Posted by: Flat as a pancake | 2019/03/18

Lost my Mojo

Hi CS, Please help me find my mojo. My husband and I lost a lot of earthly goods during the past decade and I am struggling to pick up the pieces and move on. I sold my entire gold jewellery collection to buy food and can never replace the sentimental pieces. The words my husband has said to me during this difficult time, still haunt me. He has apologised and moved on but I cannot seem to do the same. He was under pressure to pay the bills and work was not flowing freely. Things have changed and are now improving after 10 years of hard slog. I suppose at the back of my mind I am hoping we have learnt from our mistakes, but still am afraid of it happening again. I am also struggling with Motherhood. After trying for a good number of years to conceive, I am now struggling to parent and find the sibling rivalry immensely difficult to deal with. It has stolen my joy how much my kids fight, physically and verbally to the point of drawing blood. Any tips on how I can move on would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/03/19

Hello FAAP,
It's a challenge, isn't it, to vest the power of our sentimentality in memories rather than things, which are more vulnerable ?  Choosing NOT to move on ( and it IS a choice ) ties up so much of your psychological resources unproductively and limit your freedom to move on toward better things.
It's usually fruitful to conduct a Short assessment of why the bad stuff happened, how you can limit your vulnerability to such things happening again ( aim at making NEW mistakes ); but endlessly fingering unchangeable aspects of the past from which one has already learned whatever can be learned, is unproductive.
There's no magic formula for moving on other than to just do it. It's like diving into a chilly pool : a bit of a shock at first, then it feels better than you expected, then you find it can be quite pleasant : and it feels good when you've climbed out again.
Disciplining quarrelsome kids, well there are whole books written about that, and some are worth reading.  So, no room for me to write such a book here.  Common themes in such advice seem to include the need to formulate an explicit, unambiguous code of conduct and discipline everyone knows about ( so the kids understand it, and so you and your husband apply the same rules and responses ) ; to tailor disciplinary responses to a graded withholding of things the kids really value ( withdrawing cellphone access is of almost nuclear power, while corporal punishment is counter-productive ) ; and devising rules that apply to the really important stuff,  choosing to ignore the annoying trivial stuff which otherwise wastes everyon's time.

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