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Question
Posted by: Cheater I think | 2019/11/06

I am cheating on him aren't I?

Cybershrink!!! I am so unhappy in my marriage without enough finances to get out, believe me I have tried. Just looking for a stable and better paying job right now, hoping I find one. I realise very sadly that my husband is using verbal and economic abuse against me. The relationship is hopeless as I find I have lied to him about minor things, I have sex for the sake of it, I hate his slobbish ways in the house. I also shout and swear. Even if I don't he does. I want out. It is just a question of how and when. I must be happy, clean the house, do my other real "job" and if I try to tell him I need help or am unhappy he says I am whining. He doesn't remember what say I either. He butts in. He taunts me because I can't pay half of everything. He's nasty when work doesn't come in. joined Love to Meet. Just for friends. I would never ever do this. I have never cheated in any relationship ever. I don't know why I did this let alone message men and look at their profile. I guess I am really looking to get out, right? I don't want to fix it because he will never ever change. He's selfish. He spends Fridays and Saturdays at the football club. Then has a courtesy day with me to placate me. Makes me sick. I think I am psychologically moved out already and seeing what is out there. It's my dirty little secret in between my sad and miserable marital existence.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/11/06

Hello CIT,
OK. sorry to hear you find yourself trapped in an apparently loveless and disappointing marriage.  Has it always been this way, but only recently have you recognized this, and decided that this in intolerable? Or has his behaviour changed in this direction recently ? Has he always been slobbish and selfish but you more recently decided this was intolerable, or has he become much more so in recent years ?
I'm not sure you mean about not having the finances to get out of a miserable marriage. A divorce or formal separation need not be very expensive, unless perhaps he contests it and tries to make it cost more.
You have a job, though looking for a better paying one : are you troubled by being able to pay for somewhere else to stay. and to support yourself if you leave him ? Couldn't you enlist the help of family or friends in this regard ?
His expecting you to share 50 % of costs sounds unfair : generally it's considered fair to share costs in proportion to your actual earnings.
Your main question, as implied by the title of your message, seems to be whether your reactions to his callous indifference amount to cheating.  It sounds as if what you're describing isn't classical, physical cheating, but more a form of emotional cheating : both un-investing in an unloving souse, and thinking about and exploring possibilities of other liaisons, without actually physically pursuing them,  apparently cheating in your imagination.
You don't quite ask whether this is right or wrong ; wisely, as this is not a clinical issue nor something with a clear-cut right or wrong answer, unless you accept one dictated by specific religious or socio-political beliefs.
What do our wise and thoughtful readers think about these issues, and what wise and helpful suggestions can you make ?

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