Posted by: franky | 2005/06/30

Advice needed please...

We are engaged, have a boy, 8 months.. We are almost 4 years together. I need help, any help. She is MD of a company. She had relationships with two men at here work, not your ordinary relationship, not to get into details, lets just say the relationships was for the "benefits" only... Those men are maried. Now sometimes she lets me know that she is goning to work late.

Sometimes she lets me know (all via sms) that she is going for coffee or lunch with one of them. This happens once to 3 times a week. There was times when she lied about where she is going, I confront her then she says she knows how I would react, thats why she said nothing. Alot of times she works late, most of the times only for 20 - 30mins, but doesn't let me know, I sms and try to phone to hear were she is. Then after 20 - 30mins, she phone and says, she is sorry, but she had stuff to sort out and was not in her office to let know..... BUT PLEASE DO NOT EVER try to confront her, then she says that I do not trust her..

What can I do, how can I handle this situation, I am afraid I might find out something that will destroy me. How can I let her know that if she was in my shoes, she would've liked it when I go out to lunch with an (benefits) ex?!

She is a great woman in many ways, but this is the thing that break me apart.....allways.....

Please give me any advise....

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Our expert says:
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No wonder some companies have commercial difficulties, when management get involved in affairs with each other. Sounds like you're very ambivalent here, wanting and not wanting to know what's going on. her continuing to go out for lunch ( a social nor business occasion ) with someone she has previously had an affair with, unless others are present for genuine business reasons, is unfortunate. Any chance of marriage counselling ?
Sounds like the immature little boss i spending way too much money and way too much time showing off his wealth. How pathetic ! Actually,I'm inclined to share Buzz's suspicions, as she does sound as if she may have qualified ( and may continue to qualify herself ) as MD in a slightly unorthodox manner. Are you sure you want to marry someone you can't trust, and who does seem to be continuingly unfaithful ? And I agree that the company directors might be very surprised to hear how this pair choose to waste their time during office hours.
Nothing about business requires her to socialize with her boss alone, though of course both might be present when they entertain an actual live client ( if that boss can stop buying things long enough to actually sell something ).
And your last comment suggests that she does what she does because she relies on you to accept it. If that's the relationship you want, you're welcome to it, and it will continue like this or escalate. If you cant a genuine relationship with someone faithful and focussed on you, then this may not be it !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Franky | 2005/07/01

Yes, she tells me everytime that I have to accept her work. Sometimes she only ignores my questions. It's just a mission to talk to her.... But I'll try again..

She allways say I must trust her, should I? I mean, it doesn't mean that you do NOT do something wrong, that you now may go out for luch with an ex, bussiness (debatable) or not bussiness...

Thank you all for your comments & advice

Reply to Franky
Posted by: Franky | 2005/07/01

I decide to let go of the stuff she does, I am not going to get upset or ask her what's going on. I am going to wait and see what happens.
I think she is starting to like the way I react about the stuff that she does. She probably thinks that I am not man enough to take my stuff and leave.

Reply to Franky
Posted by: Franky | 2005/07/01

Joe Don, you are obviously not in the same situation as I am in. How would you react if this was you & she was your GF, fiance or wife? I need advise, not criticism, let me know when you are in the same situation, then we'll see... But, tell me how do you think I should handle this situation, IF it happens again or similar???

I understand that she has to socialize, regarding the position she is in ext, but why do it in a way that would upset me or let worry? Would it not bother you if your GF did stuff I mentioned?

I don't phone after her all day, she lets me know when she is doing stuff otherwise than work. She gives herself away most of the times.

Reply to Franky
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/07/01

Joe Don, you are callous. Franky's insecure with good reason. No job requires staff members to socialise at their boss' house during working hours - alone nogal - the board of directors would be very surprised to hear their MD buying motorbikes with her boss on their time. Would you not feel insecure when other men make jokes about your fiancee and all their escapades together? I'm sure he doesn't expect her to let him know when she goes to the toilet - your comments are really insensitive and childish.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Joe Don | 2005/07/01

She is updating her "benefits statement".

But at the same time, I'm actually not surprised. You appear to be very in-secure phoning after her all day. Does she have to tell you when she goes for a sh!t too?

Because of her high-powered job, she has to socialise. It goes with the job. You can't deal with that. BEst you call it a day or just put up with it and live in misery for your child's sake.

