Posted by: Kristen | 2013/08/26

Husband and inlaws

Dearest Cybershrink, trust you are well. A few years ago I wrote in telling you about getting married and moving into the inlaws granny flat to save up for a place of our own. It's been 5 years and a baby later and my husband still refuses to move out. I have no privacy at all and sister-in law and her family moved back home after we got married (Financial Reasons) I have his sister and mother and grandkids in my house all the time. I cant take it anymore they just walk into my bedroom. It's like i dont exist. I asked my husband to move out with me our i move on my on and he is fine with that . I'm making plans to move out as he says 5 years isnotlong. He seems to enjoy the attention he gets from his mom and sister. I tend to back away and block myself completely when they are around. On weekends there is no peace because aunties, granny, uncles are alwasy there n and out the house. Was i asking too much. I know i will be happy alone and am very sad it has come to this but I'm and introvert and thrive on quiet and still. He also refuses the counselling i suggested. he says he doesnt even have andy pity for me because I have turned him agaisnt me by always nagging about this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2013/08/27

Good to hear from you again, K.
So the issue has become more clear --- its really about his reluctance to move out and away from Mom and family, than a lack of the possibility of moving out. Apparently he is not mature enough to feel comfortable living his own life, with you --- almost exactly the opposite of your very reasonable desire for privacy and independence.  Sadly this may be the sort of thing about a partner which one doesn't discover until after marriage.
He sounds like a spoiled brat,  and unwilling to behave like an adult man rather than a cuddled little boy.  For him to say he doesn't mind you moving out with your son, suggests he has no idea of what mattiage is supposed to be --- I hope you have got yourself a good lawyer.  Moving out may indeed be the best thing to do, for you and the boy,  not so much because of the lack of privacy which seemed to be your main complaiont, but for what it represents, and this boy's lack of interest in being a proper husband and father. His refusal of counselling confirms that he refues to grow up and change, and his blam,ing you for his faults shows that he has no insight.  Make sure your lawyer protects the interests of you and the child --- don't let your husband claim you deserted him or to try to evade his responsibilities --- make sure he is required to pay proper maintenance for the child until the kid is grown up.  Don't reward your husband for his selfishness.
Meantime, can't you lock your bedroom door, indeed even the granny flat outside door, or change the locks, so people can only enter when you invite them in ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Neela | 2013/08/28

this is a Momma's boy -move out he will never change,my daughter is in a similar position, even worse my son-in-law abandoned my pregnant daughter and has never seen his son at all. has gone back to his mommy and daddy, that's why i say move out,further what qualities is he going to impart to your child

Reply to Neela
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/08/28

this is definitely a Momma's Boy, my son-in-law is the same abandoned my pregnant daughter and has never been a father to his son, went back to his parents as he could not take responsibility.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Majozi | 2013/08/28

Kirsten,move out for your privacy and sanity. He is not man enough and he will never be. A man should protect and love his family by all means... so he is stuck with his parents,bloody fool.

Reply to Majozi
Posted by: Liza | 2013/08/27

His callousness is flabbergasting. And then he has the utter gall to say that you drove him to it?!? It's like telling an abused woman that it's her own fault that her husband hits her! His utter lack of empathy is not your fault and will not change. Good on you for deciding to leave this untenable situation. Naturally it won't be easy, but it's definitely the right decision. If I had to be in the same situation, I wouldn't even last 5 months - never mind 5 years! My peace and quiet is sacred to me. My brother recently asked whether I'd be interested in sharing a house with him and our mom - also to save costs. I was so horrified with the idea that my NO came out far louder and more forceful than what I intended. In small doses I can cope with my maliciously narcissistic mom, but living with her? Hell on earth!

Another thing - how can asking for a little bit of privacy and support be too much? You're not asking him to move mountains for goodness sake! I'm getting angry at your husband just sitting here typing this message. You're definitely better off without this spineless, blame-shifting, selfish man.

Good Luck,

Reply to Liza

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