Posted by: Rock bottom | 2009/02/02


I have so many problems in my life right now. I have a High Court child custody case hanging over my head. I am deep in debt because of the legal costs - I am hiding from banks. My medical aid decided to take away the clinical psychology benefit in 2009 when I need it the most. And then I find out that I am pregnant. And I am a Christian - my church doesn' t even allow masturbation, let alone sex outside marriage (which is rather hard at the age of 30).

My bf said he would support me whatever I decide, but his recommendation was to " flush it off my system" . He says it' s not even a baby yet - he calls it " a sperm in my tummy" .

It' s such a difficult decision to make. It' s a really early pregnancy - no organs have fromed yet at 3 weeks (I think) so it' s not really a person yet. On the other hand the moment fertilization takes place - God breathes life into that " thing" .

I am not going to kill myself - but I understand how people sometimes find suicide so apealing. When you run out of answers it helps to know that there will be no tomorrow to face.

I thought of adoption but then I will have to be pregnant for 9 months.

I know a pregnancy is just a temporary state that will pass (eventually) and an abortion is just so permanent, but it can save me so much embarassment of being pregnant out of wedlock while claiming to be Christian.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I think its so sad that the SA constitution and government allow any medical aid to fail to provide psychiaric / psychological help to those who need it. Cyberdoc or gynaedoc may know, but I think there are numerous charities . NGO's, especially some based on religious concepts, which would offer free counselling to help you examine your alternatives here. This is not the place for a religious discussion or abortion issues --- but think about whether abortion is a justifiable proceduret to prevent Embarrassment ?
Pregnancy may be a temporary state for a woman, but birth ( and death ) is a permanent state for a child.
Can't any other readers provide RB with contact numbers for agencies providing free counselling in this situation ? I'm sure they exist

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nicky | 2009/02/03


I can personally identify with your situation and I understand the religion/christianity. I am also a Christian. I had exactly a similar case to yours: I was going through a lot of challenges in life (incl finances) and I was in a relationship where I fell pregnant. It was a hard knock for me to fall pregnant without really partaking of that which makes a lot of people fall pregnant (sex) - sperms spilled while we were kissing but this lousy day had gone to the point of being naked but not penetrate. I did not know what to do. Even things at home were not going right and worse things were just happening. I didn' t know what to do but I knew that what I have in my tummy is not just a sperm but a life. Throughout my whole pregnancy I struggled and was frustrated with other things also that I had depression. I thought of embarrassment and I got over it. I realised that being a Christian does not mean you are a superbeing and immune to sin and temptations. I knew that a lot of people have sex but don' t fall pregnant and are not better off than me. Some use contraceptives because this sin has become part of them and you well never know their sinfulness. But the other thing I knew was that Christ died for all of us and I will cling to Him regarding even my situation. It was even hard for me to break the news to my parents for a long time and I was less than 25 years old. To cut my long story short, I went through the pregnancy and did not care about embarrassment because I knew I am not the only sinner (if that would make you feel better). Just pray to God, do your part/what you can and things will be okey. He will make a way for you. Don' t think about negetive things regarding the child or your future because you will not find yourself where you did not imagine your self. So, think positive things and that is where you will find yourself in the near future. Abortion will haunt you for the rest of your life but I have never done that. A child is a wonderful gift from God, whether out of or in wedlock. Anyone who looks at you as a sinner, give them the same look (we all sin on a daily basis and no sin is bigger than the other). You will be fine, trust me!
As for the boyfriend, I think as much as its overwhelming for you: it is overwhelming for him also (he is human) and he does not know what to do. I think it is too early to conclude that he is a bad person considering how things happened. None of you planned to have a baby and it is quite a shock to both of you. Give him some time to think things through and make a decision but don' t brush him off yet.

Reply to Nicky
Posted by: slr | 2009/02/03

as a ' religious'  person, have the baby and get rid of the boyfriend...he is useless. it does not seem as if you two think the same about life' s important issues.

(and please tell em why you are so worried about what the church will say when you clearly do not follow their rules sex out of wedlock? is it all about image? you break the church rules as you wish but only those rules that others have no way of knowing about? )

if you decide to keep on having sex and pretending to be a follower of church rules, then a least use some decent contraception. or does your CHURCH forbid that as well?

sorry about the harsh words, but you are living a life with weird morals and now want sympathy and advice from people who think you should have thought about these things before.

if it was me, and i really did not want kids, i would have aborted. but then NO CHURCH tells me what to do. I use my brain for these things.

Reply to slr
Posted by: have faith | 2009/02/03

Good luck RB. stay strong and pray to God for forgiveness (re - preganancy out of weddlock). dont worry about judgement from other people who have their own issues.

P.S sorry about your parents passing.

have a blessed day.

Reply to have faith
Posted by: Me | 2009/02/03

Tango what are you talking about - everyone who is posting here is asking for personal advice!!!!!!

Reply to Me
Posted by: Tango | 2009/02/02

This is not the place to judge or give personal advice. You have decisions to make. Google Abortion Advice and do your research.

