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Question
Posted by: Virgo | 2004/11/09

Advice please

I need serious advice here. My childhood was'nt one of the greatest because I had an abusive father who mentally and physically attacked my mom, brother and I. I got engaged to get out of the house but left him cos he was cheating on me. I moved to another town to start afresh but still had endless problems with my father's drinking and abusiveness towards my mother. I was worried for all the time. I then went for councilling and it seemed to get better. In between all this relationships did'nt work for me iether. I was always trying to please everyone and just getting kicked in the teeth. My father passed away and now its just mom and me. I have since met a guy who is a bit younger than me and I was so scared of getting hurt once again that we decided to remain friends. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock, how could I support a child when I can hardly get by myself. My only option was abortion. yes, selfish of me but it was for the best. I did'nt tell the father because at that stage we were not on speaking terms and I did'nt want to complicate his life either. We did'nt have contact for more than two months and then I bumped into him. he was upset with me for not wanting to commit to a relationship but I was worried about what he's folks and friends would say when they found out that I was older. Believe me at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. We had another fall out but made peace once more. I now know that I have deep feelings for him and there's not a day that does'nt go by that I think of him and how silly I was to worry about what other people would say. I contacted him and we arranged to meet, now the shoe is on the other foot cos now he does'nt want me anymore. I'm just so tired of always being on my own. It really gets me down that I hurt his feelings, I don't like playing with someone's emotions. Now with Xmas around the corner and all the functions I go to, I'm on my own. Believe me when I tell you that I have apologised for my actions and hurting the guy but I'm just getting no where with him now. I get so fed when people ask me when am I going to settle down and have a family. All I want is some happiness in my life and to forget the past. I love this guy to bits and its tearing me apart that we can't sort any of this out. it's not nice being on your own all the time. I'm not the type to go to a club or pub on my own and with most of my friends being married or they have children, I spend a lot of time on my own. Is this ust a stage I'm going through or am I just losing the plot totally?

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Our expert says:
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Virgo, sounds like you really need and deserve a longer and more skilled period of counselling, to work hrough this. One of the lasting effects abuse can have is this excessive regard for pleasing others, and neglecting your own needs --- work on that in counselling. Sort out your own issues in counselling, and then you'll be far more free to find and enjoy a healthier and less needy relationship, as an equal. Sounds like this relatonship with the guy is acally over, and waiting for you to let go and move on. You're not losing the plot ; and you desrve and will find a better and more lasting and fulfilling relatonship, after geting your homework done in counselling.

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