Posted by: Who Cares | 2019/12/04

Why should I be burdened with my Mother?

I have looked after my Mother since 1998 to my acute financial, mental and emotional anguish. Why? I should have kicked her out of my life. Today I lost it with her. Yep I am terrible, an abuser the poor dear is 78 and I am 54. I told her to get out of my home and my life. She refused. She has never respected the boundaries in my life, she is destitute, she has lived with me and I have missed out on parts of life, sacrificed for her (like she is child and I am the bloody mother). What for? She is rude, swears at me, argues, calls me a liar, says she cannot remember things - same old since 1998. I told her today that I want you to know that I know you remember everything. There is nothing wrong with her and I have the signed psychiatric evaluation to prove it (less than 3 months old). She is entitled and she thinks that I am just an extension of her so not entitled to set boundaries, to ask her to do things. I called a social worker and told them to find her a place or she will be left outside tomorrow. They are coming tomorrow. I too am a person, I too have feelings, I have disappointments and I do not have to spend the rest of my life living with someone that drains the lifeblood out of me and thinks they are entitled to do so. Why the hell should I? Misguided loyalty? Love? My marriage is ailing and it is her. She tells everyone that my father, brothers and I am mental. Really? I told her today was the most sane day of my life to date, 25 years overdue. I am sick and tired of her entitlement, rudeness, non co-operation, disrespect for basic boundaries, sulkiness, demands. Toxic Narcissist. I made it quite clear to the social worker that she is not living in my home and what money is available to support her. She can go and disrespect them and their boundaries, but oops, hold on, she ONLY does that with me. And I will continue to regret the day I ever took care of her. I should have shoved her into a state home 25 years ago and turned my back on her like her 2 other children did. 25 years of my life wasted. She has manipulated me all this time. Oh yes my fault. I am sure I shall rot in hell for it. Though I have lived 25 years of hell. Go figure. I hope she rots in hell. I see it all so clearly now. I see what I have not been able to see since I was 3 years old. She is the liar, abuser and rotten to her core. She doesn't know it though. It is everyone else. Her husband committed suicide.

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Our expert says:
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- 2019/12/05

Hello WhoC,
One of the many tragedies of getting old, is that we may become even more ourselves than ever. It's awful becoming dependent on others in any way, especially for those of us who have prided ourselves on being independent.  Some people, of course, have never been independent, or wanted to be thus. So maybe they don't really notice the impact their needs have on other people lives.
Sounds like you made many sacrifices for her, to the point that she came to take this for granted ; maybe for a range of other reasons, she never bothered to develop the basic skills of self-care ; never bothered to make ordinary provisions for her own old age, and further developed a malignant sense of entitlement.  Toxic Narcissist sounds about right.
You refer to a recent psychiatric evaluation, so presumably it has been established that she is not senile / dementing. It's not your fault ; perhaps you had a sense of duty or responsibility that exceeded that of your sibs who seem to have managed to ignore her and leave her.  You mention your father. who also seems to have managed to escape from her. Was that by suicide ?  If so, you must find a better route.
You mention a social worker, apparently involved, who should know the legalities and alternatives.  I'm not sure of the legal issues of any extent to which you are responsible for her care ( balanced against her duty to and capacity to, care for herself ; but if there is any such responsibility, it has to be shared by your sibs.
I am bothered by the extent to which you need to care for yourself : your comments suggest an exaggerated sense of guilt, and a need to keep justifying your perfectly reasonable desire to be unburdened and independent.

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