Reply to Tango
Posted by: Steve | 2009/02/02


I don' t have kids no. Guess what, I have taken on one that had no chance in life. One that doesn' t have a dad. But that is neither here nor there. I can' t look after all the children that people produce and can' t care for. Some of the people that have children are but children themselves. They shouldn' t be having sex in the first place, but we don' t teach them that. They will have an accident and not be able to get an education, and end up not being able to care for the child. The child ends up with a mother that can' t cope, and who knows becomes a drug addict, alcoholic or perhaps even has to turn to prostitution, to make ends meet. I am sorry but you are very wrong. Do you for one minute think that a child deserves to be brought up having to beg at the traffic lights for food? Is that right? Is it right that they turn to crime to live, is that right? No I think that the dynamics are a bit bigger than not terminating a pregancy at a very early stage.

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Rock Bottom | 2009/02/02

Thanks you guys. I made my decision. I told my bf that I will not have an abortion - maybe I will go for adoption but no killing of the baby. He said he will call me later and to tell me if he is going to stick around or not. I think I will still be waiting for that call 15 years from now.

Unfortunately both my parents passed away when I was a teenager. I was never close to any relatives. But I will be fine taking it 1 day at a time.

Reply to Rock Bottom
Posted by: Anon. | 2009/02/02

To Steve.

Do you have kids? If yes, then what would you do if a person had to say to you, " Let me kill the child you have in your arms, adn give the unborn child a chance" . What then would you say.

This is forRB.
As i think god is testing her to see exactly what she is gonna do.
There are people out there that can' t have kids, and he just wants you to FLUSH IT AWAY. No pls. It was good to tango, but now doesn' t want to help to look after the unborn child. Sis on him.

Yes i also fell preggies before marriage, i did think of it, but THANK GOD i didn'  t do it. I now have 2 lovely kids. Wouldn' t change them for anything.

Reply to Anon.
Posted by: have faith | 2009/02/02

I think its rather too late to be embaraased by your situation. You have to consider your age and whether or not you would like to be a mother in the future. I mean, you are 30 yrs already, which gives you 5 more years before you are in the danger zone for pregnancy.

I would suggest that you consult with your mom, let her know what' s going on, and just face the music. as for the BF, loose him.
lots of young girls give birth every other day and have nothing but the grant to support the kids. If you do decide to keep the child, and if it turns out to be a girl, make sure you teach her about safe sex and encourage her to invest her money wisely.

Reply to have faith
Posted by: Steve | 2009/02/02


How non permanent is bringing up a child that you can' t afford?

Why is there sin in abortion but I don' t hear anything about the sin in the sex in the first place?

Why should she mess up the rest of her life, battling for maintenance, not making ends meet, and all that single mom stuff.

Where is that a temporary problem, it is very easy when it isn' t your problem.

Reply to Steve
Posted by: NJ | 2009/02/02

You know what my dear, u have said it Loud &  Clear u are a christian. So God is testing you/challenging you, you will be suprised just Pray &  Pray u will will see.

Nothing is permanent in our lives, every situation is temporary. " God said call upon me and i will be there" . I had problems before, debts,family,pregnancy,relationships etc. But PRAYER CHANGES EVERYTHING. Today i look back and still cant believe am out of problems.

The Best Advice i can give is NOT TO DO AN ABORTION. its a sin my dear and it will haunt you for the rest of your life. We have had people whom got pregnant while they were christians it' s not a miracle. Please give this poor child a chance U' ll see the day you gave birth that it was not just a SPERM IN A TUMMY, it' s going to turn out to a beutifull life, Please dont go for Abortion.

If you can change medical Aid to another one please do so And for debts go to see debts councellors, they will negotiate all your debts with everyone you owe. they are very good. believe me no one will be calling you they will deal with your debt councellor.

All the Best, nothing is permanent and ther' s solution for every problem.

Reply to NJ
Posted by: SHaz | 2009/02/02

Rock Bottom,

May I ask how in the world did you get pregnant for a man like that? are you still with him even? Is he also a " christian"  like you? I' m just shocked at his response thats all.

As for the abortion , I cannot tell you what to do as that decision will have to be yours and yours alone, only you know your circumstances and what will be best, but I would seriously recommend that you get rid of that man you are with!

Good Luck to you!

Reply to SHaz
Posted by: wtf | 2009/02/02

flush it off what?

he sounds like a sicko

Reply to wtf
Posted by: Anon2 | 2009/02/02

Have your baby and keep it!

Reply to Anon2
Posted by: anon | 2009/02/02

as a christian as well I can only say that unfortunately you have to consider that life and not be selfish as hard as it is. you cannot kill an unborn baby (yes as christians we believe that it is a human with a soul from conception) to save yourself from embarrassment. My advice is to allow the child to live and give it up for adoption. there are a lot of people out there desperate for a little one,. Your boyfriend is not supportive and you have a lot of other problems it seems but this baby did not ask to be there. Dont murder it, give it a chance to have a happy home with someone. There are a lot of adoption agencies out there esp if you are involved with a church - talk to someone. You will be suprised - if they are true christians they wont judge you either good luck and God Bless

Reply to anon

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