she leaves a vacancy. I can kick myself for ever getting involved in something as complicated as this and I will never ever get involved in a affair ever again no matter how tempting it may seem or how lonely i might get, it leaves you without any self confidence and it is a very lonely place to be. All those lonely nights without him, vacation time, birthdays not even to mention christmas time and of course new years eve. You just have to keep on compromising yourself all the time. I have often wondered what the payoff is for me, as this thing is pulling me apart, but for some stupid reason i cannot get myself away from this man. I really do think that after an affair a woman really needs counselling. So please for any woman reading this, that have not yet been involved with a married man, please take my advise and DONT DO IT, you will regret it and get deeply hurt.

Reply to J
Posted by: loo | 2004/09/30

JANA, you are not the sparkle in his life. You are just an easy -|- for him. Get a grip please.

If you're so happy being single, why not find a singleton like yourself???

Sorry about the bad language every one, but Jana needs a lesson in morals!!!!!!

Reply to loo
Posted by: Jana | 2004/09/30

I think you are all under the wrong impression. I don't want the guy to leave his wife. I just want to be the sparkle in his life.
You see a wife is like 2 minute noodles
You have to eat it when there is nothing else.
I don't want to be anyones wife.
I love being single

Reply to Jana
Posted by: loo | 2004/09/30

TO THESE STUPID STUPID LOW LIFE WENCHES WHO ARE PRO-MISTRESS.

ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION:

Why hasn't he left his wife for you? I really think that if a man truely loves you he'll want to be with you.

YOU LADIES ARE VERY NAIVE, AND YOU'RE ONLY HANGING AROUND BECAUSE DEEP INSIDE YOU WANT HIM TO LEAVE HIS WIFE. TOO BAD SO SAD, THAT AINT GONNA HAPPEN BABE, SO GET A LIFE!!!

YOU'RE PATHETIC, AND ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ON THE RECEIVING END. AND YOU'LL BE THE ONE'S POSTING A MESSAGE ASKING WHAT TO DO BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS CHEATING ON ME..... AND HOPEFULLY WE'LL HAVE THE PRIVELAGE OF SAYING ''WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND''

Reply to loo
Posted by: Anon | 2004/09/30

How selfish!! I know how it feels because I was the wife who got dumped for the mistress and hey, do you know what - he realises that he made the BIGGEST mistake of his life, blamed her and actually resented her, and is no longer with her. For me looking back 4 years down the line, it was the best thing that could have happened to me - i was given my "life" back and could not be happier! cant say the same for him or her - shame......

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Sassy | 2004/09/30

Hey Boo,

I know what you're going through I recently found out that the man i've been involved with is married. The signs were there but i could never be sure. About a month ago I couldn't take it anymore and confronted him about it. He confessed. I still love him very much, But i know that he will never leave his wife and kids. I have tried to distance myself from him but he keeps calling me and coming to visit and I resist the temptation of being with him. The worse thing is that he doesn't want to accept that we cannot carry on with the relationship. The fact that he's still keeping secrets tells me that he will never make a life with me and that is something I have to accept. For the first time in my life I felt cheap, used, humiliated and degraded. He had my entire family convinced that we were going to be one big happy family, not knowing that he already had a family. I know it's hard to walk away but you and everyone in this situation deserve better. we deserve men who will love and respect us and most of all be honest with us. Don't be a fool and believe his lies any longer. Move on Darling and if you need to talk we're all here to help because we've been there and we too are feeling the pain and anguish you're going through. We all understand the array of emotions that you have within you. If you need to vent, do it here, not in front of him. That will only give him more power over you. Don't be his victim any longer Sweetie. You are Special and deserve someone whose going to do right by you.

Take Care,

Sassy

Reply to Sassy
Posted by: Jana | 2004/09/30

What is all the fuss about.

I love the guy and that is it. We do all the romantic things that all couples do- even more - so why worry about growing old with someone else.

Love is all that matters
So stop bitching

Reply to Jana
Posted by: LULU | 2004/09/30

TEBOGO IT'S LIKE YOU ARE A BITTER WOMAN, MAYBE YOU'VE FOUND OUT THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS CHEATING ON YOU.
AND IF HE IS, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT CAUSE HONESTLY THERE IS NO BETTER LOVER THAN A MISTRESS.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT AND COLLAPSE ON THAT CHAIR. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO IF TWO PEOPLE LOVE ONE ANOTHER

Reply to LULU
Posted by: Mona | 2004/09/30

Dont you want someone you can grow old with? Someone you can go to bed with, share romantic evenings with, wake up next to them, knowing that their heart body and soul only belongs to you??? Let the man go! Get your own man!

