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Question
Posted by: Jane | 2005/07/27

Abusive ??

I have had a very intense relationship for the last 19 or so months with a guy and I know from my side that I love him truly, deeply, madly and unconditionally and he claims to feel the same about me. He has always been very wary of peoples motives with respect to anything and everything and I found it real hard to deal with. I however thought that by showing him that you should trust to be trusted, love to be loved, give to be given to etc, but I am afraid it is not possible for him as he sometimes would turn on me, accusing me of the most stupendous, horrendous behaviour which I am innocent of and I find myself in a constant battle trying to defend myself, trying to explain, trying to defuse the situation and even sometimes apologising for something I have or even haven't done. He would call me very hurtful names, dissect every little behavriour of mine, ask me to explain myself and when this happens, I get this huge boulder in my stomach as I then cannot believe that we are back at the proverbial "square 1" as far as dealing with crap is concerned. Yet, when he has literally broken me down, reduced me to tears, made me shout and scream at him, he would calm down and be ever so sweet. Would even tell me how wonderful I am, what an inspiration I am to him, what a good heart and soul I have, etc. etc. But soon, he'll find another "bee in his bonnet" and have a go at me. Over and over. And for some obscure reason I only see the good in him. I see how he appreciates nature, how he appreciates good music, and many other small things that made me fall in love with him in the first place, but I am at my wits end with his insecure, abusive behaviour. I have given so much of myself to him, bared my soul, shared intimitate things about what makes me me with him in the hope that he will just accept me, unconditionally, no questions asked - just as I did with him. It's not happening.

A few months ago we were in a restaurant one early morning. A little boy (about 2) a couple of tables away was choking and fell unconsious and the parents were hysterical and other patrons were just watching in horror. I jumped up and grabbed the boy and finally after a few minutes got rid of the piece of food stuck in his little throat. By that time the paramedics arrived and just made sure the little one was completely ok and then thanked me. I went back to the table to finish my food, but was too shaken to eat, so I just sat there thinking about how close that little boy was to dying and I felt like crying my eyes out. All my bf said to me was that I shouldn't have done anything as it was the boy's parents responsibility. I looked up at him and he must have noticed the total shock in my face of what he just said. He quickly changed his story and said that "you did well, now eat your food". This haunts me constantly. His lack of empathy, sympathy, kindness and I would even say heartlessness.

Anyway, just wanted to vent and blow of some steam. I know he doesn't deserve me, never will and he probably knows that and for that he will punish me in this way. That's the only explanation I have for his behaviour.

So my question is: how do I tell him I want out? I could be heartless and a bastard as well and just tell him to f...off, but I hate hurting people and want to do it in the kindest possible way, but also in a way that he knows I mean it and won't be manipulated any longer. I am just so tired of suppressing the real me, tired of counting my words, thinking about stuff before I do or say anything just in case he will get enraged. I want to be me because I know I am OK, likeable, nice and decent.

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Our expert says:
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Saw your next posting - how you get things sorted out. Good luck.

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