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Question
Posted by: | 2014/05/03

No pleasure during sex (female)

No matter what position we try I feel no pleasure. We've tried everything. And if he rubs my clit it just feels uncomfortable and weird?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist
- 2014/05/05

It is crucial to firstly remember that sex is more than sexual intercourse – Good sex starts with Good Morning!  The way you talk to one another; make one another feel; treat one another ….all contribute to how open and susceptible you will be to sexual pleasure by your sexual partner.  There are a couple of guidelines one could highlight (it will follow); but it is also crucial to explore your general relationship and your attitude towards sex – that is possible with the help of a trained therapist dealing with sexual concerns:

“Many women experience frustration from their inability to feel sensation or sexual pleasure from vaginal-penile intercourse. It is common for women to feel closeness, and fullness, but not the intensity they believe that they "should" be feeling. With a little bit of learning and exploration, you can find ways to enjoy various types of pleasure, intimacy, and even ecstasy.

Before we get hot and heavy, remember — a little lesson in anatomy can lead to huge results. A woman's sexual pleasure, and ultimately orgasm, is much more likely to occur from stimulation to the clitoris. The clitoris is highly sensitive and full of nerve endings. In fact, there are as many nerve endings in the tip of the clitoris as there are in a man's penis! Many of the clitoral nerve endings are subterranean, or below the surface; the visible part of the clitoris is just the tip of the iceberg. However, even “in hiding,” those 6,000 to 8,000 sensory nerve endings can be a mega source of incredible pleasure for many women.

In contrast, the vaginal walls contain relatively few nerve endings. Only the lower third of the vagina has enough nerve endings to feel stimulation from a penis, finger, sex toy, or other penetrative object. This can make intense sexual stimulation, pleasure, and orgasm from vaginal-only penetration unlikely. In reality, the clitoris is perfectly placed. You might consider the clitoris to be "inaccessible" because in-and-out intercourse does not touch your button of joy. The challenge is for you and your partner to find and cultivate its potential.

Generally speaking, touching or pressing the clitoris, directly or indirectly, during intercourse will increase a woman's potential to orgasm. Otherwise, it's like trying to get somewhere in an elevator without pressing the button. Here are a few tips to help you and your partner have a more pleasurable, intense sexual experience:

Ask your partner to touch, rub, caress, and/or press your clitoris with his fingers, whether before, during, or after sex. You can guide him by placing your fingers over his fingers or hand, and pressing the spots you like in the motion and frequency that makes you go wild. You can try using your own fingers during sex, too!

Explore with foreplay. Sometimes you may feel ready for intercourse immediately, while other times you may want your partner to first touch, rub, kiss, or lick your vulva and clitoris, using his hands, mouth, or penis. Oral sex can be highly pleasurable to many women because of its direct focus on the clitoris. Women describe intense orgasms through oral sex.

Add afew drops of lube to reduce friction and give a more sensual feel. Remember, it’s better when it’s wetter!

Try a variety of sex positionswhere your clitoris might be further stimulated. For example, the woman-on-top position has more potential for clitoral stimulation than the missionary position. On top, you can have more control over the amount of stimulation, rhythm, and pacing. You can move your hips to reach his pubic bone, or he can change the angle of his hips. He can also enter you from behind and reach around to caress your clitoris. If you like deep penetration and pressure on your cervix, then choose positions that make this more possible. Get creative! Certain sex positions may feel more exciting to you than others, and this may differ each time you have sex.

Incorporate sex toys into your sex play. Some women enjoy using a vibrator, either alone or with a partner, to stimulate their clitoris during sex.

Read up! Books such as She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner, The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips, by Rebecca Chalker, and Because it Feels Good: A Women’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction by Debbie Herbenick can provide more information.

Remember, if you are generally satisfied with your sexual activity, there is no need to be dismayed by your lack of vaginal sensation or feel pressured to feel pleasure or orgasm during intercourse. Instead, if you wish, you can view and use sex play as an opportunity for you and your partner to experiment with and learn from your bodies. Either way, it is important to verbally let your partner know what turns you on the most. And remember, it may take time to learn exactly what that is. 

The key is to have the confidence that your body is perfect, the courage to explore your individual responses on your own, the trust to share this information with a caring partner, and the humor to laugh as you learn together. You never know what the results could be! - http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/ways-woman-orgasm-during-intercourse

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealthza.co.za. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com.  

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/05/21

Thatis so mean

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Me | 2014/06/04

I would also like to thank the sexologist for a very lucid and practical reply. Can I ask the sexologist what one is to do if your partner believes he is not satisfying you or that you don't love him because you don't climax every time? What if you are actually really not in the mood for penetrative intimacy and just want a cuddle due to stress both in the home and also at work and he keeps a score of how often you have actually been willing to indulge his needs without all the orgasming etc that you are normally capable of? Believe me it is even more stressful when he says we have only had it twice this week when you are a new mom or a working mom etc. The stress and the guilt that a scorekeeping partner puts on one can lead to full blown depression.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/06/04

i think you need to relax and foreplay is the most important thing to get things going, go with the flow and don't think about it as it will distract you. Rather enjoy and let yourself go. Not sure if this is only happening now in your life or has it always been this way.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: anon | 2014/06/04

That was a very nice and clear reply from sexologist and I wish more women could read it. Thanks on behalf of the person who sent the question it in.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/06/04

I’m in the same situation, I’m 40 years of age and with all the fourplay and heat between me and my partner it’s something that can be dreamt of, but once we go over to the dead……well…..I just pray for it to get over and done with, I enjoy the first few minutes but then I just don’t enjoy it any longer. I was told that I’m in early menopause can this be a reason? “I never reached climax”

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Dave | 2014/05/15

Try taking it in the ass. Might be nice there.

Reply to Dave | 2 comments (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/09/16

Might be nice to castrate you

Posted by: Anonymous | 2014/05/28

Really! Can't you come up with a decent answer?

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