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Question
Posted by: Nick | 2018/05/21

Partners higher sex drive and past is causing a split

A brief run down of the situation. I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last two years. She has been married and had a child to her ex and I have only ever dated and been in two committed relationships that only both lasted under two years. Her marriage fell apart due to a lack of intimacy and sex and she is very weary of this fact now. She has a good relationship with her ex for her daughters sake but Has often expresses ideas of getting back together with him if the sex was to go bad between. Which is starting to happen now. Being in this relationship is very foreign to me and I don’t have the best self confidence sometimes and I think this is a situation where I need high self confidence. It led me to cheat early on as a part of self sabotage I think ( one night stand when I was black out drunk it wasn’t an ongoing affair). I came clean and we have spent the last year working out our problems. But the damage I have done to the trust is one that may never be repaired. I’m trying to be brief but there is a lot going on but the situation now is that she lives 2 hours away and I only get to see her a couple days of the week and I feel the pressure of trying to pack everything into those days and I’ve been struggling with the pressure and it’s resulted in a lower sex drive and problems with me getting an erection. She has picked up on these signs and is seeing the same pattern in the downfall of her marriage and thinks it’s best we end it now before it gets worse. Meaning her circumstances won’t change (living far away/ her daughter (who I love too), her ex and me not being able to move closer etc and she wants to have another child so the stress of that will only build and result in less time to have sex and be intimate. My question really is, are there any tips of dealing with the stress and to shut it out of my mind and be able to preform in those times I need to without feeling rushed or pressured ? I also have been suffering from low energy which I think is due to working full time in a physical manual labour job and also working at nights so my work life balance is about 80/20. I feel it’s about 18% to put into the relationship and I’m not giving myself much else release.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2018/06/21

Hello Nick,
I wonder what happened to your message, apparently posted on May 21, which has only just reached me on June 21.  Anyhow, here are some thoughts.
What you're describing sounds to me like one of those fairy stories about a prince or queen having an affair with the kitchen-boy or stable-hand.  Maybe I'm missing something, but you seem to be talking about a nice guy with an unfairly low self-confidence and self-esteem, in a relationship with a vain and selfish woman who seems to be playing you and her ex, and maybe encouraging you to compete with each other.  Why such worries about your "performance" and whether it fully satisfies Her Majesty ?  Are you a servant or an equal ? 
Ironically,  this sounds more like the sort of old-fashioned relationship women very properly use to complain of, when it was set up by selfish men to suit themselves.
Both of you seem to be expecting far too much of you, and far too little from her.  If you both sincerely want to build a caring relationship between you, then you might try to see a couples counsellor together and see if you could build a healthy relationship between you,  or otherwise it might be wisest to try to part in a friendly fashion and leave her to find someone else to meet her possibly unreasonable remands, and set you free to find a genuinely loving and caring person better able to bring less emotional baggage and engage in a relationship of equals

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