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Question
Posted by: sad | 2007/06/07

adopted

its me agian. this prob is really buggin. ws told last yera dat im adopted. only startin speakin to my bio dad 2 mths ago. we hav not met n im afraid 2. im afarid that i will be dissapointed. dese days he is always eager 2 hear from me. im scared our new relationship wil be a novelty that wil wear of and that i will not be important 2 him later. my family has put me under a great amount of pressure 2 meet him. i feel im nt emotionally strong enuf 2 meet bcoz i find it so difficult 2 speeak 2 him on the phone. it takes a lot of effort. i also dont knw wqat 2 really speak 2 him about. please help

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Our expert says:
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YOu could of course be disappointed if you allow your expectations to build up to be unreasonably high. So much depends on your mutual expectations, personalities, and the circumstances which led to the adoption. It's a pity you weren't told earlier so as to adjust to the idea more gradually. If you keep your hopes in check and more modest --- maybe hoping to find him an OK guy, perhaps tied up in his separate life and without much time to give to a new relationship with you --- that's be OK, though not great --- then there's room for whatever happens to turn out a bit better than that. Better is a bonus.
But insist that your family MUST STOP putting you under ANY pressure whatever to meet with him --- that is NONE of their business ! Why are they in such a hurry about this ? What's in it for them ? If you don't feel ready, don't do it yet. Maybe seing a counsellor for a couple of sessions would help you to sort through and clarify your emotions --- the decision about if and when to meet him must be taken by you in terms of your own best interests, and not to satisfy anyone else.

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Our users say:
Posted by: sad | 2007/06/08

im 25. tks ever1 4 d support n advice esp maria n cs.

Reply to sad
Posted by: Maria | 2007/06/08

It's under TALK not EXPERTS - click on TALK above and then look on the left

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Blondie | 2007/06/08

Hi

Which adoption forum? I've also been adpoted and have loads of advice and support to share.

Reply to Blondie
Posted by: Maria | 2007/06/08

CPM, sal jou oor die naweek mail. Jy kan kyk op die Adoption forum, ons storie is daar.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: C. | 2007/06/08

Meet your dad. If you don't like him, or if you're 'dissapointed' in him, simply break off contact. I was adopted. I was five or six when they removed me from my mother and got placed with current parents. I always had (on and off) contact with my mother. And I loved her regardless of what she did. Later in life I found that she was just worthless and broke off all ties.

All I want to say is give it a chance. Just meet him and then make up your mind. I would've loved to know my real father, but I never will, even though I know his name. I know nothing more. Just for one meeting, one hour with him. So in my opinion, give him one chance. You will be sorry if you let this chance go by.

Reply to C.
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/06/08

Maria,I see that you have researched adoption a bit and would like to talk to you.<br><br>Hi Sad - sorry to hear about this...I have no advice, sorry. But good luck!

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Maria | 2007/06/07

Hi sad
May I ask how old you are? I have an adopted daughter and have done quite a lot of research on the subject. I think it is a pity that you only found out last year that you are adopted, it must have been quite a shock.
Meeting or not meeting him is absolutely your decision and nobody has the right to pressurise you. You need to protect yourself because as you say, you don't know where the relationship will go. What, if anything, do you want or expect from your bio dad? What does he expect from you? Perhaps you should ask him that. And why is it so important to your family that you should meet him?
Perhaps you could read some books on adoption to help you understand the emotions of all the people involved. And go and see a counsellor to talk about the issues that is brought up by all of this.
Good luck.

Reply to Maria

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