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Question
Posted by: | 2019/07/11

My needs feel like a chore to my partner.

I have been with my wife for 15 years. Initially, as with all new relationships, we had a very good sex life. As time went on her need declined. We had many fights and I was told to release things calm down in that area. Which I accepted. On each major fight I accepted things and our time between sessions grew. We are now at a point where i ask about once a week. Any old role-play; fantasies are no longer in order. If I convince her I am lucky if it lasts past 5 minutes. She has said that she just doesn't feel in the mood, I have suggested she go to the doc, but there is always an excuse. Fix one excuse then a new one pops up. I have tried new ideas to spark her fantasies (chastity) which I could see she enjoyed but somehow she doesn't have the want to pursue them. I have also thought perhaps she doesn't feel loved. This did come up with her not saying loved but more appreciated. I believe I have changed this (she has agreed I am much better). I make sure I do things around the house, put her first (over me), compliment her everyday. Yet nothing changes. If there is a medical issue she doesn't want to sort it out. I really feel worthless as it seems like my needs and fantasies have become a chore and joke. I now find my libido jumping up and down and me wondering if it's not worth while looking for a mistress of sorts.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSex expert
- 2019/07/16

And perhaps then that is what you need to discuss with your wife. She may no longer want sex; or she may longer want sex with you. In reality, lots of people get bored by the same sexual partner time after time. In your words:


"Initially, as with all new relationships, we had a very good sex life."  

This implies that as the relationships mature, the quality of sex life may change. 

Try not to base your self-worth on her sexual desire. It does not mean that you are undesirable; this is a situation that occurs in many longstanding relationships. 

Sometimes the pressure to have sex can make it worse, and she may feel even less inclined to have sex. Can you remove the pressure somehow for a while? And just be intimate; keep doing things to ensure she does not feel taken for granted. This is important, because relationships move and change and people can actually fall in and out of love with their longstanding partner over decades. 

And have that conversation about other sexual partners. Explore it. But gently and maturely. Not as a threat, but as a solution. You never know, your wife may feel quite relieved. 

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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