Posted by: CLIVE | 2004/09/21


Some time back I asked advice about a colleague and I who had feelings for each other . We have worked together for 17 years and are both married. Well, the deed was done and its been great. We have agreed that this would be between the two of us and our families would not be affected. What are our chances in your opinion of living a life like this?
Please, no judgemental types here. We know its not the right thing to do, but having said that, it has been done and we are happy. She actually mentioned that her married life has improved!

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Our expert says:
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Clive, I think I can understand the answer you'd want, but I don't feel able to give it to you. Of course you may indeed get away with it, occasionally it happens that way. But there are so many ways in which any affair can be discovered, the odds aren't good. Interesting that she thinks it's improved her relationship with her husband in some way. I wonder how that works. And you don't seem to be talking about a brief afair that is now over, but to "living a life like this".
Chelle asks a very important question which falls into an area that has always interested me, from when I first researched the problem of doctors who lie to patients ( dont tell him he's dying...). One thing that became very clear to be is how hard it is to lie. Not simply the moral and emotional aspect of it, but technically. it's hard enough to remember the actual truth about our lives, let alone to invent convincing lies --- and remember them accurately.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lulu | 2004/09/22

hehe Lulu is altyd normaal. (o; 'n Blerrie b!tch partykeer, maar altyd normaal.

Ek dink ook nie mans is honde nie. It takes two to tango. In hierdie geval verkies ek nie om raad te gee nie, want toestemming of goedkeuring is eintlik wat gevra word.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: J | 2004/09/22

Most people have the excuse for not divorcing because there are children involved, to me is seems as if you are in a lucky postion as far as that hurdle is concern, what's your excuse: You still love your wife? Financial reasons?

Not giving you a hard time, just asking?

Reply to J
Posted by: J | 2004/09/22

(Lulu is vandag steeds normaal) :)

Clive I'm not going to duplicate what has been said above, or debate moral/christian issues.

I'll add one thing: even if you overcome all the hurdles that has been spelt out, big problem and frustration is that sooner or later one or both of you are going to get emotionally so involve that they want more of each other, en dis wanneer die probleme, frustrasies en bakleiery tussen julle twee begin.

Even men (en baie van die dames sal graag wil bevestig dat ons honde is) and I think in your case as well, get involved in this relationship because there were emotional feelings, not just lust. So everything is fine, and even if no one finds out, but you know (hier word mens weer uitgekryt as vulgar ens) "that" attraction is like a calipher,as hy jou eers vasvat, is dit verby met jou!! Enjoy!

Reply to J
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/22

I have something to add - it's not only about you and your wife, and the other married couple. There are friends and family that get drawn into these kinds of things as well. It makes life horrible for everyone. Like you get spotted by a mutual friend of you and your wife. What happens then?

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/22

Thanks for the clarity Clive. Are there no children in both marriages? Even so, children or not - there is a wife and a husband involved who are getting a raw deal. You and this women are just going about doing something of which they have no knowledge. Surely these people have the right to decide whether they want to be in a relationship with someone who wants sex outside the marriage? It's not about the morals of sex outside the marriage that I am talking about here, but rather that people in a relationship should be able to communicate and make informed decisions about their lives. To cheat on your wife, you are taking something away from her. You are forcing her to be in a situation she might not want to be in, and she is so unaware. When she finds out, your deceit will hurt her more than the fact that you had sex with someone else.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/09/22

hi there

all i can say, speaking from experience, is to enjoy the ride while it lasts

the good times are so little compared to the bad times that you will need these good memories to carry you thru the bad times

it will not last long because a lie is like a "lui slang" it slowly wraps it self around you and then even slower starts to squees the live out of you - this could take years all depends how tough and thick skined you are



Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/09/22

Hi Clive

Would it bother you if you wife is doing exactly what you are doing with someone else - just pure sex?

If not, then you have a very strange set of values an moral standards and then maybe you should swing with the other couple - clean fun for all of you? Then you don't have to feel guilty at all - everyone will be happy.

Don't fool yourself - maybe you could remain emotionally unattached during this affair, but surely the other woman will not and would want more of you eventually. The best is to stop this affair while you still can - eventually it will catch up with you and the consequences will ruin your marriage forever.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: CLIVE | 2004/09/22

You are quite right Chelle. I did not say it was over. I said "the deed was done" meaning that we had gone all the way. I am simply asking if there is a possibility that one can live like ths. By the way, people always assume things. There are no children involved on either side here!

Reply to CLIVE
Posted by: Anon | 2004/09/21

Hi Clive
Read posting 11059 Why is everyone cheating

Reply to Anon
Posted by: lulu | 2004/09/21

No, Chelle, that's the way I have it too. This guy wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. Problem is, two other people (and possibly kids too) will find their entire worlds collapsing on them in the future when this affair is discovered....and it WILL be discovered. I feel sorry for the innocents in this, but that's just Judgemental Lulu talking...

Sometimes I don't understand humans...

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/21

Am I confused here? What I thought was that the affair would continue??

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/21

Hi Clive,

You say the deed is done, & you're both happy, & now its over, & you both won't go back there.
I tend to think that you might not be happy about this, & that it's not entirely over for you.
Look, I may be wrong here, otherwise you just wrote this in to brag about what you've done, or you just needed to tell someone... Either way, I think you've still got some issues about the whole thing.
To be holding a torch for 17 years & just forgetting about everything after you've "done the deed" is not an easy thing...

Either way, if you want to talk more about how this is really affecting you, I'm here...


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Koekie | 2004/09/21

julle is albei nou baie gelukkig - wag maar tot die bom bars en julle kinders seerkry en julle partners. wag tot die opwinding van skelm ontmoet verby is - wat tot jull elke dag saam moet lewe en 'normale' dinge doen - ja wag maar

jy kan nie jou geluk op 'n ander se ongeluk bou nie

Reply to Koekie
Posted by: lulu | 2004/09/21

*lulu is a judgemental type today*

I'm sorry, Clive, but I prefer not to give advice on this one. My advice will not be what you're looking for (approval of an extramarital affair).

Good luck!

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/21

Do you know for sure your family will never be drawn into this. No matter how careful you are, the truth always has a way of coming out. Maybe you enjoyed doing the deed but remember that you've lied to your partners about where you were, and in doing so you have already put yourself into a situation where you can be caught. Once you lie, you have to remember the lie and with time you will forget, and somehow you will get caught.
Do what you need to do, but then you better be prepared to accept the responsibility of your actions. In my opinion living a life like that only causes pain to the all parties concerned. And it is naive to think your families will not be affected by it all. They will be and when that happens you will remember this particular posting and wonder why you didn't take it as a warning. It might be fun for awhile but there will be many difficulties to deal with in time to come. It's not all plain sailing and it seldom lasts long.

Reply to Chelle

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