Reply to Joe Don
Posted by: Mbatha | 2005/07/01

When a woman is selfish is selfish, men are always labeled as dogs because they don't say much about their problems. I also had a problem with my GF, she was fricking with her ex but I foundout and I was labeled as this person who doesn't trust her as they have a kid together. I fought my way through and I was abuot to give up when things became bettter and better.

Don't just keep quiet always try to have explanations where you feel unhappy. Its not about security or trust its just that you don't like it, no man would allow his gF to with another man fo any reason especially if they had affair b4. Don't trust he

Reply to Mbatha
Posted by: SG | 2005/07/01

This woman is treating you very unfairly.You must not allow her to manipulate you as she obviously is.
You need to have a serious chat to her and set some ground rules.If she is not prepared to,then you really need to ask yourself what you want out of a relationship and unfortunately consider moving on.
Good luck

Reply to SG
Posted by: Lola | 2005/07/01

She is being very infair on you, lying is never a good way to manage problems in a relationship. I always believe I would rather hear the truth sand be a little miffed with it, than hear a lie which comes out later as such.

You need to talk to her about your concerns in a calm manner, so that she doesn't become defensive. Do it when you are both calm and happy, not after such an incident has occured.

You definitly have grounds to be upset, she is your fiance and as such shouldn't be speeding around in a sports car buying Harleys and visiting mansions with her ex lover.

Reply to Lola
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/07/01

Franky, you have a choice. Accept the fact that your fiancee is cheating on you, or leave her. She's not only cheating, but a liar too. Makes you wonder how she became MD in the first place.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Franky | 2005/07/01

Morning Jane,

We have a boy, were engaged... I am happy, but not with everything she does... Is this really the only way..???

Thx for the input Jane.

Reply to Franky
Posted by: Franky | 2005/07/01

Hi... She had the relationships before we were together, at that time we were friends.... Benefits, I mean that is was just physical.... Sex ext....
More details.... One of them is her boss, of course, and the other, the sales manager... Both married at the time, her boss is divorced now.

A while back she told me(sms), she and her boss has to go see a client round about 11h20 the morning, this happens alot because its a international company ext.. After lunch, 14h00, I sms'd her and ask if all is fine... After a while, she phoned and said that they are at Harley Davidson, her boss bought a bike. I asked if they went to the client, she said yes... While we were speaking she told her boss that she needs to go to work, then she climbed is his car and drove off. Then we put down the phone. After about an hour, I asked her were she is, because H.D shop, is about 5km from her work, she sms'd and said, she is near work but first going to the petrol station to fill up our car.... THIS IS WERE I GOT SUSPICIOUS... I then said, that she is then driving her bosses car?!! Then she did not say anything... I phoned, then when I confronted het over the phone about this, she lost it a little... She said that they drove from work with 2 cars to his house, because he wanted to show her his new mansion in Kyalami Estate. Then they left his house with his sports car to go buy a Harley.. But she did not tell me this, she said that they were going to see a client... She said that she did not want to tell me, because she knows how I would react...
Why? Why does she do this? Am I doing somethind wrong? I never go out with people her at work, not even lunch with woma or men... Why does she do it with me?

In the beginning of our relationship, she went to lunch (more than a hour) with them every day, went one for about a year. I stop it, after "secretary day".. When her boss phoned me to let me know that I should rather come fetch her. "She enjoyed herself to much".... Luckly this ended then, in a way...
Another thing, her boss and the other guy, they make these comments abour her in conversations, to let me think twice, they don't know that I know that they had a relationship... I spoke to her about these comments, she said they are assholes (sorry), I must ignore them.....

Allways when I confront her about anything, I plays around that I do not trust her.....


Reply to Franky
Posted by: Jane | 2005/07/01

She has you on a string like a puppet and she knows it. If you dont trust her (and there probably is reason enough not to), then you should call it a day.

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/06/30

Franky, did she have these relationships while you guys were together? And what exactly do you mean by benefits?

I'm a married woman, and my husband will most certainly not tolerate me going out for coffee three times a week with any man, not to mention 2 guys I've had sexual liaisons with.

I can understand your insecurities, you need to have a serious talk to her to find out if both of you have the same expectations here. Good luck.

Reply to Buzz

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