Posted by: Ben | 2005/07/23

Active or passive?


Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now (today to be exact) and we both enjoy sex. The thing is since we have been together he always penetrated me (I 'did' him like twice in this whole time). I didn't care that he was the active one. I like it when he penetrates me but recently I've been very experimental with sex. Im 20 years old and came out of the closet about 2 years ago. So, you could say I've only done the gay thing about a year and a half. I want to experience it more to be the active one. I want to penetrate him (the one time I did it, it was amazing) but he doesnt like it at all. If it weren't for me we wouldnt have sex. Only fore play (and I want to be intamite) I also dont want to cheat on him but the drive only gets bigger.... I have spoken to him about this. What do I do? Should I just give it up?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Ben and thanks for your message,

Congrats on your anniversary.

People have various preferences in terms of what they enjoy sexually, including what role they prefer. Some are versatile while others aren't. You mention that you enjoyed being active with him, but I'm wondering how he experienced being on the receptive end? Has he enjoyed being penetrated by other guys, before your relationship?Some guys simply don't enjoy the sensation of being penetrated.

Importantly, your sexual interactions are taking place within the framework of a relationship and your sex will be influenced by other dynamics in the relationship. For example, what else is going on between you guys in terms of power dynamics, communication and other roles that you play in your relationship? Don't cheat on your partner - that would change your relationship completely, even if your partner never finds out about it. Rather try to share your feelings about the issue with him in a non-confrontational tone.

You also imply that it is you who has to initiate all the sex. Is it possible that you have a higher sex drive than your partner? Where a couple are not compatibile in terms of their sexual preferences and sex drives they will need to negotiate and reach a sense of compromise. If that doesn't work, some couples negotiate making the relationship more 'open' - coming to an agreement about having sex with someone or people outside of the relationship. Obviously this has huge implications for your relationship and unless the process is very carefully negotiated, with total acceptance by both parties, it is likely to lead to problems down the line. Having been together for one year though you need to acknowledge that the relationship is still in a fragile stage of development.

Another option is for you guys to have a few sessions of couple counselling. A gay counsellor could help you explore the issue in the context of your relationship and help you resolve the probelm, one way or the other. Call the Gay & Lesbian Helpline on (021) 4 222 500 any day between 1 pm and 9 pm and ask if they have a gay counsellor listed in your area.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Desperate Houseboy | 2005/07/25

Hi there stranger! You partner is not willing to work with you, how's about you do me anytime you want to?

Reply to Desperate Houseboy
Posted by: Ben | 2005/07/25

Thank you for the advice. It's nice to know that there is a source of help and guidence out there... I know that alot of guys will benifit from your advice. Keep up the good work!

Reply to Ben

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