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Question
Posted by: | 2018/03/22

Unfaithful Husband

I have a problem.I think my husband is cheating on me.I know he is friends with a lady for a long time.They call each other several times per day. If we are together he just said call me later. I only recently start suspecting him after reading emails and WhatsApp messages between them. I read messages maybe 50 times, I am deeply hurt, I can't sleep and I don't want to confront him.I waiting for concrete evidence. They call each other pet names. They are together when I am at work. I want to scream but I am just keeping quiet. We are together for 34 years. I want to cry but I can't.I am going to file for divorce.Everyone sees them together every day.I thought that they were just friends. I don't know how will the kids take it.I feel physical and mentally exhausted. I also studying for a master's degree.It is a fast-paced degree I feel I need to cancel it, I can't think of anything other than the 2 of them.I can even concentrate properly, I keep forgetting important stuff. I feel like a fool. One person's pleasure can cause so much pain for someone else.I want to continue with my life as if nothing happens. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing my unhappy although I am devasted.I just start this year with my degree and thought of putting all my weight into it, but now I can't think straight.I feel dizzy. The challenge for me is to keep my mouth shut because I want evidence to present for the divorce.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2018/03/23

Stop thinking of yourself as a fool. You were entitled to assume that your husband wasn't cheating on you or deceiving you.  If what you suspect is indeed the case,  he was dishonest and selfish and ignored the pain he was o likely to cause you.
From what you say, you have good reason to be suspicious.  We all have friends, male and female, some of them good, innocent, friends.  But we don't phone each other several times a day ( how many times a day does he call you ? ), and exchange e-mails and Whatsapp messages daily.
We usually don't call them by pet names, though if they're people we've known since childhood, we might call them by a nickname they've had since those days.  I'm not sure exactly what you mean when you say they meet while you're at work, but that hardly sounds innocent. Do they work together, at the same place, or are they both taking time off their work to get together elsewhere ?
I understand your thinking when you say you are trying to gather evidence to use in a divorce case : have you discussed this with a lawyer, to clarify what evidence is obtainable, and would be usable in court ?
It might be useful to see a personal counsellor to help you get through these times more comfortably and effectively.
I understand that under these circumstances it may be hard for you to concentrate on a very demanding academic degree programme. But think carefully before deciding to "cancel it" : maybe discuss the situation with someone at the educational institution, to explore your options : maybe you could rather postpone it ?
Some other thoughts. Psycho-quacks are too fond of recommending "confrontation", which is usually seen as aggressive rather than assertive, and can easily be counterproductive.  It is usually far more useful, when you judge the time to be right, to talk firmly but calmly, explaining clearly what has been bothering you, the basis for your concerns, and ask him what he plans to do about it.
Be cautious of the idea of not showing that you are hurt so as not to give them the satisfaction of seeing you hurt.  I doubt that they have set up this  clandestine affair simply so as to hurt you, or that they would enjoy knowing that you are hurting : what's wrong with their behaviour is that they are disregarding the likelihood of you being hurt, being so concentrated on their own satisfactions that they don't care. 

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