Posted by: Dayanara | 2020/09/11

My boyfriend compares his late wife to me in a bad way

Hi Cybershrink I am so distraught i really dont know if I can overcome. My boyfriend who i deeply love just told me during a fight that he thought his late wife was so much better than me. That everything i do wrong she was great at including caring and well being for him and their 2 year old. His wife passed at child birth. I feel so useless and worthless. to add insult to injury he said he mean't so i can be better. Walking away seems like the logical thing to do so i dont know why i am so conflicted.We planned on getting married early next yr but how can i move forward knowing im never going to be good enough for him and his daughter.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2020/09/11

Hello Dayanara,
It may feel awful right now, but you will indeed be able to find the strength to overcome this situation.  What he said was clearly deeply hurtful for you ; and selfish on his part, as they're all about whether you can meet HIS wants and needs, without considering whether he can meet yours.  It's common for someone who has lost a spouse to idealize them, and to compare even the nicest of other people as not able to equal the person they lost.  Its also an unfortiunate fact that when a couple have over time got to know each other well, they also know your fears, and vulnerabilities, and thus how best to choose words that will wound you.  That doesn't at all mean that what they say in the heat of an argument, are true, only that they're intended to hit on your emotional bruises, and to hurt.
Did he really suggest that he was onlu kindly telling you about your faults, so you could fix yourself, to his satisfaction ?  How condascending.  Agsin, he doesn't seem to have thought about whether there are ways in which he might need to improve himself, so as to be better for you.
You feel conflicted because this seems to have been unexpected ; if you were thinking all was well, and planning a marriage in the near future, this would be a shock to anyone, and leave you losing confidence and unsure of what the future will hold.
Rather than deciding immediately to end the relationship, maybe you can put it on hold, to give you both a chance to cool off and to think this through.  After a while you could then discuss matters together and deciding how to move ahead.  Of course you are already good enough for him and for his child : why else would he have wasted his time forming a close relationship with you ?  If in time you both decide you would want to resume the relationship, it might be worth seeing a couples counsellor together, to have some expert input into improving your mutual communication and problem-solving skills. And if you agree to part, you could both still gain the skills to avoid similar difficulties in the future

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.