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Posted by: Salo Sch | 2004/11/18

Abused by husband

I'm a professional woman in my late 40's, and my hybby is 59. This is my 2nd marriage. Although i work +- 12-15 hours p.d. i never ever miss Gym. I try my best to look good for my hubby. I wear sexy clothes and my make-up is done to the T. Sexually i am extremely hot and he knows that he can get it from me when ever he wants.

What i cannot understand is that when men look at me and give me a compliment, he will smile , but when we are alone, he will give me all the flack you wont believe. Then he wants to know where do i know them from and what connection do we have. If i wear more moderate clothes, he also freaks and wants to know if i'm on my way to church.

I try and give him the most awsome sex and when i do something new, he wants to know who taught me that. He loves long nails, so i made mine long for him. The other day a man complimented me and he forced me to go and take it off. I have a good pair of boobs--34 D --- and on weekends he does not want me to wear a bra, so i dont. He took me to a sports bar and some of the men kept on staring at my boobs ( i had a thin sexy T-shirt on he asked me to waer ) and he gave me all the shit in the car going back home.

I have to get out of this relationship, but as a Christian, i dont no how to or what to do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Salo,
Sounds like an awfully insecure man, unappreciative and treating you badly. And it sounds like he has some odd, kinky ambivalence about on the one hand being excessively and inappropritely jealous, and on the other hand wanting you to display yourself so as to confirm for him that he has a woman atractive to other men.
What troubles me most about your message, though, is that it is all about you trying desperately to do what he wants and to please him, and nothing at all about him wanting to please you or showing any genuine love for you.
I know of nothing within Christianity that says you must stay in a loveless marriage. If he could accept that there are any problems at all, you two could try marriage counselling. Otherwise, why can't you leave him ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: NIKI | 2004/11/18

Whateva, your comment stinks. My wife is now 51 years of age and what a buity!!! She happens to be a 32 D and weighs 51 KG's. She is also a fitness fanatic and where ever she goes, men turn around to look.

You know what? We have 3 children and her boobs are stiff like a 20 year old and they are NATURAL. How dare you insult older woman on their looks.? You most probably look like a OROS man/woman yourself and now you want to insult older woman. What an ashole.!!!!

Anyhow, this posting from salo sch did not call for your shitty remarks.

Reply to NIKI
Posted by: amazing | 2004/11/18

Playing the victim but I wouldn't trust my wife either if she goes to bars with her boobs on show to all the men wanting to have a good look.

Leave him. He deserves better than you.

Reply to amazing
Posted by: whateva | 2004/11/18

You sound like a real slut. You probably embarras your h/b and that is why he fights with you. How good can any figure be at almost 50? How firm can 34D boobs be at almost 50? I think they must be hanging on your stomach by now, unless h/b paid for silicone?

Act your age and stop making a total fool of yourself.

Reply to whateva
Posted by: HS | 2004/11/18

Listen SS,
Go for it, go for what you want out of life.
You only get one, you've worked hard, you've tried, but yes, his response to your last phone call must've been exhausting for you.
Here you are expressing your love so romantically and he has to ask questions instead of lovingly accept it and do some flirting right back. I would feel downright insulted and... tired.
Get your breath back, and then take your life back. He really sounds so exhausting, how did you get through it for so long (however long it was, it was too long, I'm sure).
Good luck, and have lots of fun. You're so worth someone loving, oozing, schmoozing over you like sultry melting chocolate (that you don't eat, how do you get through a week.. he he).
Good luck precious one.

Reply to HS
Posted by: NLM | 2004/11/18

Kernel, what part of her posting did you not understand? It's very clear that this woman was abused over a long period and her decision was taken some time ago, but her commitment to GOD made her to carry on in the relationship, but after reading Paul's advice, she tried one last time to do as he adviced and just look at the reaction of that TWIT, so ofcourse any woman in the same situation would have done what she is now doing: Leaving the ashole.

Reply to NLM
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/18

Not being nasty, but maybe you should cool down a bit. I'm sure you feel really sexy all the time (you've said so many times), but does your 59 year old husband feel the same? Maybe part of his insecurity lies in the fact that he simply cannot keep up with your demand?

It's like Kernel says, I don't think you're doing it for your husband at all. You like doing these things, you just don't like him disapproving of it.

You have huge communication issues in your marriage that might easily be solved with therapy, but you seem to have made up your mind about leaving him. Good luck then. I'm sure you'll have lots of men slipping on their drool and falling at your feet for your attention.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/18

That is exactly what I can't understand about women. The one moment they phone to tell you how much they love you and at the same time they prove the opposite by making arrangements to drop you.

