Posted by: Klippies | 2008/10/06

absolutely devastated

I am writing this letter hoping that someone can help me. I will be married for thirty years tomorrow and yesterday afternoon my wife tells me that she wants to get her life straightened out but must tell me something. She was in another town for work but a that a man died in the hotel the morning. At first she said that someone working with her tried to help the man but last night she told me she knew him and had spent the evening with him. They did not have sex but that I am not so sure of that. She admitted that they had sex in June of this year.

We have had this same problem about 4 years ago and I was made out to be the emotional abuser thus the reason she did what she did.

I went for help and was working on our relationship up to this day. I now do not know what to do. I do not want to tell the children about this for they will never speak to her again. My daughters love me very much and they know what I went through in the past. We also became grand parents mid September.

She says that God has given her a message through this event and that she can loose the ones she loves in an instance. Do you show your love towards your family in such a way?

I have an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday but I am not so sure if I will make it to then.

My question is how do I handle this and how do I continue. We are booked for the weekend at the coast to celebrate our anniversary but how can I now do this?

it took me 4 years to slowly build my trust again but now it is gone!!!!

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Our expert says:
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I don't think God sends such messy messages. Do hold on and work towards finding solutions for yourself. Maybe tell her that you can't face a weekend away in this situation, and must insist rather on marriage counselling, as you can't feel there's anything to celebrate in the situation she has created.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Klippies | 2008/10/07

I know it is a lot of money but I did have a talk to a doctor last night. she says maybe we should go down and discuss this whole bad experience and decide what will be the best for my children and for us. Still battling with this.

Reply to Klippies
Posted by: C | 2008/10/06

Why dont you go alone to think things through. R3000 is a lot to waste?

Reply to C
Posted by: Klippies | 2008/10/06

Thanks SR

Reply to Klippies
Posted by: SR | 2008/10/06

I say go and talk it out ... make it a time for total honesty.

You need to confess as much as she will about your bad behaviour in the marriage as well. If you expect her to do all the talking she is going to close up like a clam and not share. If you berate or judge her while she is sharing she will close up like a clam and not trust and share further with you.

You will never understand her behaviour, maybe she is does not even understand her own behaviour so dont be judgemental just listen

Just remember that you may not like what you hear so be prepared

Reply to SR
Posted by: Klippies | 2008/10/06

I have tried to talk about the prvious round of troubles but she will not discuss it.
thanks Doc for the advice. Not going means a loss of close on R3000 but I suppose it would be better than spending the time alone with her.
I did ask her why she did this and she just says she is a bad and dumb person.

Reply to Klippies
Posted by: SR | 2008/10/06

Your wife sounds very shocked and confused.

Makes sense that she is rambling on about god and her life in the way that she is doing as she is asking alot of why questions. Maybe she is thinking that because of this guys death god is telling her that she must stop what she is doing .... maybe she has had lots of hotel liaisons on her many trips to other towns? who knows?

Sounds like she needs to sit down with you and tell you alot about the missing pieces. Your anniversary can be a good time for you two to sit down and do some quality sharing ....

Reply to SR

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