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Question
Posted by: Margaret | 2005/12/02

Advice please?

My boyfriend of over a year will on the odd occasion, perhaps once in two months, have a drink after work and sms me "sorry, I am late" and he'll be half an hour late.

It happened on Monday nite but last nite he sms'd just after 5 and came home at 10.30 with no explanation or anything. I didn't greet him and he didn't greet me. This morning he made me coffee and opened the garage door as usual and I left for work.

I don't know how to handle this. Surely he's at fault an must make the effort to explain ?

The two friends he has drinks with are the same two he use to go to stripclubs and prostitute's when he was stil single.

I'm so upset. We don't have this type of problem ever before. I don't feel like dragging it out of him or anything surely he must explain ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, surely he OUGHT to explain, and the fact that he seems reluctant to do so is troubling for you. Simply talk calmly to him about it, and I agree with Buzz, he owes you an apology and an explanation --- what he did was bad manners and inconsiderate. Your own suggestion about going out tonight wouldn't be a good idea --- if he could understand what it feels like, he wouldnt have done it in the first place. If he cared that much, there wouldn't be a problem.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/12/02

IF you're hoping to hurt him by going out on your own, I can guarantee that you're only going to cause more damage. But if he's not around, and you feel like going to the movies, then do it. But don't do it to spite him.

What I meant by not allowing it the first time, is this. He did something that upset you (rightly so too!). You must tell him at the first opportunity that his behaviour was unacceptable to you, that you will not tolerate it again, and next time there will be consequences (but you must MEAN it, never make empty threats). Then the two of you need to have a good talk about what both of you want and is prepared to give, in your relationship. Talking, talking, talking.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Been there | 2005/12/02

All I can say is that you are both adults. I am only 22 and I decided to "put my foot down" and make my feelings known before things got too serious. And so did he! Just remember that you are an independant woman. And also, you are a whole person all on your own. You don't NEED anyone but yourself and you higher power (what/whoever that may be). Concentrate on you. Take time out to focus on what YOU want and if you see the two of you reaching your goals together or if you see him doing his own thing. He is old enough now to quit the childish games. Stripclubs and drinking with the boys until the wee hours is just NOT ON! Stand up for yourself! What's the worst that could happen? He could leave. If he does, then he never really loved you!

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Margaret | 2005/12/02

Buzz I did read that somewhere. One should make a stand the first time.

Should I go out to the movies or something tonight so he can feel what it feels like ?

Reply to Margaret
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/12/02

Margaret, you don't have to drag anything out of your boyfriend. I believe he owes you and explanation AND an apology. You guys need to have a serious talk, to discuss your expectations and requirements, and future prospects in this relationship.

What he did is unacceptable, and I can understand why you're upset. Remember the golden rule, if you allow it the first time, chances are that it will happen (and be accepted!)continually.

Good luck!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Margaret | 2005/12/02

I am 39 and he is 45. This friend drink's his life away he got a lumpsum and he's just about spent it all.

Reply to Margaret
Posted by: Been there | 2005/12/02

My husband didn't like the friends that I was hanging out with when we were dating and he told me openly. Sure, we had a fight about it, but I gave up most of my friends for him! And when I see those friends around now, they have no ambition! They are going nowhere! I am better off without them thanks to my hubby! If I were you, I would sit him down and have a calm conversation. Make notes of all the things you want to ask him and how you are feeling. If you really don't want confrontation, write him an email or letter. But start them by telling him how much you love and care about him and explain how hurt you are and why. If he doesn't understand and at least try to come to some sort of conpromise, then he is a jerk! My husband and I agreed to never go out to clubs or drinking without eachother. Things have happened in the past when we have gone out alone and we agreed that we didn't want that sort of trouble. How old are you and how old is your bf? It seems that he needs to grow up a little if he is still haning out with such brainless friends! Anyone silly enough to hire a prozzie needs to have his head checked! And as for strip clubs, what's all the fuss about? I went WITH my hubby to one (we had both never been before and were curious). What a let down! The one dancer was flirting with ME rather than with him! I think you need to be honest and set some boundries and standards! Good luck.

Reply to Been there

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