What happened to the love suddenly? Was it there at all? Salome, you are totally confused. Get your act together.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Salo Sch | 2004/11/18

CS, thanks so much for your response. I was hoping that you would answer at some stage. To answer your question: I gave so much of myself that i just cherished the odd occasions he spoiled me. It was like " THANKS FOR THE KISS THIS MORNING, I AM NOW IN DEBT AND WILL KISS YOU 10 TIMES BACK IN THE HOPE I WILL GET 1 AGAIN AT SOME STAGE " Does it make sense to you? I just know that i lost myself in the process. Yes, what makes me so mad is that he could not wait to have me on his side at functions, for i know now it made him feel so SUPERIOR, ( im 13 years his junior and always dressed sexy for him ) but as many postings above said, his insecurity within himself is stinking.

Paul, to answer your question: After reading your posting, i phoned him to tell him how much i loved him and that i feel so " sexy " for him and do you know what his response was ? : He asked me if i am feeling guilty about something for saying that to him this time of the day. THAT IS WHY I MADE THE APPOINTMENT WITH THE ADVOCATE. It was the last straw.

Reply to Salo Sch
Posted by: Paul | 2004/11/18

Wel salo Sch welcome to the forum then, keep us posted. I asume buy your last posting that you are not willing to try make it work one last time? Good luck with your new life then and heres to hoping you find a man that can appreciate you they way you deserve to be appreciated.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/18

Hi Salo

Sounds like you are the answer to any man's dreamt. I think your h/b is just plain jealous and insecure - he probably cannot believe that you would rather be with him than with anyone else.

I don't believe the part where you say you are doing it for him - I think you are doing it for yourself - nothing wrong with it btw - it makes you feel good about yourself and the attention you receive must be flattering.

All I can say is that your h/b need to work on his selfesteem and maybe you should not always try to please him and rather wear clothes and make-up that you are comfortable with. I am sure you know how to dress if you do want to attract attention from other men - men also notice that - so if you don't want it, dress accordingly.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Salo Sch | 2004/11/18

Paul, firstly thanks for your input. Secondly, it is actually not a nick name, it is just parts of my actual first name and surname
because this is my 1st posting, i did not know what name to use.

Lulu, thanks for your more possitive input above. Highly appreciated.

I have just made an appointment with an Advocate and will see him later in the day. Tomorrow i will move house as well. Thanks for all the input.

Lastly, HS, your question refers. I do nothing special, only do Gym and although i eat any food, i refrain from eating sweet food, sweets, chocolates cakes etc etc. I allow myself an icecream on a Sunday, and thats that. Squash every second day keeps me supple and fit.

Reply to Salo Sch
Posted by: Paul | 2004/11/18

Salo Sch (where does that nick come from :) )

You can do your best all your life and still nothing will come from it. Hubby needs to understand that he has a self esteem issue and that it is ruining his marraige to a woman hes unlike to meet the match of again. I think he knows this. You must talk to him and tell him all you have written here, make him understand that you do love him for who he is but that his constant disagreement no matter what you do, makes you feel lonely and alienated and at the end of the day, will cost you both your marraige.

The truck is a bad idea, you might live and kill a few others so don't even go there. Yes a promise before God should be eternal but a marraige comes from both sides, you WILL NEVER make your marraige work with your own efforts only.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/18

I'm sorry if you feel I've made assumptions that are not true. My point was that it was a public place and you were dressed the way you were. So all the men there have lots of money. Doesn't make a difference at all.

All I tried to say is this: Your husband is at fault for expecting you to do those things, but you should not allow him to treat you the way he does. He obviously has no respect for you as a woman. Sure he has to like the fact that you take care of yourself and other men see it, but he treats you like a sex object, nothing else.

If you insist on behaving respectable in public, he will have one of two options: To be proud of his beautiful wife and to respect you or to divorce you because you won't indulge him in his sluttish games. Be an angel on his arm but a devil in his bed.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Salo Sch | 2004/11/18

Kay: I became a Christian AFTER my divorce. To me a commitment in front of GOD is a commitment never to break, but lets leave it at that.

Lulu: Never make assumptions, because assumptions is the reason for 80 % trouble in relationships. The so called sports bar i was referring to, is so up-market that the normal person in the street has to have membership to enter and at a cost you will never imagine. It's not scruffy as you made it sound.

Paul, thanks for your and HS's remarks. That was possitive and appreciated. I aked for advice, but ofcourse one can expect the odd one's remarks that think they are God's gift to lonely people.

