Our expert says:
The way you describe this unfortunate situation, sounds as though you were a passive person to whom things happened, and doesn't really acknowledge that you at all times had choices and made choices. You ask "What the hell am I doing?" ; but insist " I can't stop". You can, but you have chosen not to stop.
Yes, having been unfairly hurt by someone else as "the other woman" you know find yourself in the analogous situation. But you chose that. You were not forced to re-start an intimate relationship with this faithless man. You may feel that she deserves any grief this may cause her, because she did just this to you, earlier.
You seem to feel uneasy, recognizing that this as "morally wrong". You are "satisfied" with the unhappiness and unease of his current situation. You seem to be saying that you don't want him to return to you after leaving her ; you prefer to have him dangling as he is, in an affair with you, but without returning to re-marry you, even if his current marriage breaks up,
You say he really loves you : would someone who really loves you, do to you what he did ?
"I have him when I want and how I want" you say, then as if this might be revenge ? Doesn't that look like exactly what it is ?
As you say, you are in a way behaving like a teenager, with raw emotions and without fully engaging your intelligence and moral sense. If you need to ask us if you still love him, that hardly shows love.
Maybe it would help for you to see a counsellor, to discuss all aspects of this fraught situation, and the pro's and con's of your various options. Then make a clear decision, and stick to it.
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