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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2019/06/19

Toxic relationship

Good Day, I have been in a real with my fiancé for 10 years, initially we were too young to get married, then he wanted to be stable and we decided we would get married this year, this year he says we have to work on our trust and communication, also he hasn’t seen a good marriage so he’s scared coz stats show most end up in divorce. I feel like I’ve stuck around through so much, we’ve both hurt each other and tried to move on. A few weeks ago he had a hard time at work and even though I always support him, he was telling me I never support him, I am always there for him, no matter what but he has a tendency of shoving me to the side when he’s friends come back into he’s life, he doesn’t want to do anything with me, rather with he’s friends, and then they hurt him and disappear and he runs to me. He also doesn’t gain weight and he’s mom told me that I don’t feed and take care of her son, I’ve been feeding and taking care of him for 10 years, I make him breakfast, lunch, snacks and supper is ready when he gets home everyday. My family feels like he is playing games now, why aren’t we married. It makes me regret choosing him, it makes me feel like I should have stayed with my ex who would have treated me better, my fiancé hurts me, he’s unappreciative, he’s moody, he’s hard on me, he doesn’t appreciate all I do, I tried to leave a few weeks ago as I had had enough, he’s mom called and threatened me about my daughter, which made me feel like a bad mother, I have taken care of my daughter by myself since she was born, I feel so down, I feel unworthy.. but I know I’m a good women, I’m smart, I work hard and I’m beautiful, as much as I try to let him not get to me, it gets to me a lot. He has a way with words and I end up being the bad guy all the time. I don’t understand why I love him, I know I deserve better. Sorry for being all over the place.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/06/20

Hi,
I have no doubt that you are a good woman, and this selfish narcissist does not sound as though he has your best interests at heart.  The behaviour of his mother suggests that he has been spoiled and expects everything to be done to suit him, and that he feels entitled to use other people, maybe especially women. 
It is indeed difficult to understand why you still love such a person ; but love is mysterious.  Sometimes there's an issue of you having low self-esteem, and being hesitant to believe that you deserve to be treated better and to expect more from a partner. Contrary to his complaints, it sounds as though you do too much for him, not too little.  It's clear how much you do for him : what does he actually do for you ?  And your family is quite probably right, that he's making excuses to avoid marriage : why would he want to change anything, when it all suits him just fine ?
Maybe you'd benefit from finding a woman's support group, even some personal counseling, to study your options, think through what will be best for you and your child, and gain more self-esteem and self-respect.

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