Posted by: Greatly shocked and saddened | 2019/12/05

OMW Cybershrink - from Why should I be burdened with my Mother 2

Hi there Well, one any good given day I wouldn't mess with you - you're always right, say it just right and are pretty darn funny. Go Cybershrink! So, I had a sleepless and tearful night thinking of my mother and how to save both of us (yeah I know I need help too). The social worker phoned this morning and said they have papers for a house, it's a state place, not great, nothing she is used this morning she tells me she doesn't blame me for everything. Got talking. I said how do I deal with you Mom? You point blank refuse to do anything I ask (even put a glass back where the glasses go), I ask, I beg, I demand, I reason, I get angry and nothing, nothing nothing works. How would you handle someone like you? I brought up her one son and said you couldn't handle him and so how should I handle you (she's the same). She said "Well, to me the things you want aren't important, you sweat the small stuff, I don't care where a glass goes". I said right. In a flash all that emotion was gone and replaced by a dead flat certainty that she must exit out my home asap. I said where in the world do you think you can live in someone else's house that takes care of you and not follow house rules??? I said you do not respect my boundaries, you refuse to do anything I ask but you will do it for someone else. I said here's the thing Mom "You do not get to decide what is important to me and what is important in my life". You are welcome to do your own thing somewhere else. I said I have given you everything for 21 years and you cannot even do what I ask now? She said I didn't ask for anything. I said no you didn't and I should not have. You should not have she said. What a waste of my life. But that's Ok, I will move on and make the rest of it count. So I have suggested she packs her things (not the very nice things since she is going to a poor state home) and that is her decision which she must now live by. She said I haven't decided I will go there. I said the decision is out of your hands now. All I know is you are not going to make me unhappy in my own home any longer. I will see you when I can, do what I can for you but you have literally made your bed and now you can lie in it. Yes, I feel guilty and I will struggle I know this. I will get help. But it has been replaced by a calm and deep anger and recognition of who she truly is in a way. I think she may kill herself to show me how things work if she doesn't get her way.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/12/09

Thanks for what's probably a complement !  On a bad day, even I would hesitate to mess with me ; not that that has ever stopped some fools from trying !
Sounds like there's a bit of progress being made on your side.  Among other things, you've used a technique I've often found useful, in asking her how SHE would deal with someone who behaved towards her, as she behaves towards you. Sometimes it helps such a person to at least glimpse your point of view, or at least to stop seeing only their own.
Stop feeling guilty.  Or, if you refuse to do that, start blaming yourself for Brexit, Trump, Eskom, and the awful situation in Somalia.  If you insist on being megalomanically guilty, make a thorough job of it !
I hope she doesn't choose to harm herself, though selfish suicide attempts in order to hurt others by hurting oneself, are not unknown.  Let her know that you will refuse all invitations to blame yourself for the situation she has created for herself, however such invitations are delivered.

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