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Question
Posted by: Megan | 2007/12/19

Advise

Im in a relationship with a guy i love very much, his still married though no longer living with his wife, he has filed for divorse,no we dont live together, he lives on his own and i visit on weekends, we together 12 months, he has 4 children with his wife, she has a drinking problem and because of that has never been able to keep a job, he's been supporting her and the children and will continue to do so, iv been having a very hard time with her, she swears and performesfor me, she calls all odd hours when shes tipsy and swears me, his been very supportive and says he wants to settle down with me, my problem is that i hate her at times especially when she uses the children to get her way but then i also feel so sorry for her, my heart just goes out to her, i feel sorry for her, i feel as though she needs him more thsn i do, im also scared because i havent been lucky with love, when he tells me he loves me i feel as though hes just saying it until he gets tired like the others, i even feel like breaking up with him just to save myself the pain, i cant stop been negative and i dont want that, i love him and i know he loves me very much but im just scared that i'll be disappointed again and i dont understand why i feel pity for this women, at times i feel like taking her shopping and cleaning her up and just talking some sence into her head, why do i worry so much about her and how can i stop beeing negative

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your feelings are very understandable, with someone who behaves hatefully towards you. But recognize that though your anger is justifiable and understandable, it isn't useful --- it doesn't really make you feel better ( probably, worse ) and doesn't change her behaviour. Your positive impulses are creditable, though I doubt that anyone will be able to talk any more sense into her head, unless she recognizes her alcohol and related problems and gets gerself sincerely into proper therapy with a shrink.
It sounds as though he may be a genuinely nice guy, with lasting care for his kids, and een the self-destructive ex --- don't plan on any long-term relationsip with him unless you can manage a long-term relationship with them, too, perhaps a close and affectionate one with the children, maybe a cautious and more distant one with his Ex.
Maybe it'd be a worthwhile investment for you and he to see a relationship counsellor to work out the best way of achieving this ? And you, individually, deserve some individual counselling, to recognize how very much you ARE worth, and that you do deserve and can achieve happiness. CBT counselling is espeially good at helping one defeat habits of negativism

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Megan | 2007/12/19

Thank you so much Tracy, do you know how much i needed that incouragement, i know i love him with all my heart and iv been standing with him all this time, your words really helped me, thank you

Reply to Megan
Posted by: Tracy | 2007/12/19

Hi Megan

I was in exactly the same situation. I met a man who had a wife and was also using his kids against him. She destroyed him mentally but I love him severely but also felt that I am not worthy of him but I stood by him through thick and thin, through being sworn by her and her phoning at all times etc, too long to mention but at the end of it I waited 15 years with him and now his kids are big and two years ago he went and divorced her and married me. But I knew not to put pressure on him as his loyalties always were with his kids. He is a really good father and now he is a really good husband. I still feel that I am not worthy of him and though my body is sagging and my eyes are going he is still inlove with me and I think we would be together forever. So I know it is wrong living in sin etc but if you feel in your heart that he is worth it then stand by him. I did.

Reply to Tracy
Posted by: Megan | 2007/12/19

I have spoken to him about my insercurities, i do feel as though im not worth it at times, i never had a easy life growing up and sometimes feel as though im not suppose to be happy and i am, iv found happiness but im so scared of loosing him, he always assures me that he loves me and that i make him happy, says he'll never do anything to hurt me or to jepodise what we have and when i look in his eyes i can see he means it but im still scared or maybe im just over welmed with the happiness and love im feeling, his been through a lot as well this thing with his soon to be ex hasnt been easy for him, his very supportive and always tells me he loves me and will never hurt me, i just need to believe it, dont want to loose him because of my negativity

Reply to Megan
Posted by: Sue | 2007/12/19

What does your BF have to say about all of this?

Have you spoken to him on how u feel?

Reply to Sue
Posted by: Maria | 2007/12/19

Megan, do you see a longterm relationship with this man? Then you must also accept a longterm relationship with his to-be-ex wife and children. Including the possibility that the children might live with him at some point if she is unable to look after them.

I think that perhaps you pity this woman because she is indeed pitiful. You are a nice person who does not like to see someone suffer. There is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for her but you are unlikely to be in a position to help her at all.

It sounds as if you may be very insecure about your ability to have a happy relationship, and about your worth as a person. Could you perhaps see a counseller to help you build up your own self esteem and confidence? Then you can decide what to do about your bf and his wife from a position of strength rather than weakness.

Good luck

Reply to Maria

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