I hope he showers inbetween sleeping with his wife and then with you!!

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Loli | 2004/09/30

You go girl, Tebogo haven't heard from you in a long time, a you well ngwanyana?

As for you Boo take advice from people who know, it’s not worth the hurt and the humiliation you will go through

Reply to Loli
Posted by: tebogo | 2004/09/30

to : lulu and jana

At the end you will realise that you wasted your time and energy being in love with a married man.

Why be a mistress whereas you can go out there and look for your better half. Who am i to judge you when you prefer leftovers all the time. Low self esteem plays a role in this and dont bullshit me about being happy. Happiness doesnt feature when doing an evil deed.

Reply to tebogo
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/09/30

I am shocked at some of these responses, being in an affair never and cannot bode well, you will get hurt in the end, or you will beat yourself up about it, but ultimately the decision is yours.

I was in a relationship with a man who told me he was divorced, I was however the mistress, realised this when my child was 2. His wife was very hurt, his other children were devastated. His one daughter doesn't talk to him and I don't blame her. I wanted to kill him, I felt humiliated and degraded. Who in their right mind wants to be a mistress? Choice however is yours.......

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: LULU | 2004/09/30

I AGREE 101% WITH JANA, I'M ALSO INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN, THIS IS OUR 5TH YEAR AND I ENJOY EVERYBIT OF IT.
BOO YOU KNOW THAT HE WONT LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU, BUT WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE THIS MAN, THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY USE IT CAUSE YOU DONT KNOW, MAYBE AFTER BREAKING THIS RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET A MAN WHO'LL LOVE YOU LIKE THIS ONE. FOLLOW YOUR HEART MY DEAR YOU WONT REGRET AND GOOD LUCK
I DONT SEE ANYTHING WRONG IN BEING A MISTRESS FOR AS LONG AS YOU ENJOY BEING ONE.
GOOL LUCK AGAIN

Reply to LULU
Posted by: R | 2004/09/30

And I thought men were the baddies!!!

Reply to R
Posted by: Rie | 2004/09/30

To Jana and Boo

Remember what goes around comes around at the moment you guys are the younger partners in these affairs, you are going to get older and then you will be on the receiving side of your marriage. How can you have sex with these men and not feel guilty towards their kids.

Reply to Rie
Posted by: Wannahelp | 2004/09/30

Jana, you are sick and so selfish!
I agree with NV. Break it off for good and break all ties. You feel you can't get over him, 'cause you've already crossed the line, but you are emotionally attached now and it will take willpower and time to break. Best wishes.

Reply to Wannahelp
Posted by: Jana | 2004/09/30

Dear Boo

I don't know if the other people will agree but I don't think it is necessary for you to end the relationship.
I have a relationship with a married man. We love each other dearly but we have that understanding that we will never be together.
I am not there to be the other woman in his life, but to give him that something extra which he can't get from his wife.
So, don't feel guilty. Enjoy it. But don't break your heart.


Reply to Jana
Posted by: Art | 2004/09/30

Boo how would you feel if you where his wife? it seems you and he are in for the pleasure, his wife is his security till she finds out and she divorces him and you get sued for breaking up his marriage you become the third party play with fire you will get burnt, end it you are going to cause someone else a lot of pain if he is wanrting a divorce let him proceed and then get together but he belongs to another.

Reply to Art
Posted by: nv | 2004/09/29

Get out now. If the affair has been going on for longer than 6 mnts then end it now. Even if it meens to move to another city.
I had an affair and I know what you meen by u can't stay away from each other. The only thing about me is that I knew that he want's to leave his wife. He made an appointment with his lawyer and after a long fight about the kids he got devorced. and here i am. It's a year for him this sept. and we've been living together for 1 year and 6 mnts. If you know that he won't leave his wife. Get out now, the sooner the better. The longer u take the hader it will be for u the day that it does happen. Talk to him and tell him that is how u feel. And after u made that dissicion, get rid of all memories. and loose his tel nr. If u need help with something. Call a family member of a close friend. Tell u'r friends what u have decided and ask them to be there for u when u need them. Good luck,I know it's going to be difficult for u.

Reply to nv

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