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Question
Posted by: CT | 2007/04/18

Advice for gay female???

Dear Cybershrink,

I need some advice. I am a gay 23 yr old female. I have been in a relationship with my partner for 2 years now, while I have been living with my parents. I haven't told them that I am gay yet. Now I am moving in with my partner at the end of the month. My mother is having a really hard time dealing with this, her daughter leaving home and feels like I am abandoning her. On top of that she is assuming that we'll have different rooms and this is just a friendship based move and feels that I am choosing my 'friend' over her.

She has been a very overprotective mother throughout the years and she has the need to hold on to me and not let me go. If I go away for a week she cries...things like that.

I know what has to be done, and I am so scared of hurting her. I wanted your advice on whether I should do it before the move or after the move. I'm thinking maybe before so that she can still spend time with me before I go. But on the other hand I know this on top of me moving out is going to break her. Her emotional temperament is not very good and she is unstable.

How do I do this with the least amount of pain? I know there is no easy way, and I guess its going to hurt her either way. I just hope that there is a way I can cushion it a bit for her. I mean I love my mother very much and I really don't want to hurt her.

Any advice on this sticky situation?

Thanks for taking the time...
Regards,
CT


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello CT,
Mothers find it hard to acept their children growing up and moving out --- even at 23 ! --- let alone a very over-protective mom. I understand your dilemma, especially if she is unstable and handles stress and surprises badly. I don't know how we can predict which would work best, telling her before or after the move. One might argue that doing it before gives her a bigger bundle of concerns to face at once, doing it after might enable her to handle the first issue of your moving away from her, before facing the second.
Excellent responses from Tiny TIm and Marius. This is one of those situations in which she WILL find out, eventually, so that your choice is HOW she finds out, not IF. You haven't mentioned whether she knows your friend, or how, if so, she relates to your friend. If they already know each other and have a good relationship, maybe having your friend join you when you discuss this with mom would work well. But if she doesn't know your friend, that might make it more difficult.
Have you perhaps contacted some of the gay/lesbian support groups or organizations near you, for their advice based on their own experience of coming out to their families ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: MARIUS | 2007/04/18

DEAR CT,
THIS IS A HARD ONE. I WOULD TAKE YOUR PARTNER ,SIT DOWN WITH YOUR MOM AND TALK IT OUT.LEIS AND PRETENDING IS JUST GOING TO CREATE HASSLE LATER.I AM A FATHER TO 2 GREAT BOYS ,ONEDAY I MIGHT BE IN YOUR MOMS SHOES,AND IF MY BOYS WOULD JUST BE HONEST ,ALTHOUGH ,IT MIGHT BE HARD, I WOULD WANT MY BOYS TO BE HAPPY AND LOVED.

Reply to MARIUS
Posted by: TIny Tim | 2007/04/18

Explain why you like women so much... iam sure she will understand and relate to that. then ask her to get to know your bed buddy, the more she knows and likes her the better,
Lastly visit her alot.... do you have a dad and if so what will he say ?

Reply to TIny Tim

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