The facts are that i in my attitude and mind, tried my utmost best to satisfy my hubby. What ever he asked, i tried to do within reason. I'm so totally drained i feel to take my car and crash into a big truck. I just cannot handle it anymore.

Reply to Salo Sch
Posted by: Demon | 2004/11/18

would give all i have for n girl like that gee do they still exsist!!!

Reply to Demon
Posted by: Paul | 2004/11/18

Kay's last bit says it all. You seem like a very decent and caring partner that goes out of her way to please her other half. In the process you have lost yourself. not that I blame you for that, I mean how can you possibly remain sane trying to please someone who isn't sure of what it is that he wants. He is definately jealous and insecure and more than likely realises that you are way too good for the likes of him and therefor he is trying to cage you in. Have you noticed that nothing you seem to do is good enough for him? Even if you do exactly what he asks for?

The fact that when you try something new sexually he asks you who taught you that, is just further proof of his insecurity, he is making himself beleive you are having an affair because his self esteem is so low, that he cannot phathom that someone like you can be with someone like him.

All is not lost yet, I suggest you give it one last good and thorough try. Your Hubs will need a hellova lot of re-assurance, he needs to understand that you do love him and that you chose to be with him, not because he' good looking or rich (or whatever field it is he feels insecure in) but rather because you LOVE him. tell him this often, but stop giving all of yourself like that, talk to him and make him understand that his jealousy and insecurity is pushing you away and thats not what you want. You want to make it work, communicate, tell him when hes causing problems and when he behaves like an insecure teenager. On the other hand do little things , say little things that makes him feel good about himself and worthy of your love, and do and say these things in places where others can see and hear it. Make him feel worthy, if after all of this, he still carries on sheiting you out for doing what he want's feel free to divorce him, I can't speak for God, but as for myself - I would rather see you divorce and live a life on your own, that be opressed like you are currently.

Also don't do anything you are not comfy with for his sake. take a stand so he can see that when you give, you give for love and not out of obligation.


Shame the poor man doesn't know what hes got, till its gone....

Reply to Paul
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/18

I'm sorry, I'll try and put this as nice as possible...

You are in your late 40's. Should you really be going bra-less to pubs with thin sexy t-shirts on?

I can understand that you do things to please your husband, but shouldn't those things be kept in your bedroom? Heck, you can dress up like a schoolgirl if he wants then! In public, you should act your age, regardless of how good you look for it. Nothing nicer than a beautiful MATURE lady who looks half her age, and acts like a distinguished lady all the time.

As for your husband: He's insecure and threatened by you. Be realistic, he's almost 60 and you're acting like a 25 year old. Even if you say that he wants you to do all this, do you have no say in your own life and appearance?

Using your "Christianity" as a reason not to get out of this relationship is a little funny too. Personally I don't know of any christian women in their late fourties who go pub hopping with no underwear in flimsy t-shirts.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: regular | 2004/11/18

(Would love to see Paul's comment on this one!)

Reply to regular
Posted by: HS | 2004/11/18

Whoa! You sound like a knock-out, I would probably hate you if I ever met you - because you're so gorgeous even at your age.
Actually I really admire that. It's just the green-eyed monster rearing it;s ugly head - and this monster looks just like your husband.
Keep your pride and your dignity, and keep looking great!

Now, with this man of yours, he doesn't sound secure enough to be able to handle your hot-to-trot attitude and body to die for. If you can't handle the heat... get out of the kitchen.
You do not deserve to have your life be made hell - he is full of contradictions and plain downright insecure and jealous.
You have to decide what to do with him, either laugh him off whenever he makes these contradictions, or laugh him off with bags packed and ready to ride...!

Ok, now, on a personal note... HOW DO YOU DO IT. I'm 27 and look like freaking 72 with a mommy's body (boo hoo). Tips tips tip... he he

ANyway, I'm so happy to hear that you take superb care of yourself and I can only encourage you to continue and have pride in more than just your looks, have pride in the way you spend your life - and with whom.

Many men would appreciate your beauty, and your current one obviously is trying to make you insane with his jealousy.

Good luck gorgeous!!

Reply to HS
Posted by: nana | 2004/11/18

i agree with Kay,it seems like u've lost urself in the process of trying 2 please ur hubby.he sounds like a jealous type & believe me that is the last type any woman needs 2 date/marry,they can get very dangerous.get out while u can now.

Reply to nana
Posted by: Kay | 2004/11/18

I'm baffled - what has your religion got to do with what you are saying? Why cant you get out of this relationship? (when you have already been through one divorce - so its not like you dont believe in it...).

It seems you have lost your self worth while trying to be worthy of your husbands approval/love - not a healthy place to be.

Reply to Kay

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