Posted by: Missy | 2019/11/26

I became the 'other' woman to my ex fiance

Doc... I have no idea what to do... I have become "the other woman"... I was with a man (beginning 2009), very much in love, my absolute soulmate. We were together for 5 years. Engaged to be married. It ended cause he fell for another woman while we were together, so it was an affair behind my back... and I was left devastated and heartbroken (end 2013) He ended up getting married to her three months after we broke up... I was shattered, to say the least. Two and a half years later... we bumped into each other for the first time... I cannot tell you how that shook my whole world upside down. Since then, for the past 3 and a half years... we have been having an affair... What the hell am I doing? Yet I don't even feel guilty for her sake as I feel she took him away from me all those years ago... Then again I don't even want him back in my life permanently. Having him on my terms suits me and I don't want him to leave her for me. He can't as it will cost him dearly... not that I care... I'm happy with this "arrangement"... I know its morally wrong... however, I can't stop... he really loves me and regrets everything he did to me... he is very unhappily married and yet I'm okay with that... I have him when I want and how I want... do you think this is an act of revenge from my side...after all these years? or do I still love him as I actually don't know... I mean I'm in my forties and him in his fifties... I'm behaving like a teenager...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/11/27

Hello Missy,
The way you describe this unfortunate situation, sounds as though you were a passive person to whom things happened, and doesn't really acknowledge that you at all times had choices and made choices.  You ask "What the hell am I doing?" ; but insist " I can't stop". You can, but you have chosen not to stop.
Yes, having been unfairly hurt by someone else as "the other woman" you know find yourself in the analogous situation. But you chose that.  You were not forced to re-start an intimate relationship with this faithless man.  You may feel that she deserves any grief this may cause her, because she did just this to you, earlier. 
You seem to feel uneasy, recognizing that this as "morally wrong". You are "satisfied" with the unhappiness and unease of his current situation. You seem to be saying that you don't want him to return to you after leaving her ; you prefer to have him dangling as he is, in an affair with you, but without returning to re-marry you, even if his current marriage breaks up,
You say he really loves you : would someone who really loves you, do to you what he did ?
"I have him when I want and how I want" you say, then as if this might be revenge ?  Doesn't that look like exactly what it is ?
As you say, you are in a way behaving like a teenager, with raw emotions and without fully engaging your intelligence and moral sense.  If you need to ask us if you still love him, that hardly shows love.
Maybe it would help for you to see a counsellor, to discuss all aspects of this fraught situation, and the pro's and con's of your various options.  Then make a clear decision, and stick to it.

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