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Posted by: ADN | 2004/10/20

Advise Desperately Needed!!!

Please, I need any/all advice, espeially from women who have been through the experience to give me hints/ideas of how/what I need to do to be there for the love of my life??? Please???
She was raped about a month ago by someone she trusted. It took a lot for her to tell me a little about it yesterday. I am glad she did tell me, but now I really wanna be able to help her, & I get through this. It does not change how I feel about her.
Please don't tell me just be there for her. I need to know how to do this. What to do. I would especially appreciate the replies from those of you that have been through this already. I would desperately like to know what you may have wanted to be done for you that might have made it easier on you, or what support you would have preferred that would have made your trying experience a little easier to deal with, or get over.

Please, I care for this person a whole lot, & I really need/want to be there for her, but in a way that she, & I both overcome this.
I cannot begin to tell you what it's doing to me. All I can say is that I feel like my dreams were stolen, then I hurt like hell, then I really want to cause hurt to someone, then I feel nothing. It is at this moment more important for me to be there for her.

Please, I will appreciate any/all answers. Thank you.

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Our expert says:
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A brilliant reply from Beyond Tired and Thee! Read it carefully.
And the important idea behind advice about "being there" is not to bully the person into responding in some way you expect from her, but trying to understand how she does choose to respond ; not giving her attentions or help she doesn't want or need, but being available to give what she does want and need. You're so right about honouring her need to be in control where she can, after an experience that is significantly about not being allowed to be in control.
And it's absolutely excellent that you will both be attending counselling.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/20

The sense of helplessness you feel is also normal, but just by being her support system you are not completely helpless, remember this, she needs you more than you can ever know.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: ADN | 2004/10/20

I do really appreciate the advice you girls are giving here, & please believe me when I say I do desperately need it. She has been "wronged" & I don't want to worsen it by doing something wrong further. Beyond, I am so sorry you didn't have the support you needed, so I must thank you for being open. Thee, your advice is taken to heed, thank you.

Yes she is closing herself off, & she does blame herself... I guess I feel this way because I am so helpless right now...

Reply to ADN
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/20

ADN,
Do nothing, when the time is right and she feels strong enough to deal with it and maybe wants to take it further just be her support then. I also didn't want to do anything, it is sometimes best, I know the bastard must pay but believe you me, life will turn on him......
You are right that what she wants is most important, do not under any circumstances go against this.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/20

ADN,
Do nothing, when the time is right and she feels strong enough to deal with it and maybe wants to take it further just be her support then. I also didn't want to do anything, it is sometimes best, I know the bastard must pay but believe you me, life will turn on him......
You are right that what she wants is most important, do not under any circumstances go against this.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: ADN | 2004/10/20

Believe you me, I want to do that with a passion. But my Angel's needs mean more to me right now & she wants me to do nothing. I will listen to her because in a way I feel she may have the need to bring back control to her life...

Reply to ADN
Posted by: CJT | 2004/10/20

Just promise me one thing make the culprit pay dearlly.....

Reply to CJT
Posted by: Thee | 2004/10/20

Will talk from experience.

Was raped at gunpoint by someone I truly trusted, and Its the most difficult thing to go through, its a nightmare.

1st thing I wanna tell u that It tooka long ime for me to be on my feet again. Even though my family was there giving me support, but its hard. WHat I found is that at first, I blamed myself a lot for the incident, and I didn't want anybody around me. I lost a lot of friends others think I hurt them by closing myself in but dont have a clue of what I went through.

Listen here, Please give her a lot of time to recover. All u can do is to be a shoulder to lean on. I know u are hurt as well, but try to be strong on her behalf. Take her out, make her feel like she is the most amazing women in the world. That helped me a lot when my fiancee did that. He use to send flowers to me now, and then , take me out, Telling me how beautiful I am etc.

I think that helped me a lot to speed the healing process. U must be consistent in doing this and should be honest.

Gud luck

Reply to Thee
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/20

I am so happy to hear that you are going to the counselling with her, it will be good for both of you and show your commitment to being there to support her. It will not be easy for you to hear what happened and it going to make you angry and wanting to seek revenge, she does too but mustn't act on this, accept the feelings and go with it, just don't do anything, he ain't worth it as he is lower than "sh!t" and you don't need to lower yourself to his level.
I hope you find a positive outcome to this and that the two of you will find true happiness and peace. It is difficult as I was raped but had no support, more than once, so I really want to take my hat off to you for being there with her. My bf at the time turned his back on me and accused me of looking for it. Never ever accuse her as her self worth is tenuous at best.
Good luck and may you be blessed through this time.
Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: ADN | 2004/10/20

Yes what you have said makes a lot of sense, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I do understand that it must have been difficult for you who went through it, but I really want to make it a positive outcome with my Angel.
Yes, we are both attending a counselling session tomorrow. I feel honoured that she has asked me to go with her. I can't explain it, even though I want to kill for what happened to her, I feel honoured that she trusts me enough to tell me about it.

Thank you so much. I'm sure you know, as a male I want to see action, & as this is a very emotional issue I will have to be very delicate. Besides, I have no intention of my Baby feeling that she's going through it all over again...

Reply to ADN
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/20

Hi ADN,
This is going to be a trying time, the fact that she has trusted you enough to tell you means that she wants and needs you to be there for her when she needs a hug, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Don't be afraid to comfort her but when she pushes you away, don't force the matter just tell her you are there and will always be, don't play games (sorry to say this, but sometimes unintentionally in wanting to be there and support her, you close yourself off and end up playing with her emotions). Remember she is hurting at the moment, both emotionally and probably feels very dirty. It is something she cannot wash away and something she cannot change, it has happened, she is blaming herself and feeling absolutely helpless at this point. She feels she should have been able to stop it, but that is not always possible, you need to confirm this with her in the subtle ways of conversation. The hurt and humiliation never goes away, she has to receive councelling and the proper councelling at that, it doesn't help the psychologist goes looking for something that's not there, they need to concentrate on this incident and putting it behind her. She will never forget, you need to know this. She can either want to have sex all the time to confirm that there is nothing wrong with her or she will avoid it like the plague.
I hope what I have said here is of some use to you and that you will find the strength and necessary comfort you need in this time. Be strong and good luck. Don't neglect yourself, work through the emotions and also go to councelling, they will help you to help her and yourself to cope with this incident.
Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired

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