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Question
Posted by: Jane | 2005/07/27

Abusive ??

Posted this by accident at the Cyber Doc site - so here goes again:

I have had a very intense relationship for the last 19 or so months with a guy and I know from my side that I love him truly, deeply, madly and unconditionally and he claims to feel the same about me. He has always been very wary of peoples motives with respect to anything and everything and I found it real hard to deal with. I however thought that by showing him that you should trust to be trusted, love to be loved, give to be given to etc, but I am afraid it is not possible for him as he sometimes would turn on me, accusing me of the most stupendous, horrendous behaviour which I am innocent of and I find myself in a constant battle trying to defend myself, trying to explain, trying to defuse the situation and even sometimes apologising for something I have or even haven't done. He would call me very hurtful names, dissect every little behavriour of mine, ask me to explain myself and when this happens, I get this huge boulder in my stomach as I then cannot believe that we are back at the proverbial "square 1" as far as dealing with crap is concerned. Yet, when he has literally broken me down, reduced me to tears, made me shout and scream at him, he would calm down and be ever so sweet. Would even tell me how wonderful I am, what an inspiration I am to him, what a good heart and soul I have, etc. etc. But soon, he'll find another "bee in his bonnet" and have a go at me. Over and over. And for some obscure reason I only see the good in him. I see how he appreciates nature, how he appreciates good music, and many other small things that made me fall in love with him in the first place, but I am at my wits end with his insecure, abusive behaviour. I have given so much of myself to him, bared my soul, shared intimitate things about what makes me me with him in the hope that he will just accept me, unconditionally, no questions asked - just as I did with him. It's not happening.

A few months ago we were in a restaurant one early morning. A little boy (about 2) a couple of tables away was choking and fell unconsious and the parents were hysterical and other patrons were just watching in horror. I jumped up and grabbed the boy and finally after a few minutes got rid of the piece of food stuck in his little throat. By that time the paramedics arrived and just made sure the little one was completely ok and then thanked me. I went back to the table to finish my food, but was too shaken to eat, so I just sat there thinking about how close that little boy was to dying and I felt like crying my eyes out. All my bf said to me was that I shouldn't have done anything as it was the boy's parents responsibility. I looked up at him and he must have noticed the total shock in my face of what he just said. He quickly changed his story and said that "you did well, now eat your food". This haunts me constantly. His lack of empathy, sympathy, kindness and I would even say heartlessness.

Anyway, just wanted to vent and blow of some steam. I know he doesn't deserve me, never will and he probably knows that and for that he will punish me in this way. That's the only explanation I have for his behaviour.

So my question is: how do I tell him I want out? I could be heartless and a bastard as well and just tell him to f...off, but I hate hurting people and want to do it in the kindest possible way, but also in a way that he knows I mean it and won't be manipulated any longer. I am just so tired of suppressing the real me, tired of counting my words, thinking about stuff before I do or say anything just in case he will get enraged. I want to be me because I know I am OK, likeable, nice and decent.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Jane,
You may have begun this relationship with the best intentions in the world, but what you seem to be describing, doesn't sound as though it is good for either of you. What is the point of continuing to accept emotionally abusive behavior ? He sounds as though he needs to get into therapy to deal with his personal demons.
You express some ideas about why he might want to punish you. I have a different question. By choosing to remain in this relationship, why do YOU want to punish you ? Intermittent sweet words from a mainline abuser are not worth tuppence.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Been there | 2005/07/28

Hi Jane

Please try to think of you and what your hapiness means to you.
I was once in a relationship like that for 7yrs. I loved the guy so much and he claimed that also. But when I was sitting down thinking about our relationship I'll say to myself I'm really not happy in this relation, i would count out of the whole week how many times are we happy I would find some times is only once a week others two days.

He liked to do all things you mentioned. I used to say to myself I want out but when I think of all this years I've invested in the relationshion. But one day I told muslf enough its enough and we broke.

Today I'm married to a sweet, trusting and understanding person and we have a child. I'm for ever greatful to my Lord.

Hope you find the courage to live him.

Reply to Been there
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/07/28

hi girl

you gave it your best shot but you know things will never get better and you know you have to get out

he is the master of manipulation, so be aware and be careful
he WILL try and make you feel bad and use your good qualities againts you....

when this happens remember the "bad" times and that he will NEVER CHANGE, don't let him make promises

you are a kind, gentle and soft person but you have to be wise and strong at the same time or this world will walk all over you and hurt you all the time

you are a brave lady and good luck - don't put it off another day

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: NT | 2005/07/28

Jane I am in EXACTLY the SAME situation. I cry myself to sleep every nite, trying to find a way of getting out of the mess. Yesterday I even posted on this forum trying to I find out if an abusive person could be helped. I was even considering getting help for him. But you know what I have had enough of this abuse, and it really makes me happy to see that I am not the only woman dealing with this. I have decided that I want out, and its not use telling him that I want out or telling him to -|- off. I told myself that I want out and thats it. I've stopped calling him since yesterday, I'm not going to call him today either. I know he might phone me, but I will just be cold towards him, until he gets the message.

I know that what he tends to do when I tell him I want out, he'll be sweet and beg his way back to my life, and then two weeks after that, he uses what I said against me. My message to you is that just leave, dont give an explanation or whatever just leave. He'll get the message. Its better that you've put up with this for 19months, I've endured this abuse for 6 and half years now. I was even planning to marry him and having a second child with him.

I hope you get the courage to get out, and I know havent had the courage for long now, but since monday the idea and the courage has been building up in my system. I really want out. I am also seeing a councellor who adviced me to get out, and if he really loves me, he'll recognise his problems and make efforts to deal with it, then I can take him back and work things out with him. Otherwise there is no hope, it will be the same cycle over and over again, the end result being dying a very angry and bitter woman.

Reply to NT
Posted by: Sue | 2005/07/28

Wow jane - get the hell away from this man!!
Did you never watch the programme on oprah about abusive partners?? - if not what a pity - it would have given you so much more insight into what you are going thru. I suggest you either get as far away from him as possible or, if you feel that you really want to be with him (cant understand why though), he MUSt agree to go for intensive counseling. You sound like a stable, kind, gentle person, so why do you think that you deserve such unfair treatment from the person who claims to love you?

Reply to Sue

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