Posted by: | 2020/03/22

Wifes past sexual encounters

Hi I am having trouble getting over my wife's past. She says she was forced into having sex with a male colleague that she confided in and subsequently fell pregnant. Although she claims forced, she did not do anything to alert other colleagues in her office when he did have sex with her. She claims that she cannot remember certain details of how things happened but she says it was not consensual. I struggle to deal with the fact that she did nothing to stop it and it hurts me knowing that she had sex with another man other than her ex husband. I need some advice to get this out of my mind as its affecting our relationship....Please help... Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2020/03/26

Obviously this was not the sort of news anyone would have been pleased to hear about.  It's hard to fully understand as you don't indicate when this happened (last week or a decade ago ) or what aspects of the story are really upsetting you.
You need to know that it is typical that victims of rape or other serious trauma,  often have difficulty in remembering some details of what happened, while they are usually haunted by intrusive reminders of it for many years afterwards.  It is not useful to anyone to harry her for details. 
It is also typical that people, maybe especially women, who are abused and even raped at work, hesitate to tell others, or to take steps to lay criminal charges, for fear of how others will react.  People often do not tell their spouse, for fear of exactly the sort of reaction you describe yourself as showing.
In such a situation, many people in you position would feel very angry about what was done to your wife, and towards the slimy slug who abused his position at work to coerce her into non-consensual sex : that a crime, called rape.  One would feel sympathy and concern for your wife's well-being.
It sounds, though, as though you may be feeling more bothered by the fact that she had sex, whether delighted or raped, as though despoiling your wife was more of an injury and insult to you than to her.
She probably deserves to see a personal counsellor with experience in such matters, to help her work through her reactions, and to free herself from the damage that was caused to her.  And you may really benefit from seeing a counsellor yourself, to better understand your own reactions, and come to terms with these, and to learn how to support and help your wife.

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