Posted by: | 2019/07/22

Mother not letting her son go

Dear CyberShrink, I have been with my fiancé for 10 years in August, we have a 3 year old daughter and we live together. He proposed in 2017 and I have wanted to get married since then, when we proposed his mom totally changed towards me and the once loving lady just started saying I eat his money and keep him away from her. The weekend after he proposed, I went to visit her for the weekend and when he came to fetch me, his mom was lying saying she was so sick and couldn't eat etc but I was with her and there was nothing wrong with her. His sisters then told me that their mom doesn't want her son to get married and stuff. I didn't and don't understand because I have been so consistent, I have taken care of her son, given him money when he was broke, birthed his child, became a stay-at-home mom, cooked, cleaned and really did everything in my power to keep him happy. A while ago, he was stressed and he has a fast metabolism so he doesn't gain weight but he lost a bit, then his mom blamed me, but I make him breakfast, lunch for work and supper is ready when he gets home daily. It has always been my dream to get married on our 10 year anniversary which is next month, when his mom found this out last month, she was not happy. She says we don't have money and should get married in March, but I feel we don't need money to get married since I've never wanted a wedding, I am okay with going to sign. She called me and told me I must not become a witch after getting married to her son (I've never been a witch, why would I change?) She was also telling me how I must take care of him because she has been taking care of him, but she hasn't, I have been doing in for 10 years, and she lives 2 hours away so how has she been doing this? I feel defeated, I don't ask for much but now I cant even choose the day I want to get married, he has sided with his mom and also says we can get married later since we don't have money, but why? How is my dad supposed to feel that hes daughter hasn't gotten married and has been a vat n sit for 10 years? Is it fair? I still want to get married next month but don't know how to get through to him he speaks to his mom daily for an hour or more and I feel like she keeps filling hes head all because she doesn't want her son to get married but he must get all the benefits? It hurts me so much, how do I get through to him without offending him in terms of hes mom, he is blinded to her ugly ways.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/07/23

Ooh.  It really sounds more as though he is married to his mother than to you, and as though he has never finished growing up.  And it will be difficult for him to change the habits of a lifetime, now.  It makes little sense that she is happy for you two to live together for a decade, in every way like man and wife, and have a child together, but she doesn't want you to get married ?  I wonder what "marriage" means to her ?  How profoundly selfish she is !  She has apparently trained her son to be unnecessarily dependent on her, and too obedient to her, cares much less than she thinks she does, about what's best for him, and cares nothing for what is best for you or the child. 
You may be wise to insist on your husband joining you in seeing a couples counsellor, to help you both to explore what's wrong, for him to discover what it means to be a man who understands his responsibilities to his spouse and child, and how to love his mother without being slavishly obedient to her every wish.  What do other readers think about this sort of situation ?

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