Posted by: flower | 2006/04/05


I am so confused. I dont' know whether I am in an abusive relationship or if the problem is with me. My boyfriend and I live together. II have completely changed since I have been with him. It seems that every single argument we have is my fault, something I did wrong, I don't pay enough attention to him or I don't love him enough. At least once a week we fight about something or other. He is a different person amongst other people. I suspect that the relationship is abusive, but how do I know for sure.

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Our expert says:
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It is never the case that when a couple argues, it is ALWAYS the fault of one of them. And if you are accused on not loving him enough or not paying him enough attention, then he sounds alarmingly needy or greedy and selfish, or both. This relationship sounds abusive in its impact on you, and that's what matters, not some external definition. If you think the relationship might be worth saving, and he can be persuaded, relationship counselling just might help. Otherwise, maybe give it up as unworkable, and move on

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Our users say:
Posted by: JOE | 2006/04/05

i am a guy who has had " abuse discussion s" in the
past ---
i know for sure that i never have been openly abusive !!
i love and respect women---
-i have never ever hit my lady
-i never shout at my lady
- i never swear at my lady
- lady alwasy had enough mony -- never ever short
== where the story of abuse comes in -- is resulting from the disagreements we have -- and then the arguments !!
BUT -- who can say who is at fault ???
this is very difficult -- as there is never smoke without fire !!
it USUSALLY always takes two people to have a bad argument -=- when both will not give up !!
i am starting to get the idea as follows ---
== ladies are happy to have a full on argumenmt with all the shouting etc - and then forget about it in 1/2 hour and
expect to carry on as before - as though nothing happened
- as long as they have had " their say "
== when men have had the argument -- the bad feeling stays for some time -- maybe several days
and the ladies cannot work out why the guy is " in a bad mood " .
am i correct ???
-- the way i see it -- men are born aggressive animals --
we are the food hunters !!
this is why we are not " good arguers " -- we do not get over it quick enough !!
this is not abuse -- it is how men are born .
-- so ... how to get over the arguments ??
the lady will have to " cuiddle up " to her man -- as she is over it long before him -- and in this way -- get back into harmony again --

Reply to JOE
Posted by: flower | 2006/04/05

We've been together for almost a year and a half. I've done alot of research on the subject. I think I know that I'm right, but for some reason I'm denying it. I can't discuss it with him. He is never wrong and he'll just blow up. I don't know what I'm afraid of.

Reply to flower
Posted by: Nicolai | 2006/04/05

He sounds so insecure - I've been what yo are going through and its not nice at all. They constantly want you to give all your attention & even then its not enough. At first it seems like he just loves you a hell of a lot, but its not love - its treating you like property.

This type of man, will progress from where he is now, to belittling you and the rages will get worse as he tries to isolate you completely from the rest of the world. Then when he has completely broken you down to suite his onn childish needs, he will no longer want you, as you 'have changed'.

Try talking this out with him - but if he feels that he does not have a problem, then move on, and find a man that will give you HIS attention, with the best intentions.

Reply to Nicolai
Posted by: Delene | 2006/04/05

w w w . familylife . co. za/woman.htm

Abuse and the different kinds of abuse gets explained very clearly on this website. Maybe you can read up abit and see if you can identify with some of the things said.

Good luck

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Roxanneª | 2006/04/05

Hello Flower... When did you move in together?
How long are you together?

Reply to Roxanneª

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