Posted by: sk | 2020/02/03

Im having an affair - taboo , but what to do ? - Public comments welcome

Hi CS , I suppose I never in a million years saw myself as the type that would one day have an affair. Well, what do you know, before I knew I am in a full-blown 100 % hands-on affair. Firstly I can't help but feel like this is like one of those documentaries you watch on youtube and gasp - HOW COULD SHE? HOW DARE SHE? So I got divorced from GUY A in 2017, Met guy B shortly after, Fell in love, thought I can change and accept his anger issues - Love's blind - Well I cannot accept this anger issues anymore - I am Verbally abused to the point that I doubt my own sanity. I left every for guy B, moved in. All I now have is my car and clothes should I leave GUY B. Ok enter Guy C an old friend. It started innocently enough, but not long GUY C and I fell deeply in love. Guy C completes my love languages, GUY B doesn't even know what that means. GUY B sits at home all day, I do all the errands, in our time together he has not even taken me on a date ?! Did I mention verbal abuse? BUT GUY B did save my life when I was suicidal a while back and I do love him in another way. BUT I am DEEPLY in LOVE with GUY C. GUY C works in corporate, got his ducks in a row and we have everything in common. I need to leave guy b to go to GUY C but I don't want to hurt him, and I can't just move in with GUY C as my entire family fills FREAK OMG she had an affair this whole time! So my question is, could this be fate, accept verbal abuse for as long as I live, or take the drama and go to GUY C and be fulfilled with what GUY B CAN NEVER give me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2020/02/06

Some thoughts.  Sometimes we have such a desperate need to feel loved, that even when we fall in like, we assume this is LOVE.  It  isn't.  There are also many people out there who, consciously or not, recognize the desperation and neediness in another person, and know how to take advantage of it.  Don't make it so easy for them to exploit you.
Counseling could help in many ways, including helping you to lose the false assumption that in some way you are incomplete and not good enough unless you are in a Relationship, however faulty.  You're fine, and maybe need to spend more time on your own, with friends, but not In Love, developing self-sufficiency and more fondness for yourself.
NEVER start a relationship with the false assumption that it'll all be marvelous once you sort out his problems and change him : you cant do that. You're not qualified to perform brain surgery, and you don't have a PhD in behaviour change.  His faults are only likely to get worse in the relationship.  Encourage him to get help and fix his problems, but don't assume this will be quick or that you'll be helping anyone by becoming part of the problem.
Don't believe in Greetings Card simplistic psychobabble.  Love Languages, or whatever, are no solution except to enlarge the bank balance of whoever is selling the idea.
NEVER accept abuse that arises on any regular and continuing basis. Don't accept a subservient role in which you do all the chores while he sits around looking pretty. OK, maybe one day B did something good for you : that doesn't entitle him to expect you to accept abuse and neglect.
Leaving C, if done tactfully and without excessive emotion, doesn't need to deeply hurt or damage him. Don''t assume that, and don't assume you know all his feelings. You don't.
Maybe C is a nice guy, maybe not. Your story doesn't suggest that you're skilled at making wise and fulfilling relationship decisions.  Why would you have to rush into a committed relationship with C either ?  Aren't you able to live on your own, like an adult, with him as a friend for the time being ?
Why write a life script that's like a telenovela, and filled with desperation, absolutes, and drama ?  Try a little normalcy.  Everyone needs more wholesome and healthy boredom in their lives.
Be more cool, calm, and take your time in finding the best way for your future, while rejecting abuse and unkindness right now

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: mami | 2020/02/15

Wow, it sounds like my story. I never thought in a million years that I would cheat on my husband but as I type this message I did it 3 times. My husband is very abusive, he cheated on me, every chance he gets he shouts at me, he never acknowledges my feelings, he is never wrong, he doesn't apologize easily. I was in counseling for years trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Because that's all he will say to me, that something is wrong with me. The guys I had affairs with maybe they did spot that I'm an emotional wreck with 0 self-esteem and they took advantage of me. I love my husband and I didn't want to leave him. He will always threaten me with divorce and that made me feel so unloved and discarded. After cheating with guy no 3, he said you need to find out whats wrong you. I then realized that because of the abuse and toxic relations I resorted to other options. This relationship has changed me, emotional and mental abuse is real and I only learned about it by experiencing it. It is even hard to explain to the next person sometimes. You just feel worthless and your energy is depleted. I'm still in the marriage and I am working on myself, I am learning to take my power back and it's hard. My advise to you will be leave guy B and go and be happy with someone who respects you enough not to hell and shout at you.

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