Posted by: Noni | 2019/05/21

Marriage problems

Hi Cybershrink, I am married and I have cheated on my husband. I have gone to therapy to try and sort my issues out. My husband and I have a really difficult marriage. Whenever we have a difficult argument he tells me he is leaving me, he's been doing this from the very first month after marriage. When I try to tell him what is it I don't like, he becomes defensive. I really don't feel confident in our relationship. Every year for 19 years he's been telling me I'm gonna divorce you. If I don't want to have sex with him, he takes his pillow and goes to sleep in another room. That has made me feel like I am disposable, all he wants is sex though he is not emotionally available to me to understand that hearing him telling he doesn't want me doesn't make me excited to sleep with him. When I try to talk to him about it, he would say I’m here what else do you want? Even if I tell him I want you to stop telling me you don’t want me, and I don’t think he understands how painful that is. When men pursue me and tell me how much they want me, how they are interested in me sometimes I get taken and I end up sleeping with them. I want to stop cheating. My therapist said to me I am not getting what I want emotionally in my marriage therefore I end up cheating. She encouraged me to talk to my husband but every time I try he dismisses me and depending on heated our conversation is, he will tell me expect a call from my lawyer or I’m moving out of the bedroom. I’ve received divorce summons 3 times since 2016. We’ve been to couples therapy 2 times in our marriage the last one we went to I was really hoping we will get somewhere but he stopped it by telling the therapist, I am filing for divorce and I have made up my mind. I don’t want to continue with therapy. I feel so defeated. When he tell me he is leaving me I till to date get so desperate for him to stay. I beg and beg him. Please don’t leave me, please don’t move out. My self-esteem is very low. Going to therapy help for that day or 2 days. And I will tell myself I am okay but if it happens again I find myself begging. This is very sad!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/05/21

Indeed, Noni, it is very sad.  Sounds like he feels safe to keep threatening divorce, because this very immature and selfish man feels powerful when he threatens, and you beg him to stay.  Why ? Isn't it possible that divorce might be OK, not awful, and better for you than being married to a man who loves himself so much more than he loves you ? 
My main concern would be for your safety.  You don't mention whether he is ever violent, or threatens violence, but men who treat their wife as a possession and object do sometimes get violent when they fear losing an arrangement that suits them so well.   Do see a good local / reachable group like POWA that provides a support group for abused women, because you are describing abuse, where you can explore your options including how to protect yourself.
Though he seems not to care about your needs and rights, he'd find it hard to find a replacement who will care for him and the home, provide sex and food and put up with his rudeness.
Get legal advice about your rights ; explore whether you could stay temporarily with family or friends.  Having affairs is never a good idea.  Understandable in a situation like yours, but too often the men who seem so sympathetic may be exploiting your vulnerability.   If you were independent, you could make relationships on your own terms.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/06/06

Divorce him so both of you are free, I sincerely doubt he is a happy man either. Takes courage. Just do it.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: hs | 2019/05/28

my husband pulled the same nonsense, it is nothing but abuse. the last time he threatened me with divorce i went through with it. best thing i ever did

Reply to hs
Posted by: N | 2019/05/21

You are using your husband as an excuse for sleeping around.

Reply to N

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