Posted by: Zola | 2008/08/20

Addicted to a dead relationship

Hi guys,

I am (or was) in a relationship with this guy since Jan. It was good at the beginning but now he has clearly lost interest. Me on the other hand - I just can' t stop feeling like I still love him. I am continuosly chasing after him. If I don' t call him I know he won' t call me. It was such a struggle for me not to call him yesterday and today - but I don' t know if I will make it through tomorrow.

I don' t even know if we are still together or not because he responds to my efforts but he makes none from his side.

I am just so addicted to him. Other guys ask me out and I have no interest at all - all I want is him. And the problem is that I think he knows this. He knows that no matter how bad he treats me I will always come back. How can I break this bad habit? I was even thinking of going to see a shrink...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A relationship that started in January can't have lasted very long, nor long enough to explain your excessive atachment to it. This suggests that the power behind this longing and attachment probably comes almost entirely from within you, from your need for a relationship, rather than from him, so it is in a way autonomous and able to continue without him. Why should you need to try so desperately to cling to someone so obviously much less interested in you ? Seeing a shrink is an excellent idea, especially a psychologist, to explore the roots of this excess --- maybe including aspects of low self-esteem. This is where I disagree with some other readers --- I'm not sure that he necessarily took advantage of you, though he may have recognized and responded to your neediness. But he had no power over you which you didn't give to him.
And as Lolo reminds us, people who are too clingy or give off the sense of desperation are begging to be exploited, and will never in that way find a genuinely enjoyable and lasting relationship.
And Zola's comments point again to my dislike of relationships basing themselves excessively on electronic communication --- the SMS, the voicemail, and so on. If you can't relate mainy by actually meeting directly, it's a hobby, not a relationship.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ORANGE | 2008/08/27

Hi Zola, I was in the same situation. I managed to keep quite as well its about a month now and I told myself that I do not deserve to be treated like that, who the hell does he think he is...

Reply to ORANGE
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/08/21

Zola i think if he treats you like that you should cut your losses, ask him first if he still want to continue with this relationship.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: CJ | 2008/08/21

I am a man in and in the same boat, it sucks but I don' t phone

Reply to CJ
Posted by: Zola | 2008/08/21

I agree with you Lolo regarding dependency - but attention should also be paid to the relationship otherwise what' s the point.

We see each other like once in 2 months (long distance) and guess who does the travelling - ME. He used to call and sms and now NOTHING. I have to call, if I sms he does not even respond - not even to a specific question. Now all of a sudden he hates sms, he hates calling at night and he hates voice mail - so how else are we going to talk...What I am busy doing here is trying to ride a dead horse. I just need the strength to dismount.

Reply to Zola
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/08/21

ladies always remember to have life of your own, don' t share friends with your partner, don' t be dependant on the partner, bur learn to respect one another and maintain the relationship.

Giving space. Those in healthy relationships are not clingy or overly dependent and they can give each other space in which to do their own thing. This doesn' t mean that they don' t do anything together –  on the contrary. But they don' t feel they have to be at each other' s sides like heart lung machines. And they don' t watch every move of their partner jealously. They are happy in themselves and don' t need to get constant minute-by-minute approval, but they give support when it is called for.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Anon | 2008/08/21

I hate to admit it, but I am EXACTLY where you are Zola, and I wonder what is wrong with me??This time I' m determined NOT to contact him.It' s been 3 days and I' m feeling stronger each day.Thinking of you...

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Rosey | 2008/08/20

I empathise Zola. I' ve been there too. It' s awful to feel so weak. No guy should be allowed that kind of power over any girl.

I' ve just been reading an EXCELLENT book about it - full of practical advise and humorous anecdotes. It' s called ' Why Men Love Bitches' , by Sherry Argov. Consider picking up a copy - I' m sure it will help you find that strength you' re looking for right now.

Reply to Rosey
Posted by: EL | 2008/08/20

That' s always the problem, they take advantage of people like you! Just don' t call him, show him that you don' t care anymore, he will soon start running back to you!

Reply to EL

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