Posted by: Sannie-Martelgat | 2007/05/29

A time to accept ?

I guess there comes a time to accept that a relationship is just not working&not good for anyone.

It seems like every single day we fight about something stupid and then we don't talk for days.

Last night he kept on putting the heater off in the lounge when I wasnt' looking. I eventually got tired of switching it on again and couldnt believe that he'd do something so stupid.

I went to my room. 2 hours later he came to bed and I said I hope the heater argument was worth the fight and I went off at him and he shouted you go girl! and he just lost it said not only does it irritate him that I put the heater on when it's not cold he's tired of the dog that shits in the bathroom.
And tonight he's going to stand up for himself he's tired of me treating him badly, I don't see that I do because Im always getting him treats and looking after his needs and children, he gets home and supper is served and and and he went on and on and he said that I am to get out the bed right now and clean the dog shit.

He's never been violent but he kicked and shoved me out of the bed, I fell on the floor where I quietly sat-he shouted at me to get up and go and clean it, when I just sat there he slapped the top of my head twice. I pulled away got back up on the bed and it looked like he was going to do it again so I started smacking him and he then held me down and pulled me by my hair so that I couldnt move. He shouted and all I said nice way to show a point or make your stand over dog shit! I pulled away and we both went to our side of the bed until we fell asleep.

He grabs at straws to pick a fight because he hardly has reason. I am always where I should be and do what I should, I can fight with him often because he's not always where he's suppose to be etc.

It's time hey ?

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Our expert says:
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Why not see a relationship counsellor together ( eg through FAMSA ? ) If he is not prepared to recognize that things are not working properly, and not prepared to share the responsibility and work towards solving the problems, then do move out, either to stay with family or friends, or to a smaller place --- is the comfort of a larger home worth the price of a painful relationship ? And be careful to avoid over-committing yourself financially --- one of the disadvantages is exactly this sort of situation, that you may feel trapped in a bad relationship or job, because of lack of financial flexibility to move on. I agree with Bizz. And think carefully about how you have twice got yourself into a similar situation, both in committing yourself to someone with whom you were soon uncomfortable, and in running your finances in such a way as to limit your freedom.
And don't switch into negative mode with a long litany of "I've failed" --- the pair of you failed, and him rather more than you. Learn useful lessons about how to avoid such situations in the future.
Maybe a cheaper car and a better home would be worth the swap ?
And maybe ask a behavioural vet for advice on why the dog keeps fouling inside the house ? Maybe he's expressing his opinion about human relationships ?
And lili --- consult a good lawyer / free law clinic, and the family advocate at the mafistrates court, and ensure that he pays full maintenance and the expenses of the birth.

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Our users say:
Posted by: til | 2007/05/29

Dammit, I had to move to crappy places during hard times such as break ups, when you don't have the money there's nothing else you can do!

Reply to til
Posted by: Dove | 2007/05/29

Why is a dog that fouls in the house allowed in, in the first place. The heater story maybe it is the cost that is worrying him have you bothered to ask. Stop complaining and get yourself a place of your own.

Reply to Dove
Posted by: Joey | 2007/05/29

Is'nt it just amazing how guys turn to violence when they want to get their own way!!!!! They just know that physically you're stumped and then you just have to relent and do things their way for fear of getting a beating - makes me sick. I've also been there and, although it has not happened for a long time - I know just how far I can speak about something then I just rather leave it or else things will turn nasty. The thing is, eventually you just can't discuss anything properly and in any relationship and household things have to be discussed even if it gets heated. Matters should be discussed and resolved without one party getting violent because he knows he can turn to this, get his own way and not have to discuss it further.

Reply to Joey
Posted by: lili | 2007/05/29

Oh Sannie.....I'm so sorry I know how you hubby is having a thing with a young girl at work and I'm 5 months pregnant...after trying to have kids for 7 years and this is what I got from being a good wife....Girl I have to move into a small flat myself and have a baby all on my own....please don't do this to yourself you're better than that.....Once the respect is gone it's over Sannie......You're a good mom and don't forget that. Joy and Buss are both correct when they say get out girl....his not worth it.....I know how you feel and I hope and pray that everything works out for you. Good luck!!!!

Reply to lili
Posted by: Joy | 2007/05/29

He's the one thats failed've done all you could!!!
You just said you've been the good wife, exemplary mom, made a clean, neat home for him and his kids,been dependable and trustworthy, faithful and always on time..
you've done all you could! I'll be damned if he's gonna find a good woman like you anytime soon!
We get it twisted into thinking that we shouldve done more or couldve done things differently but clearly he's the one that couldnt appreciate a good thing! Stop blaming yourself when HE'S really the one at fault!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Joy | 2007/05/29

Sannie, you know what you should do but you're so disappointed that things have now turned out this way (again!). The thing is though, this is something you have experienced before and could overcome, it is time to accept that things arent working out this time around and you should go. You can sell your nice car and get a cheaper version, get a new place and move on. Take a little time to save up a deposit for a new place (at most a month), use him and his place for the time-being and move out when ur ready..but dont wait too long. He's not gonna change, and weeks from now, something else could creep up, then he'll really be slapping you around or choking you infront of your kid.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Sannie-Martelgat | 2007/05/29

What would I have done if my child woke up ? How'd I explain what the hell was going on to her ? I always thought money was everything - if you had that you have it all.

I've tried to be a mother to his kids and failed
I've tried to be a wife to him and failed
I've tried to make a home and failed
I've tried to teach manners and failed
I've tried being good and kind and doing nice things it has no effect
I've failed again - THAT HURTS.

Reply to Sannie-Martelgat
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/05/29

Living in a maid's room with your dignity intact, is far better than living in a decent house, driving an expensive car and being abused.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Sannie-Martelgat | 2007/05/29

Over the weekend we had a huge fight because he came very late and did not sms or call. So last night he said oh you wanted to grill me feel how it feels.

When I divorded my husband I lived in a maids room for 2 years - I guess i just never thought I'd have to do it again at my age.

Reply to Sannie-Martelgat
Posted by: EH | 2007/05/29

I agree. Rather be happy in a tiny crappy place and start over than worry and live in fear in a nice place.

Reply to EH
Posted by: Joy | 2007/05/29

Well then my lovey move into the crappy place and start dusting yourself off. He's rude and disrespectful, and no matter how bad things get, he has no right to treat you like this! And all of this over what?? a heater and dog shit?! if you have real issues i wouldnt want to see how he'd react then!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Sannie | 2007/05/29

I should have a long time ago but unfortunately not paying rent, water, lights, garden service ect I have bought a car that is very expensive and let my credit cards run up. I will only be able to live in a very tiny or terrible place!

I just thank God my child did not wake up through all this.

Reply to Sannie
Posted by: EH | 2007/05/29

GET OUT. Leave him today. This will only get worst.

Reply to EH

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