Posted by: Dee | 2018/12/06

Should I tell my ex's family about our child

I fell pregnant in 2017. The pregnancy was not planned. I had taken a morning after pill but it just didn't work. When I told my then boyfriend he suggested I terminate. His reason was kids were expensive to maintain and he had just entered into big financial commitments (he had just bought a big car). I told him I was not going to terminate because I would not be able to live with the fact that I killed an innocent soul and also that I could not sacrifice a life just because "he bought a big car". He was not supportive at all during the pregnancy. He lives in another province so we used see each other at least once a month. After I fell pregnant all that stopped and he always had excuses. I only saw him twice during the entire pregnancy. I gave birth in August and he was still not there. I told that the baby was born and kept promising to come see the baby but he never did. By the time I gave birth he had moved to the same city where I stay so he was just around the corner but still made no effort to see his son. He only saw the child for the first time the day he turned three months old and has not seen him again. I'm thinking of telling his family about the child. I know kids who grow up without father and start looking for them at a later stage and it can be quite traumatic for the kids. I do not want my son to go through that so I feel that I should tell his family now about child so that if he comes looking for his father later in the years they will know that he exists. I do not want money from them but I want my son to know his other side of the family. I don't know how they will react but I feel it is the right thing to do for the sake of my son. Should I tell them or should I just let him be?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2018/12/07

Hello Dee,
Sadly, your experience demonstrates the wisdom of the old wisdom in all cultures of the insistence on getting to really know someone before taking any risk of creating a pregnancy together. It's at times like this that you discover that the boy isn't yet a man ; that it's pathetically easy for a boy to create a child, but hard to be a real father.
You'd want to get legal advice, but I suspect he is legally liable to pay for the maintenance of the child, for the kid's expenses until the child becomes an adult, whether or not he chooses to admit that the child is his, or to maintain a healthy relationship with the child.  It may be important for you to have a court order blood tests if necessary, and to declare him the father and responsible for paying maintenance, with the court declaring a fair amount.  This may be for the child's benefit, especially as it could be very hard for the child later in life to establish such a claim, when this may be very much needed,  It must be recognized as a duty more important than the Big Car, 
If you "just let him be" now, he will feel entitled to ignore the child's needs and rights forever, and maybe to create more neglected children in the  future.
Similarly, I don't quite understand why you would hesitate to approach his  family and tell them about this. As grandparents they would have a right to know and usually would want to know, and the child has a right to know his grandparents and family.   Why would this boy want to keep his child secret from his family ?

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