Posted by: Joburg problems | 2020/01/29

Must I tell my friend that his wife cheated on him?

I found out my friend is having an affair. I immediately told her I knew and she first denied it. She said she loves him. I told her to stop it. She said she did. But I realise now it's still continuing. He is also married and they are all friends. She would bump into the wife and talk to her like they are friends! This is just WRONG! It is eating me up inside that her husband doesn't know the truth. Must I tell him ... or perhaps anonymously?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2020/02/05

Hello JP.
It would be interesting to hear, in the forum, what other readers think is best in such a situation.  I wonder how you found out that she was having an affair.  If she was being so indiscreet that it was easy for you to discover, presumably other people may have also worked it out, and may be experiencing the same problems as you.
This is a question of social ethics rather than psychology.  If she as a married woman is having an affair with a married man, maybe even more so if the four of them are social friends, it is already thoughtless and unkind to the two innocent spouses, and will in time lead to undeserved pain and sadness to them. 
If you directly inform either of the two injured and cheated-on spouses it might or might not help, and would inescapably involve you in the marital troubles, not necessarily helpfully.  Tipping off the husband anonymously is harder to do than you might think,  and with uncertain results.
Yet somehow she has involved you in the matter, including apparently, lying to you.  You speak of her misleading the wife when they meet ( so you may know them all, so as to be present and see and hear such encounters ? ).
Some people may feel that they have the right to have sex and emotional affairs with anyone they please, but it's harder for them to claim a right to lie to and deceive their partners, and to ignore the likely pain they will cause others.
Within many personal religious and person ethical beliefs the answer as to  what's best to do may seem clear.  In which case you will do what you think is right and best for all. If you don't yet have such a set of beliefs and principles, there are no external rules to answer your dilemma.

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