Posted by: Patricia | 2015/06/17

Falling in love quickly after an abusive relationship

Hi, I need some advice. I got out of an abusive relationship 4 months ago. My ex returned to his home country and I was supposed to come with him but I decided not to. The relationship destroyed my self-esteem at the time but the distance helped me forget about him. Since he's not in my life, I've been recovering. I'm almost the person I was before. A month ago, I met someone new. I felt attracted to him the first time I saw him. His radiant personality (as opposed to me ex's constant depressive moods) made me feel alive again. A week later we kissed and we've been together since. Everything is great except that yesterday I realized what I feel is more than mere attraction. I'm falling in love. While this is amazing and I love the feeling, I'm starting to fear losing him. I have no reason to feel insecure and I have a history of long relationships (and so does he), but for some reason this fear is killing me. I'm so happy with him and want nothing but to make this work. Will letting my feelings show so soon scare him away? Should I take it more slowly? How do I make sure what I do is the right thing at the right moment? Also, I should mention that my ex still wants me back and is trying everything to get me back. I know being with him would only make me suffer again, but I feel guilty that he's trying everything to be with me and I'm this happy without him. I told him that I don't want to get back together but I fear telling him I love someone else would hurt him too much. Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2015/06/18

Why would you have thought, even for a moment,  of following an abusive Ex to a foreign country where you would be even more helpless to defend yourself against his abuse ? 
After the breakup of any relationship you will be vulnerable for a considerable period afterwards, and should be really cautious about rushing into another one too soon. See a counsellor, and learn to recognize that you are a fine person ON YOUR OWN, and don't need to be in any relationship with some man in order to be happy or good.  Only when you are fond of, and comfortable with, yourself can you form a healthy relationship with someone else.  You don't need to be in a relationship with a man in order to be a healthy and good person yourself.
Then be prepared to make friends,  rather than rush to find a lover. Let love come, if it does, as part of a lasting friendship,  rather than as part of a first meeting. 
As to your questions, well, most normal men and men are indeed, if they are sensible,  a bit scared of someone who seems too needy, too desperate, too clinging.
Don't waste even a moment feeling guilty about your ex.  If he is manipulating you to get you to re-join him, it's probably because he is finding it hard to find a local woman prepared to put herself at risk and allow him to abuse her. Cut off all contact with him ; change your cell number or at least block his ; delete without reading them any and all messages he might send to you, and reply to nothing from him. Don't tell him anything at all about your life ; don't even tell him about the weather. Don't be concerned about whether or not he gets hurt : that's his life and his responsibility, not yours. Ignore him totally.

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Our users say:
Posted by: msj | 2015/06/18

Stop over analyzing this.. let it happen. Don't be over enthusiastic now to go & put your feelings out there. Take time & enjoy falling in love. Does your new number seem like he is feeling the same? Maybe you should give yourselves time to determine if you both will want more. Till then don't scare the man away by being a clingwrap. Have fun, live life & everything that is meant to happen will happen when it is supposed to. Best of luck.

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