Posted by: Dave | 2009/03/06

Advise please

My wife went in for an operation the other dayso that she cannot have anymore babies. She did this knowing I still wanted the option to still have more children. I feel very hurt and upset, almost to the point that I want to divorce. She feels that she did not do anything wrong and I cannot talk to her about the issue. What do I do?? Do you think this is Ok for a wife to do this without the concent of her husband??

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Our expert says:
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You should take a legal opinion here, but some would consider that the surgeon acted wrongly in performing some sort of sterilization without the knowledge and consent of the husband --- in fact I would so much expect the surgeon to ask to speak with the husband in such a situation, that I wonder whether she very specifically forbade him to do so, and that her actions were very deliberate and planned. It goes beyond the very bad manners which it was. Readers are keen to inist that it's not all about you, but it's not all about her, either. As regards having children or not so, this affects both of you, and is at the heart of a marriage. IF there were overwhelming medical reasons to prevent further pegnancies, to safeguard her life, obvously that should take precedence. If you were both involved in the discussion and decision, and she firmly wanted sterilization and you didn't, then maybe her view would in the end prevail. But to do this secretly, deliberately excluding you from discussion and from the decision, could be seen as acting in bad faith.
YOu don't mention, though, whether this has been discussed and perhaps argued abou between you for some time, and that she then made up her own mind and acted, or whether this was entirtelty secet and sprung on you as a surprize.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sally | 2009/03/08

Dave, do you love your wife? You have 3 children, get on with your marriage and enjoy each other!!!! Life between 2 people are more than children which you do have. Life is too short to struggle with this problem. LOVE YOUR WIFE - this is very necessary for your children - they must know you love your wife! You can' t hop out of marriages when it does not suit you - you promised FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE! This is worse - LOVE YOU WIFE!

Reply to Sally
Posted by: cally | 2009/03/06

It' s a tough thing to advise, it' s her body but she should have at least consulted you. Just remember that you can' t force a woman to have a child, not legally. I know that if I fell pregnant right now, I' d choose to end the pregnancy, but my boyfriend would want me to have the baby... in the end though, its my body and my decision.

Reply to cally
Posted by: Really | 2009/03/06

Hi Dave,

This is really a difficult one! The one thing you need to understand is that once a woman has decided to never have more kids, it is very hard to change her mind. And in most situations, if she was forced to have to carry another baby, maybe she would not have loved that baby, maybe she would have even had a abortion. She would have been depressed and that child would have felt unloved by her.

You are absolutely right in that she should have consulted with you regarding the operation, but I doubt it would have changed her mind.

If having another child is really what you want, there are other options... you can adopt??? Thats if you and your wife agree that raising more kids is really what you want.

You need to seek councilling to deal with this issue and find ways of moving on.

Good Luck

Reply to Really
Posted by: Dave | 2009/03/06

We had talked about it for the last few years, but disagreed on the issue and then she just decided that she is going to have the op knowing my view. I would probably have said to her that she could go ahead in the next year.

Reply to Dave
Posted by: Dave | 2009/03/06

We have both have one child from another marriage and one child together. I understand it is not always about me, but she should have first spoken to me about it and not just told me she is going. I think it is more about the way in which she did it and not so much about whether she should go for the op or not, I had absolute no say in the matter.

Reply to Dave
Posted by: Ok | 2009/03/06

How many children do you have? Remember - it' s not always about you. You both have to agree on whether to have more children or not. You are looking at it emotionally and one sided, just as she was by making that decision to have the op.

Reply to Ok
Posted by: Liza | 2009/03/06

I personally think that she should have consulted you. This is the kind of decision that couples should make together. Please also take into consideration that it is her body and she should definitely have the major say-so with it. What is done, is done. This operation is notoriously hard to undo with something like a 5% success rate in undoing it.

Perhaps some marriage counselling, to overcome what seems to be a communication problem, would be a good idea.

Reply to Liza
Posted by: difficult | 2009/03/06

its her womb, but then its also yours..tough one

Reply to difficult

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