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Question
Posted by: | 2019/05/21

I messed up

I am a very active woman in my early 40s. My body does not reflect my age and i am sometimes mistaken for someone who is much younger. For some reason for the last 15 years i have only dated younger men, who are very much aware of my age. In my opinion age is not a factor as long as the person is mature. Recently a guy saw my profile on instagram and sent me a DM (he is mid 20s). We literally spoke on instagram /whatsapp for a month before we even considered meeting. Now he is very much of consenting age and by no means a teenager. Our discussions are very open and we have even exchanged HIV results knowing that we were eventually going to sleep together because ideally this is all we both wanted,a friends with benefits agreement. On one particular day 2 weeks ago we spoke for 10 hours non stop on whatsapp and then an additional 4 hours on a call. This for some reason heightened the need to want to see each other and we met, and of course the intention was not to sleep together but it did happen. In the heat of things we did not use a condom and i am not on the pill. Since us sleeping together we have not spoken and i realised that it was only about the sex, but it is what it is and there is no way going back. I started feeling weird last week and sent him a message about it, just to inform him of what was happening but he did not reply. Now however I have taken a pregnancy test because I have not been feeling well and it turns out that it is positive. I am beating myself up because i should have been the responsible adult but clearly i was not. I do not want to have another baby especially at my age and i mentioned this to him. What do i do now, should i inform him of what is happening or should i just sort it out myself? I really am unsure because even though im in my 40s ive never had a "one night stand". Im feeling so awful about this whole situation but dont know what the next step is. I know that i was stupid and beating myself up about it. Your advise will be appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/05/21

OK, beating yourself up about this won't help anyone.  Maybe see a counsellor who could at least help your self-beating to be productive rather than just enhancing the misery. 
I'm always sceptical about the Friends with Benefits concept. Maybe my experience is biased, because people rarely come to see a shrink to tell us how happy and problem-free they are. But in my experience, it's usually less than a real friendship, and with less actual benefits than anticipated.
It was surely right to tell him of the test result ; and cowardly of him not to respond.  Again, on relationships, I find it's the differences in maturity that are far more relevant than the differences in years.
It's never too late to resume the role of responsible adult.  See a good local counsellor to review your options and make informed decisions from here on.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/05/30

People need to stop using Jesus as birth control.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: D | 2019/05/21

As a man, this irritates me. Even though you were both on, or seemed to be on the same page regarding what you were both looking for, I'm annoyed that once you had sex, you never heard from him again. Especially after the amount of talking you did prior. I would definitely contact him and inform him of the situation. At the end of the day it is your decision as to what happens, but he is also an adult and very much aware of the consequences of sex with no protection. Did he even ask if you were on the pill? Make contact, inform him, he is just as responsible as you are. I understand you beating yourself up about this, but it always takes two. Good luck.

Reply to D

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