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Posted by: Depressed | 2004/12/15

Advice please,.............anyone?

I feel like I am on the verge on a nervous breakdown ..... Ever felt like you are the only person in the world going through pain like this? I am afraid of what I might do to someone if my suspicions are once again confirmed. I am a married woman in my early thirties with beautiful children. Have been with my husband for several years, known him for many years. My problem is that I found out a couple of months ago that he was having an affair. On several occassions he has promised that things are over with this other woman, only to find out weeks later he is still seing her. Its not the first affair, and I am convinced he still contacts her. God forbid I find out that they are still in contact. What do I do? I can't trust him at all. I am not sure something is going on, but I just think that he has lied and broken my trust soo often I am scared to trust again. I am an attractive woman, always pleasing him sexually, does everything a good wife should, always sees to the kids, and home..... For what ? To get a husband that lies, cheats, physically and mentally abuses me..... Sorry guys !!! its just the damage that has been done to me ..... I don't think I could ever get involved with anyone, ever. My self esteem is none existent, and after all this he declares his undying love. I need to know from the men out there, what do you want in a marriage? Why do men have affairs? Does he just say he loves me not to hurt my little feelings I have left. I have offered him his freedom to be with her but he keeps telling me he loves only me, and then I find out he still sees and speaks to her. Could he love me if he is doing this to me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Oddlt, perhaps, almost everyone going through physical or mental pain, tends to feel as if they are the only person on earth experiencing something so awful. Why put up with continuing abuse ? Call POWA and get a good lawyer. It's not your fault that your husband seems to insist on behaving like a worm. If you seriously want to try to continue the relationship and you think he does, then marriage counselling should be compulsory. If he's not prepared to seriously and sincerely try that, then he doesn't deserve to have you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Depressed | 2004/12/15

To C..... I know how you feel and it really is hard..... They sound like the come from the same mould, should hook the two up they would probably be best pals, sounds like they have a lot in common. Good luck to you and thanks

Reply to Depressed
Posted by: c | 2004/12/15

Hi there your story is exactly the same as mine....I went ahead and divorced him. I refused to be his doormat. It was hell believe me and still is. Can u believe he still says he loves me yet I know for a fact he is seeing someone now. I also did my best and am an attractive woman. in fact while married, guys even used to hit on me and still do........but just cant understand why he continously did what he did to me and our family. Also use to tell me all the time that he stopped seeing her and I would find out that he hasnt stopped. I still think about it and it affects me deeply even though I try my best to hide. People look at me and think I am this really strong person but deep down I'm so fragile and hurt.

I know exactly how u feel

Take care

Reply to c
Posted by: Poppie | 2004/12/15

D, keep your head up high, as you said above "I am an attractive woman, always pleasing him sexually, does everything a good wife should, always sees to the kids, and home..... " (I'm using your words to make you see that this is not the end of the person that is YOU). He will do to her what he did to you. Enjoy your kids, love them and concentrate on them. They give love and happiness. :-)

Reply to Poppie
Posted by: anon | 2004/12/15

Some advice from your kids point of view - its better to live in two homes i.e one your moms and the other your dads than be stuck in the middle of a war. Get out now, your kids will thank you for it, and will respect you for it. Also, it may salvage any relationship they will have with thier father. Trust me, I grew up in the circumstances you describe, and it has really affected how I feel about my parents. They are divorced now, but I still have so many issues, like how a woman (I am female) deserves to be treated in a relationship. I settled for an abusive partner, cause thats what my moms behavior taught me.
Kids pick up on things, the bad stuff never went on in front of me. I am the lucky kid, my siblings are alllllll screwed up!

Reply to anon
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/15

Hi D,

Seems you may have made your choice on somethings, so why not carry this through? As Poppie says, if you have no "faith" in the relationship working out anymore, why not take into consideration the example you, & him are setting to the kids?

I can understand about the part where you feel scared to the point of saying nothing & just accepting things as they are, but what is this doing to you as person? No girl, you're worth much more than that, & I know you don't need me to tell you that.

May I ask D, what would you like to see happening from here on in that would make you feel like you're moving forward as opposed to being stuck in a sitaution???

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Poppie | 2004/12/15

To Shaun - I think the good advice should not be about her communicating with her husband (who doenst listen anyway) but more about her kids feelings. Make him feel bad for doing this to their kids and her feel bad for staying and allowing someone to do this to her kids.

Reply to Poppie
Posted by: Depressed | 2004/12/15

To Shaun - You always give such wonderful advice ..... I always read the advice you give others, we could definitely do with more men like you in this world ! As for communication as you mentioned I think it probably is one of our biggest problems. I have given up on communicating, cause I don't believe a word he says anyway....so why waste my breath. And another thing, he has a violent temper and sometimes I am just to damn scared to say anything cause I don't know how he will react. As for respect, I respect the dead more ......

Reply to Depressed
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/15

Hi D,

I don't think your self-esteem is not existant or you wouldn't feel the way you do about certain things. & yes, we often feel like we are the only ones going thru something at any given time. We only realise differently when we open up & share with others who are able to relate.
I think your hubby is way too lucky.
Often you would find that "us" men want more or less the same things from marriage as women do. Guess sometimes the communication breaks down & things change, or sometimes maybe, you know the saying familiarity breeds contempt... greener pastures & all that. Guess we don't think that those pastures are greener coz they growing from a burst shit-pipe.
Why he says he loves you only only he would be able to tell you, coz in my opinion love is also respecting the other person.
I also don't think he can completely love you & still do these things to you. Why do you feel you are not worth more than this???

Anyway, I think the best suggestion I could give right now is that you guys seriously consider marriage counselling. Trust is so easy to break, but it's damn hard to re-build that. At the same time though, know that I think it's a choice you can make, the hard part is sticking to the choice...

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: poppie | 2004/12/15

Dear Depressed, I'm sorry to hear that a person could do such things to other people. It sounds as if animals are more loyal than your husband. That was the life I grew-up in and I realised after many years of confusion, the person doing the wrong will always stay like that and should be accepted as the "hot plate", its the person that keeps on putting her little hand on the "hot plate" that I'm sorry for. Today I know my dad is like that and still love him because I know who he is, it's my mother I'm cross with because she allowed it to happen.

Reply to poppie
Posted by: Unknown | 2004/12/15

Get the F##K out of the relationship if his cheating & has broken your trust on so many occasions...

Reply to Unknown

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