Our expert says:
Hi : please don't harm yourself. You are describing a very typical severe depression, a sadly common but very treatable condition. Most diseases and disorders cause us suffering, but Depression is especially sneaky, in that in addition to all the other miserable symptoms, it damages your wisdom, makes you not see positive aspects of any situation, and makes you overwhelmed by the gloomiest possible interpretation of everything. It takes away your ability to feel hope, and gives you the dangerously false impression that there is no hope, when there actually is.
Fortunately these awful distortions of reality which the disorder produces, can be reversed with proper treatment of depression. Effective treatment may include the use of medicines, or the use of some counselling methods like CBT, or both.
You need to arrange to see a good local psychiatrist as soon as practical, for a detailed in-person assessment and diagnosis, and then a discussion of your treatment options. Don't be unfair and cruel to yourself : give yourself a real chance to work your way through this nasty episode, and work towards a long and happier life.
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