Posted by: Corrie | 2009/03/16


Dear CyberShrink,

From always being sick depression, hypertension, allergic rhinitis, high cholesterol, acid reflux. water retension, constipation, hemeroids, rectal bleeding, constant headaches, constant tiredness toward late afternoon and yet suffer from insomnia between 1am and 3am in the mornings, Unfit,, etc...

Both kids are ADHD, according to my Psychiatrist I am also ADHD. I am classified as major depressed, with morbid obesity and battling to face everything.

We are also in sever financial difficulty (not due to clothing, retail accounts, etc.) But due to the fact that we moved house within the province 6 times. Each time my husbands'  company stuffed us around and I had to arrange finance (either by means of loans, overdrafts, credit card, etc) each time and on the very last minute. For approx 6 months i had to live 110km away from him so as to allow me to keep my job and had to "  board"  with his family and go "  home"  on weekends. This was very exhausting. The last move was back to civilisation and left us literally broke.

Then my husband left his job at that stage to take up another offer he got with a monthly increase of approx R1,000-00 per month. He started there just to be retrenched after two weeks. He was unemployed for 7 months. We could not claim UIF for him due to the fact that we lost his green bar-coded ID Book (probably from all the moves).

The pension monies could not be paid out due to him not having his own bank account. The banks wouldn'  t open up an account for him, since he could not produce an original green bar-coded ID Book. Then, finally he got this job (he'  s managed to keep until now) and yet he does not have any ambition to better himself.

I feel as though I don'  t have 2 children but 3 in fact. Maybe because of his upbringing. Yes, I am earning more than hiim, but I have never thrown it in his face. Yet, he always says that I am too domineering and blaming me for past choices he made. We don'  t talk that much anymore and are always arguing and fighting.

Although I have told him that we should not do this in front of the children, it seems as though he doesn'  t listen. When he is in a bad mood, the children, the dogs and the cat gets shouted at for nothing and sometimes even get hurt by him unnecessarity.

Sometimes I get the impression that he can'  t handle stress, deal with issues (escpecially the kids that are ADHD) and that he would ask me for permission before doing something. After being together for 11years, he hasn'  t learnt how to be romantic, how to treat the "  woman he supposadly loves, adores, etc"  . He doesn'  t even talk decently to me.This is rolling over to the kids, in that my daughter shouts at me all the time (she'  s only 10), rolls her eyes, stomps her feet and slams everything. My son (8) has no respect for me or his sister. He'  s always hitting her and she bullies him as well. They are constantly bickering and fighting and I have tried all the punishments and NONE of the work!!!!!

I too am working in Govt and finding it very difficult. I have had to work very hard to get promoted to an Assistant Manager and have had to learn to deal with a different "  work ethic, communication style of language and approach of the people"  .

Some of the things i cannot understand and are against my moral. But i need the job for the sustinance of my family.

Thank you


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like it'd be worth getting legal advice from a free lawclinic ( at your nearest law school ) about any employer messing you about so as to need to move so often and at such an expense --- that's nonsense. And similarly, it's ridiculously incompetent for any company to hire someone only to retrench them weeks later, especially if they knew he was leaving an established job to work for them. Its very understandable that you both feel stressed and insecure. Marriage counselling would help, if it could be arranged. You and he need to work together to teach the children to respect both of you, and to show respect towards each other. Punishments never teach respect, only fear and defiance.

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