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Question
Posted by: Seriously Depressed | 2019/10/10

No solution I can see or find

I feel so depressed, truly and honestly. My Mother of 79 lives with us out of necessity. It is so difficult and not easy for her either. My husband wants her to move into an old age home. We cannot afford that. I have scoured everywhere in Cpt literally and nothing in the price range of R5000pm (a room and 3 meals). It is getting so bad that I am thinking of killing myself. I just see no way out. She's getting older. So am I I'm 55. Funny how the woman that brought me into this life can be the reason that I will want to take myself out of it. We are not rich, we rent. My Mother is difficult aren't all elderly people? I am so caught. I can't afford to move out. Actually I love my husband. I have a sales job that isn't stable so I rely on his support. I really don't know what to do. I really don't. Haven't found any homes or solutions and social workers don't really help. You just get lists of homes to contact and they are all full with waiting lists years long or pitiful (feel sorry for the people in them) or way expensive. I wish people wouldn't have children and then be a burden to them later on. I myself don't have enough pension as I've been looking after her - destitute after my father died. I don't have kids by choice. My husband says I deserve a life and happiness with him without my mother living in our home. Yes. But how?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/10/10

So sorry to hear about this, SD,
It's a tragically common situation in this country, where government provision for mental health is deplorable, and their provision  and facilities for old age care is similarly disgraceful.  Social workers should be able to give good advice here, but sadly too often don't.  Have you checked about your mother's eligibility for SSSA Social Grants ?  That night help pay at least some of the costs of care.  Check the Department of Social Development.
As it is, as in most countries, many of us find as we grow older, that we become responsible for the care of our parents. Apart from the financial burden, it's very demanding of time, skill and patience.  Look into -- https://www.age-in-action.co.za,  which links over 800 NGO's dealing with the problems of older people.  Try www.seniorservice.co.za. 
But please don't fall into despair or think of suicide.  Possible solutions do turn up, but only if you're around to recognize them and make use of them.
Harming yourself could not help the situation in any way, and would probably make everything worse.
Yes, many people contribute to such situations.  It's be better of people would not have children they could not afford to raise to adulthood from their own resources ; and it would be good if more people put in a greater effort to provide for their own old age, saving rather than spending as lavishly as some folks do.  But don't forget that your mother did more than give birth to you, and probably made sacrifices through your childhood, and missed out on many pleasures so as to be better able to care for you.  We all do the best we can in the situations we find ourselves in.
I know many of our readers have faced similar dilemmas ; I hope they can offer you useful suggestions.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: E | 2019/10/11

Hi there, I can totally relate. I'm a 43 year old single mom. Two teenagers in the house and my 70 year old widowed mother. I have brothers but their wives don't get on with my mom. The situation is a living hell. A total nightmare. The constant atmosphere is unbearable. My kids live in their rooms and so do I as none of us can do anything right even our pets are not allowed inside - not to mention my poor domestic lady that's been with me for 17 years as well... Mom has the TV constantly on the news channel - negative, depressing and on full volume... All I can say is that the situation has to change. I am working so hard to to afford something for her... don't get me wrong, I love my mom... but OMG it's not easy. I am doing everything possible, on my own, to make it. For the sake of my sanity and my kids... Yes she has done a lot for me and therefore I need to help her where I can - and I will. One thing is for sure - I will NEVER put my kids through this. Never will I be a burden on them !!!

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