I am in a long distant relationship with a man who makes me so happy that he manages to make my soul smile. This man on many occasions of late has also managed to make me so unhappy by the way he treats me and things he says when he is having one of his episodes. You see, I think my sweet love has severe depression and is possibly bipolar. I must also admit that I myself supper from periods of severe depression where I spiral and fall into self destructive habits. The last two months my boyfriend has had a very tough time with everything that can go wrong, going wrong including a sudden decline in his health. This has caused my boyfriend to sink into an even deeper depression which has put a massive strain on our relationship. Everyday has been a massive struggle to reconnect with him, as he goes deeper into his depression. I am trying so hard to standby him but I am going deeper into my own depression. Its has become such a toxic environment for both of us that one minute we come up for air and are moving forward but shortly after we take 10 steps back. We regularly have massive blowouts over the silliest things, which end up with us crossing the line by triggering each other, ending with both of us spiraling deeper into a depression. I know its is the depression but I do not know how much longer I will be able to hold on. I love him with everything of mine, but I need him even a little to give me some reassurance that he wants this relationship and not just someone as a security blanket and more often than not, a punching bag that will keep taking it. I want to be there for him, be his rock but I feel as if all I do is give and not get anything in return, no support, love, compassion and I am afraid that I am falling deeper and deeper into my own depression and I am falling alone with no one to catch me. I no longer can hide my depression from friends and colleagues, my work is starting to suffer and I am seriously on the verge of turning to drug use to help me cope. my biggest fear is that he will hurt himself and I do not want that to happen, but it will have to be at the risk of my own mental health and sobriety. I think I secretly am hoping that he will be the one to save me but it is starting to seem like that may never happen. I am constantly feeling so much and I just want to not feel for just a while, I just want to breathe for a little while. I am sinking and for moments, I do want to drown.