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Question
Posted by: Hurting | 2019/06/17

Pornography

Good day Prof I trust you had a good long weekend. I’m in a good and steady relationship for almost 6 years now. A good couple of months ago we very playing music on my boyfriend’s cellphone. A message came through on his cellphone and I accidentally open the message. To my shock the message was from a male friend of his and was full blown porn of other guys (we are all gay). He knows my bf is in a relationship with me. I don’t know this guy but my boyfriend spoke of him before. He lives about an hour away from us. I confronted my bf about it and he ask this guy to stop. Reason...wait for it...because my niece plays with his phone and might see the pictures. A week ago the same thing happened, although I must be honest I went and look on his phone. There were some raunchy chats about the pictures as well. This time he blocked the guy. I was very upset about it. I feel it’s disrespectful to me, to my bf and to our relationship. I asked my bf why he entertained it and he said it was just a “drunk” thing. I have no doubt that he loves me and would never cheat on me. I don’t betray to be the perfect bf, but do I have the right to be upset? Apparently it was innocent and nothing to it. The thing that bothers me the most, more than the pictures, is that my bf didn’t have the “guts” to tell this guy it’s inappropriate because he’s in a relationship. Just blocking this guy is the easy way out, almost cowardly. Almost like I don’t exist in this equation. Many thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/06/18

Hello H, 
You seem to be raising a point of etiquette, of the sort that they don't so far include in the books about how to behave politely, and which could not have arisen a few years ago.
I gather you're a friendship group of gay guys ? And you're in a thus-far happy and satisfying long-term relationship, but have become upset on discovering that someone else,  a "friend" has been sending some porn pictures and raunchy chat to your boyfriend.  It doesn't seem as though there was anything significant going on between this guy and your friend other than the sort of occasional drunken sharing of smut that goes on between some straight men, or women, meant to be saucy and amusing rather than deeply serious.  Your bf seems to have taken it in that light, and neither of them seem to have thought about whether you might ever see any of it or be offended by it.
My point about etiquette and manners is that I don't think it's decided yet whether to send such stuff to a pal is profoundly disrespectful to whoever that pal is in a relationship with. They may not have thought you'd be so upset about it.  
It sounds as though you may be assuming that your bf should have immediately thought,  although he personally didn't take it seriously, that it would upset you, and should have immediately banned such exchanges. I'm no sure that this is how most blokes would have responded, nor that they would have expected it to so deeply upset you.
From what you say, he seems to have acted fairly promptly once he knew how you felt about this, and blocked the idiot from continuing to do this. I find it hard to see this as a "cowardly" response by him : what more do you expect ?  Should he have fought a duel over this ?
It doesn't sound as though either of them had the remotest intention of either upsetting you or of damaging your relationship.  Wouldn't it be sad if you over-reacted  little, and a relationship you have found happy and satisfying for so many years ?

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