Posted by: BS | 2018/01/22

I feel like I've lost my ability to think objectively prt1

Hi CS Please, I need someone to help me here because everything I think I know I'm starting to doubt. In our 1st year together my fiance was secretly chatting to another woman, propositioning her, telling her what he wanted to do to her and saying that i would never find out because he has ways of keeping things from me. Idiot (or attention seeker) that he is the woman he was propositioning was my best friends sister in law, so they told me everything. I ended the relationship. I should have left it that way but I ended up taking him back and being subjected to lots of other inexcusable things (which he found a way to explain away so brilliantly that i forgave every time...that was my mistake). Long story short, its now 4 years later and I broke up with him in December because I found out that ALL our money issues (and my personal financial difficulties from helping him out) were due to the fact that he was back doing drugs. The last time I told him if it ever happened again I would leave, and so I did, but he guilt tripped me so badly saying that I promised I would never leave and now when he was facing his most difficult thing I left him to do it on his own. he promised that all the things he had done in the past which were nasty andf unfair towards me were because he was under the influence of drugs but that by the time he confessed (because i sensed something was up and confronted him about it) he has already been clean for a few weeks. he swore that he was and will always be clean and to please give him another chance. I said we can start off with a friendship and see how it goes and if he really means what he says. he says all he wants is to have me back and for things to be like they used to be when we were happy that he misses me and I am everything to him. it has really been looking like things were going well and progressing in the right direction and Ive really been excited about possibly rekindling and having a normal loving relationship where there is respect and trust. Two days ago a woman who I know well messaged me and said my fiance has been messaging her and chatting her up and its making her uncomfortable because she knows we are together so she wanted to let me know and she sent me the screenshots of their conversation.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2018/01/23

Hello BS,
Wow : rather a long and complex 2-part message !  You seem to recognize parts of the murky relationship and the extent to which you have chosen to create and encourage the problems, without having changed your unsuccessful tactics. 
For instance, from what you say about your fiancee,  he sounds like the sort of louse most self-respecting women would seek to exclude from their life, rather than to invite him back in. "Forgiveness" must be based on the person actually changing their behaviour and showing unmistakable signs of not repeating it.  Otherwise it just encourages the person to keep on doing bad things. "Forgiving" a serial killer after each murder, does not encourage him to stop.
Why fall for guilt-tripping when its so clear that he is the once doing bad things, and not feeling guilty when he ought to ?  Surely you were never stupid enough to promise to never leave him, whatever he did ? If you didn't, then he is lying shamelessly.  If you did, then Jack the Ripper would like to invite you to tea.
And beware of pleas for a "last chance" : as I wrote years back in this forum : how many last chances does he expect ?
Face the very very obvious facts: HE WILL NOT CHANGE.  Why should he ?  He enjoys the drugs and the infidelities, and you always believe his lies and forgive him. Why would he bother to change ?

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