Our expert says:
As is usually the case, the best thing to do is to talk things through together, probably with the assistance of a counsellor, whose skills will help, and as a neutral referee can help you both to clarify what the issues are, what the options are, and how best to sort out the situation. This helps you both to respect each others emotional feelings, but also to concentrate on the issues that have been triggering those feelings .
Now, part of this situation seems to center around the sudden appearance this alien genital ring. People vary in their attitudes to tattoos and piercings. It's a bit like Marmite : some people love it and others hate it, and few people don't care at all. It's not easy for either side to understand the other.
To some of us, we simply don't find anything attractive about the appearance of these voluntary mutilations ; they don't look good to us and they make other people look very much less attractive. We also remain aware that these are usually life-long or at least long-term changes. If you get a lousy haircut, it'll grow out and can be easily changed.
To others, they're totally cool, we like the look and feel of them on ourselves, and don't expect this to change ; and don't wonder whether s one grows older and the skin sags, they'll look so cool. Its not so often that someone who feels "Ugh!" about piercings suddenly switches and wants one.
I'm not quite understanding exactly what happened at the office. Is this "friend" male or female ? When you say "her work colleague told her he had to pierce “their” and it was the best thing ever. : it sounds as though this was a male colleague who himself did the piercing. Is that so ?
Setting aside other issues, I really don't think it is medically wise for anyone not specially trained, to do piercings of intimate body parts : there are risks of infection, of bleeding, of damaging important nerves, etc.
Also, whereas some office colleagues might persuade someone else to go to a qualified person and get a tattoo or piercing by saying that they have one and have found it a delightful experience. Most of us would be polite but refuse to accept such advice. And it would indeed be peculiar for anyone to accept the advice and, as it were, allow their work colleague to set to work on them with the office stapler ! It would be distinctly odd for anyone to allow an acquaintance to actually perform such minor surgery on them. It also sounds impulsive to a degree that doesn't sound typical of your wife.
Whether or not this suggests there was some further intimate relationship between them is hard to tell. But it would seem to have been rather more than merely sharing a coffee mug.
It's distinctly odd. Maybe she really didn't think of the likely consequences, but how could she have imagined that she could indefinitely hide a new piece of hardware in such a place, from her husband ? And if she had this addition because she was assured it would be delightful for her during sex, she couldn't test that theory without engaging in sex, with a partner other than her husband who would be sure to discover the new feature and ask sensible questions about it.
So her recent reluctance to allow you ordinary intimacy might have been to prevent or delay your discovering the modification. Sometimes there can be a degree of infection and interference with ordinary genital function, causing serious discomfort for her.
When you refer to "hours of crying and shouting from both of us" this suggests this rapidly became a highly emotional issue for both of you ; and one wonders whether there were other points of conflict between you which this revealed and made worse.
Anyway, you might want to keep contact with her while she's at her mother's ( I wonder how she explained the problems to mom ? ) and suggest to both of them that you would like the pair of you to enter counselling to see how best this can be sorted out, to the advantage of both of you.
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